PH2: More Piratier, More Hilariousier, and more
by Leanan Sidhe
Summary: The much anticipated sequel to PIRATES HILARIOUSITY under Third Time's the Charm now. Rachel and Vicki are back, and guess who followed them! It's a whirlwind of weirdness when you include Target, the corpse monkey, and the grooming of pirates as the gi
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Well, here we are. The beginning of the second installment of Pirates Hilariousity the SEQUEL! The story begins right where the first left off. Vicki starts off the fic in her point of view. All chapters with her as the main character are of course written by her, all the ones with Rachel are written by me. And something new, Jack has his own pov in this fic this time around! Now remember, we are eighteen, so technically if anyone in the story does a little somethin' somethin' it's all on the up and up and totally legal. I'll say no more. Enjoy!

* * *

"Will. Ouch, that's my foot."

"Sorry, Victoria."

"No – no that's still my foot. Ow! Crap, you're pushing me against the vacuum cleaner!"

"What's a vacuum cleaner?" Will asked two seconds before I threw the closet door open and stepped out, while smoothing my hair.

"Perhaps we'd better have a little chat first." I pulled Will out behind me and we moved towards the kitchen. Rachel was sitting on the counter; one leg propped up, the other dangling off the edge. She was calmly eating grapes and humming to herself as Jack pushed buttons on the microwave, jumping back at every beep. I stood beside him, amused at his own amusement. I allowed the beeping to go on for awhile before I grabbed his hand and stilled it.

"Jack! It's ok! Just let it go!"

"Wha' the bloody 'ell is tha'?"

"It's just a microwave." I said. Then, noticing his confusion, added, "You use it to heat up food after it's been in the refrigerator."

"Wha's a…refrigerator?"

"Oh boy…we've got out work cut out for us." I muttered. Rachel jumped off the counter and handed Jack a grape. He eyed it and then popped it in his mouth.

"So. It appears that what happened to us has now happened to you." Rachel said tapping her chin reflectively.

"No shit Sherlock." I mused, "The only thing is, we learned in class what their time was like, we've seen the movie. We knew what to expect. But they have no idea where they are, what year it is…"

"What year is it, Victoria? 1800? 1850?" Will asked me. I looked at Rachel.

"2004." We answered him in sync. Both his and Jack's jaws dropped.

"2004! 2004!" Jack cried. I nodded.

"Yes. 2004. As in the 21st century. A lot has changed since your days, boys. A LOT!"

"And where are we?" Will asked.

"Virginia." Rachel answered him.

"Not in the Caribbean? Bloody Bollocks, I'm lost. I want me mum." Jack whimpered. It really was slightly pathetic.

"At least we've heard of Virginia…I think. Is this the Virginia in the Americas?" Will questioned me. Rachel nodded yes.

"Well that is a relief, I must say. I was worried we were in Songhai or some such."

"Uh, Will? Songhai doesn't really exist anymore." Rachel told him. Will narrowed his brow and sunk to the tile floor, which he looked at questioningly. I went to comfort him.

"Rachel, grab a map, will ya?"

"Where? It's not like I spend all my free time studying geography! I don't own a map!"

"Well find your World Civilizations text book!" I told her. She ran to her room and quickly returned, holding the big blue and purple book in her arms. She opened to the back and flipped through the pages till she found a U.S. map.

"Ok boys, geography lesson! See, this is Virginia." She said pointing to our home state, "It's changed a bit since the 1700's. Slavery is no longer legal and there's a lot less tobacco farms." She flipped the pages to a South America map, "Now here's the Caribbean." She said, pointing to the small islands. "I don't think the names or land has changed that much. And yes Jack, there's still rum flowing in large amounts."

"Well, what are all these other places?" Jack asked, running his finger over the other, more westernly states.

"Ok. Virginia is now called a state. And those are other states. There's fifty of them." I told him. More blank stares. Rachel and I sighed; this was going to take awhile.

Over the next hour Rachel and I briefed (ha ha briefs) our boys on the world today; summed up the wars, and told them the basic things.

"There's another thing, Jack." I said solemnly. I wasn't looking forward to this.

"What? What now? Oh god, just shoot me, it's goin' ta be terrible!"

"Um…how do I say this…uh, Jack…pirates don't really…exist either…anymore." I braced for the blow.

"Ha! Tha's hilarious! Yer quite funny when ye try Miss Victoria. Try more often from now on."

"I'm serious, Jack. They don't. You see after the privateers were disbanded, and navy punishment was made harder, and naval and weaponry technology was made better and more refined, pirating was just, not possible anymore." Again I winced, and with a few seconds of dreaded realization, the blow came.

"WHA'! 'ow could tha 'appen? Piracy is the only steadfast an' true thing tha' is in this bloody world! Ye, Miss Victoria, are surely, for lack of a better word, BANANAS!" He then stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door.

"What a baby." I said, shaking my head.

"It was a rough blow, Victoria. I myself am a little taken back by the information." Will murmured. Rachel was quickly getting to her feet.

"He better not get my bathroom all dirty!" She cried, running toward the distant crying noises coming from a very upset Jack.

"How did you do it? How did you fit so well in a world, a time, that was not your own? How were you not utterly confused?" Will asked me quietly.

"Like I said, we studied the 1700's in school; I've even studied piracy through books. But you and Jack know nothing of the future, you couldn't have studied it. And," I said leaning forward and giving Will a small kiss on the forehead, "I had," one on the left cheek, "you," one on the right, "there with me." My lips brushed against his.

"And I have you with me. I shall be alright." He smiled.

"JACK, GET OUT OF MY LOO!" Rachel screamed at the door. Will jumped up and helped me off the floor, then we ran to join Rachel.

"Jack! Get out here; stop acting like the world has come to an end! You'll like the 21st century! Didn't Rachel tell you about bikinis?" I cried. Suddenly, Jack opened the door and after pushing us all away, ran behind us, up and stairs and into…

"Uh-oh…my room…" Rachel said. She sprinted up the stairs, Will and I following.

"Jack! JACK! You can't go in there! Please, I'm begging you, Jack. Don't!" But it was too late. She made it to the doorway before stopping dead in her tracks. Will and I peered in behind her.

"Tha's interestin'…" Jack said while lying on her bed and staring at the huge poster of…him.

"Oh boy. Jack, um, I can explain." Rachel said, stepping into the room.

"Well…I'm a bit aroused ta be sure. An' I'm pleased with 'ow devilishly sexy I look. An' rugged, did I mention rugged? Wha' a 'andsome chap tha' Sparrow is." Jack mused.

"Jack…this is my…magic mirror. Yes, that's it, magic mirror! Remember how I told you I could tell the future, well…this is how. I knew I was going to meet you. And so I did."

"Well, I'm in the future now…so…does tha' mean the picture will go away?" He seemed somewhat saddened by this news.

"Oh no. It'll stay for awhile."

"Oh, good." Jack smiled, leaning back on the bed.

"Ah, Vicki? Can I see you alone, please?" Rachel asked me. She swiftly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her mother's room across the hall. She firmly shut the door behind her.

"JACK SPARROW IS ON MY BED!" She cried breathlessly. I smiled.

"Yes, Rachel. He is. And you are in here with me. WHY?" I said, shaking her.

"Hey, just cause you and William have already fornicated in my closet…"

"He was on my bloomin' foot! Nothing happened, Rachel!" She glared at me suspiciously before opening the door and moving back out into the hall.

"Jack, outta my room. IT'S OFF LIMITS!" Rachel said, grabbing him by the dreads and pulling him out. I looked for Will, but he was nowhere to be found.

"Where's Will, Jack?" I questioned him.

"He went downstairs when ye were in the other room…can I go in tha' one?" Jack asked.

"No." I answered for Rachel, "Where downstairs?" I asked Jack again. He shrugged, massaging his head from Rachel's sharp pull.

"Oh great…a Turner's on the loose. Hunting season is now officially open."

Once again we were all running down the stairs in time. Geez, it hasn't even been a week with them and already I must have lost five pounds. Every day was a workout. I ran into the living room, no Will. Rachel searched the bathroom and computer room, not there either. The kitchen was empty and for a split second I thought maybe he'd gotten sucked back into the TV, but just then I noticed some movement outside, and so I opened the glass doors and stepped outside into the cool night. Will was standing in front of me, looking up at the sky. I walked over to him, the grass tickling my bare feet.

"I was just making sure it was the same moon, same stars." He said, his gaze stuck to the dark sky. I smiled, putting my arms around him.

"Of course it is. It's the same Earth. The Caribbean is not so far away from us." Will finally looked at me, noticing my small shivers and taking my hand, he led me inside.

"What were you doing out there?" Rachel asked as we re-entered the house.

"Nothing…he was just getting a breath of air." I smiled, answering for him.

"Well, we can't have you two running off. Not until we've cleaned you up a bit and given you some proper clothes." Rachel said. She opened the door to the fridge and took out four Diet Cherry Cokes. She threw one to me and then offered one to Jack.

"Wha' is tha'?" He asked, eyeing it with concern, as if it were a grenade that would explode at any moment.

"It's a drink. Here," she said, handing Jack one and then opening one for herself, "you pop the tab and drink from the opening." Jack hesitated but slowly pulled back the tab…just moments before it exploded in his face. Huh, guess it was a grenade.

"Bloody 'ell!" Jack cried, prancing about like an idiot.

"Rachel forgot to mention that it's carbonated which means it has lots of little bubbles that can explode under pressure. It's like how beer foams, except bigger."

"Thank you, Ms. Science." Rachel said sarcastically. I opened mine and handed it to Will. He took it, sniffed it, and then, with the slowest motion possible, took a sip. The second the liquid touched his throat he began to cough.

"Geez, Will. It's not like we're smoking doobies or anything!" Rachel laughed. I socked her in the arm.

"Whoo…that's some strong stuff. Does this have liquor in it?" Will asked, regaining control. I turned to Rachel as we both tried to stifle our laughs. I mean I loved the guy, but come on, liquor in soda? Oh, wait, coke and rum…never mind.

"No, Will. It's called soda; it's the drink of choice for people our age." Rachel answered.

"An' wha' exactly is yer age, Missy. Not sure I know." Jack said. I gulped, hoping that it wouldn't turn out that Will was like 25 or something.

"Age…what a meaningless word. Besides Jack, do you want people to know how old you REALLY are? Huh?" I said; I mean Rachel and I were both eighteen it was true but, things could get iffy if we brought silly mathematical problems into this entire shebang. I thought things would go better if I tried weaseling out the discussion. It worked as Jack smiled, showing off the gold in his mouth.

"Righ' y'are, lass. Righ' y'are."

I yawned and looked at my watch. Oh, shit…11:30! Rachel's mom would be home any minute!

"Rachel we need to hide them now!" I cried, tugging on her sleeve. She grabbed Jack and pushed him towards the stairs while I took Will's hand and followed. We ran up the stairs into Rachel's room.

("I thought ye said it was off-limits?") And as soon as we all were in, I shut the door behind me.

"Ok, now it's time for us to play the quiet game. First person to talk has to wear a pink dress AND corset for…er…forever!" I said. Jack looked horrified, Will looked perplexed, and Rachel and I just huddled ourselves near the door. Sure enough we heard the front door creak as it opened downstairs and Rachel's mom's footsteps echoed throughout the house.


	2. Dreams

Disclaimer: I don't own Jack (as he has told me on many occasions) therefore he can flirt with any floozie he wants. (Tis righ', lass, ye can't be goin' and changin' the natural way o' things!) But god forbid I bat my eyelashes at someone else…(Oy! Ye! Yeh makin' eyes at me gel? I'll rip ye ta shreds ye bloated bastard son o' a whore!) See what I mean. Okay, my chapter. Here it goes…

* * *

It wasn't before long my mother was standing outside my door. She knocked lightly, "You guys okay in there? You're not getting high or doing anything illegal, are you?" She kidded. Oh mama, if you only knew…

"We're perfectly fine!" I cried, striving to calm my heart rate.

Jack pointed a triumphant bejeweled finger at me and exclaimed, "Ah hah! Ye talked! Ye lost the game, yeh 'ave! Ye lost an' I won! I won an' ye lost…"

I clapped a hand over his mouth in desperation. Oh god, the jig was up. My mom would come in guns blazing…

Laughter didn't sound anything at all like machine gun fire. My mom was laughing, "You're getting really good at that Jack Sparrow voice, Vicki! If I didn't know any better I'd think a real drunken pirate was in there with you."

Vicki and I shared a glance.

'What?' I mouthed in confusion.

She shrugged her shoulders in response in a sort of 'Just go with the flow' way.

"Thanks, Ms. Hobbes." She piped up. I eyed her curiously as she mouthed back, 'What can ya do?'

"You're welcome. You guys stay up as late as you want, just don't wake me up, okay?"

"Okay!" Vicki and I chorused hoping that would be the end of this near miss.

My mom's footsteps retreated and we waited for the sounds of her getting ready for bed to end before we relaxed finally.

"That was close." Vicki sighed.

"Yeah, too close…OW!"

Jack had just lightly bitten my hand. I had forgotten it was even there. He must have been suffocating…all the same, that doesn't call for use of teeth.

I rounded on him, "What do you think you're doing, ya dip dong? I've probably got rabies now!"

Jack disregarded my foul mood (despite the dangers of doing so) and asked pleasantly, returning to his previous position stretched out on my bed, "Who was tha'? Yer maid? Yer governess?"

"My mother."

Jack made an "Oh" face to find his guesses so off the mark, but pleased none the less. I didn't like his look, namely because I could see the cogs turning in his head. It's not everyday that you meet your girlfriends mother, am I right? And if I was interpreting his look accurately he was planning to make it clear to her that we'd gotten freaky on the island. No way that was happening. I don't think so; I had no wish to be deported to a nunnery.

"And she can't know you're here!" I commanded, pointing a finger at his nose.

"I don't think yer in any position ta stop me if I want ta meet yer lovely mother, lass."

"He does have a point." Vicki admitted, "How are you gonna keep him a secret?"

"We! How are WE going to keep THEM a secret! I'm not going solo on this." I reminded her strictly.

"So, why can't I meet ye mumsy, me love?" Jack asked again, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to peer at me, "I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman."

"Norrington would be a perfect gentleman. You, well we all know what you'd do…" Vicki snorted.

"An' yer point, lass?" Jack countered snidely.

"There doesn't have to be a point. You're not getting near her, Sparrow!" I argued, "And besides," I added in an effort to end the matter, "she's deathly allergic to…make up wearing pirates…and…I'm not too fond of them either."

Jack's brow rose skeptically.

"Oh come on, Rachel, you know you love his eye-liner." Vicki chided me.

I grumbled but didn't answer in the affirmative.

"Is'all righ', Miss Victoria…I think I 'ave a hunch as ta why she doesn't want her mother ta meet me." He leaned forward a bit more, his features twisted into a very smug expression, "It's because ye weren't exactly mummy's litt'l gel on tha' island, righ' lass? Yeh did some things ye'd never live down or admit to, am I righ'? I hit the nail on the 'ead, didn't I?" He waggled his brow.

Vicki and Will turned to stare at me simultaneously. I didn't look at them.

"Um, Rachel," Vicki began, "not to press or anything but…just WHAT did you DO on that island?"

"Yes, please inform us…" Will asked earnestly.

"Nothing." I crossed my arms defiantly over my chest, glaring at Sparrow, "Nothing at all."

"Tha's not exactly the way I remember it, love." Jack commented lightly from his perch, as he nonchalantly glanced over is nails.

"Well, that's the way I remember it." I said with an air of finality.

"I can refresh yer memory if ye like…" Jack volunteered huskily.

My knees nearly gave out.

Vicki rolled her eyes, "Oh for god's sake, Jack, just take her to the coat closet and get it over with."

"What? Like you and Will did?" I snapped abruptly, "You stay put!" I commanded to Jack, who had begun to get to his feet with an intimidating gleam in his eyes. At my words, he raised his arms as if backing off, but his smirk was much too feral for my tastes. I glared at him suspiciously until Vicki piped up.

"Actually, we were interrupted." Vicki clarified, sniffing in disdain as she crossed her own arms over her abdomen.

"By who?" I questioned.

"The vacuum cleaner, to be exact."

Will had just blushed so badly his ears ended up turning beet red.

I shook my head…too much info. I coughed embarrassed, "I think we should, ugh…get ready for bed. Get some sleep. We've got to find a way to send you guys back tomorrow."

Vicki's grip tightened on Will's arm.

"But, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I assured her hastily.

In the end we all decided sleep was the most useful and welcome course of action, as we were all beat. Vicki and I took turns in the bathroom, to brush our teeth and change into PJ's. Her in her flamingo design ones and me in my Nightmare Before Christmas tee and flannel black baggy pants.

Vicki went to set up the Aerobed for Jack and Will. I woke my mom up.

"What? What is it, honey?" She murmured groggily, trying to wake up.

"Just wanted to say goodnight. Vicki and I will sleep in. We'll make our own breakfasts and I'll call you when we're up."

"Okay, sweetie. I love you." She murmured, burying her head under the covers again.

"I love you too." I whispered, shutting the door gently behind me. "But would you still love me if I had a man, no wait, TWO men in my room? Yep. Didn't think so…" I chuckled, making my way to my room, "I'd be sent to an all girls boarding school…"

Thoughts of such a scenario fled my mind as I entered my room to find Jack had tossed his coat, hat and boots to the other side of the room and was now lying sprawled out on my comforter again. The slit in his shirt was gracious enough to give me a glance of a well tanned chest. I shook myself out of it.

"Alright." I proclaimed, hands on my hips to try and look authorative, "Off my bed."

"Ye could just share it with me." Jack returned.

"You could just get your ass kicked unless you move now!" I said, grabbing him by the leg that hung off the side and pulling him off.

"Come on Vicki, you can fondle Will later. I'm tired."

Vicki growled faintly, but reluctantly untangled her arms from him. I got in bed and turned out the light, sick of waiting for her. I heard whispers, then Vicki giggled.

"Play footsie with Turner another time!" I whined, beating my pillow with my fist as I sought a comfortable sleeping position, "I really wanna go to bed!"

Vicki laughed loudly at that. Come beads jingled nearby, Jack settling down next to Will, no doubt. Vicki got in beside me, and I pinned another pillow over my head to block out the rest of her smothered giggles. Stupid Will. Stupid Vicki. Stupid love…couldn't just let a girl get a decent night's sleep.

I should have been paying more attention at the time. Things were different in the morning.

* * *

I think I dreamed of dancing demon monkeys. I was taping Vicki as she painted a picture of Will. When I asked her to do her impression of Jack she threw down her brush and declared, 'she couldn't work under these conditions' and dragged Will off with her. Then Jack appeared and I locked him in a Batman lunchbox I had had in second grade.

Needless to say that was nothing close to what I woke up to.

I snuggled closer to my pillow under the warm covers, but it certainly wasn't a pillow.

"Jesus, Vicki…" I muttered turning my back to her presence, still half asleep, "tell to sod off when I'm sleep molesting you."

An arm snaked around my middle, pulling me against a solid warmth behind me.

"Not Victoria, love…an' not mindin' it one bit."

I screamed.

Somewhere downstairs, Vicki nearly dropped the milk she was about to pour over Will's first helping of Frosted Mini Wheats, her arm was shaking because she was laughing so hard.

Jack's hand was over my mouth before I had time to draw breath to scream again. I was now turned to face him, eyes wide.

Gently, he removed his hand.

I erupted. "What are you doing in my bed!" I whispered in a hushed, shaking voice.

"I 'ad been in the throes o' a peaceful sleep until tha' delicious wake up…"

"No…" I stopped his flow of words with the face of my palm, "I mean how did you sneak in my bed and why?"

His eyes shifted from dark to light, and back again. "I wouldn't necessarily call it sneakin', love. It more worked ou' like this: Miss Victoria wanted some undisturbed time with Turner an' suggested we make a litt'l…trade. Ye…for the Eunuch. But I 'ave ta say I do think I got the betta end of the deal." He murmured, burying his head in my neck. Whoah, not that early! Besides, I had some retribution to dole out because someplace, somewhere there was a dead Vicki walking!

"Where is she?" I growled, making to throw off the covers and crawl over Jack to find her and read her the riot act…four or five times on mega sound.

Unfortunately, Jack's arm was still wrapped securely about my waist. I couldn't budge in any direction. I couldn't even press myself closer. When Jack doesn't want you to move…you don't move an eyelash.

"Now's, I also bargained with the lass tha' I would 'old ye back should ye feel any need for bloodshed in light o' the proposition we agreed on."

I answered calmly, "I see no reason for bloodshed. I won't kill her…" I moved to rise, his arms loosening about me, "I'll just maim her really, REALLY badly!" I tried to dive out of the bed but Jack's arms clamped down again, relentless as a vice, "Now, let go of me so I can go push her down the driveway!"

Jack rolled me under him with the expertise of… well…let's just say he'd probably done it before. We wrestled for a few moments, each of us trying to get the upper hand. Actually, it was me fighting for the upper hand, Jack already had it.

"Sorry, nothin' doin', love. I'll release yeh as soon as ye calm yerself enough ta 'ave some breakfast. Personally o' course…I'm rather enjoyin' meself…"

"Sparrow…" I began in the most threatening voice I could muster in my current position, "get your hands off me now or face the consequences."

"I'll take those odds." His eyes glittering darkly.

"I…I mean it, Sparrow…" I sputtered, seeing that menacing shine flickering in his eyes, "If you try anything…if you do something…"

"Wha'?" He inquired with an impish innocence he didn't have, "Ye mean somethin'…"

"Don't…" I warned severely.

"…a litt'l like this?"

A little something like this was exactly what I had meant. I had every intention of telling him off so badly that his ears would bleed, but that is somewhat hard to do when someone else's lips are fused hotly with your own. Plus, it was kind of hard to think around...all THAT. The man had some deadly skills with his mouth, no kidding. I was completely comatose by the time he had pulled away. After a few moments of speechless dumbfounded silence I managed to choke out, "That…was…low…"

"Aye," Jack nodded slightly, agreeing as he husked, "below the belt ta be sure, but every bit as rewardin', in any case." He murmured leaning forward again.

I'd never had someone nibble at my neck before. I was going numb. 'Wake up, and bring yourself around, girl!' I mentally screamed. I was so mad. I was stronger than this, goddamnit! I would not allow myself to keep falling into a puddle of mush whenever he said my name or looked in my direction. I would not abide it.

Shit.

He was kissing me again.

As much as I hated to think it, as much as it disgusted me, I realized I had grown into a full fledged MARY SUE! I couldn't hold my own against ONE lousy pirate! I had Jack Sparrow in my room…in my BED…and I was letting him kiss me and I was kissing HIM back! I was a Sued Pimp, I realized sadly. I was the bane of all that was sacred and cannon! I had become what the fanfiction verse ran in mortal fear of!

'Never again,' I vowed.

'Stop speaking like a weep wailing OC!' My more sensible side snipped cruelly.

(Sniff) 'But I am an OC…'

'Not on my watch!'

'You can't stop it.'

'Watch me, Barbie.'

Thus was my internal dialogue.

Coming up for air, with no idea the battle raging on in my warped mind, Jack murmured muzzily against my ear, "Now…abou' those consequences…"

I pulled back, stretching my arm behind my back, searching my bedside table.

"Ya want 'em?" I pitched my voice to a lower register.

"Indeed, I do…" He was leaning in for yet another go.

My fingers wrapped around a tall bottle, bringing it slowly forward, concealed by my back.  
"You got 'em! Here ya go!"

And so saying, I sprayed him in the face with my Lolita Lempika perfume. His eyes were already almost shut in expectation of another kiss, or else it would have done some serious damage, about as much as could be expected from pepper spray. Luckily he just swallowed a bunch of it, choked, gasped for breath and started up a lung busting coughing that allowed me a short amount of time to wiggle myself out of his clutches to tear out of my room and down the stairs.

I skidded into the kitchen.

"VICTORIA CAMERON FRASER, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

She peeked her head in from the dining room, "Did he google you yet?"

"NO!" I bellowed, "And I don't appreciate your selling me to Jack just so you can squeeze in another closet rendezvous with Will!" I fumed.

"Is that a hickey on your neck?" She asked peering at me.

I clapped a hand bruisingly to the side of my neck on which Jack had bestowed his ardent minstrations.

"Don't try to change the subject when I'm mad at you…" I pointed out following her into the dining room.

"Really, Miss Rachel," Will cut in around an inquisitive tasting of the frosted mini wheats, "by no means is it as bad as you fear, surely…"

"And YOU…!" I cried, rounding on him, "You should KNOW better! Leaving a poor defenseless girl alone in a room with the likes of that Ladies Man! You should be ashamed of yourself…"

Will hung his head in guilt and pushed away his cereal bowl with a grimace, "I think I've had enough, Victoria."

"Bullshit. Eat up. Don't listen to her." Vicki said sliding the bowl back to him, "She's just in denial. She's trying to pretend she didn't have rabid bunny sex with him on that island."

"I didn't!" I protested.

"She's really just head-over-heels,-wild-crazy-dog,-hate-to-love-love-to-hate-him,-out-of-her-mind,-head-in-the-clouds,-wants-to-marry-him-and-have-lots-of-babies,-in love with him."

I stamped my foot on the ground, loudly like a little girl having a temper tantrum, "I AM NNNNNNNNNNOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Vicki smirked widely, "See what I mean?"

Will smothered a grin.

"She's crazy about him." Vicki put out.

I lowered my volume but my snarl stayed just as deadly as it had been a moment before, "I am not crazy about Jack Bloody Sparrow."

Before Vicki could point out the lie in such words a new voice joined our heated debate…a higher voice, thrown into a mockingly falsetto feminine tone.

"Oh, tha' Captain Jack Sparrow simply drives me mad! I'm crazy abou' 'im. 'is ruggedly 'andsome devil-may-care features 'ave ensared me an' set me aflame…"

I spun around in horror to view Jack descending the stairs; his mouth speaking these words in what I assume was supposed to be an imitation of me, with a book in his hands. My mouth dropped at the sight of it.

It had come from my room. My dream journal, in which I recorded all I could remember of any dream I woke up from, was in his hands! It had been hidden. Looks like Jack had found it.

With a merry twinkle in his eyes, and a certain smug smile on his lips he continued, "He gets me all 'ot an' bothered. God Almighty, if I 'ad 'im with me righ' now, we'd 'ave a glorious romp together an' I'd no longer 'ave me knickers in such a bloody twist." He was now down level with us.

My face was so red by then that I could have passed for a very large lobster or a very small Henry the Eighth. Will had just spat out a frosted square back into his bowl with a plop and Vicki was turning blue, as she choked on her orange juice.

Of course I had written nothing of the sort in that book. For someone who was as obsessed as I was with the dear Captain, I sure didn't have that many dreams about him. Oddly enough it was Vicki who had that pleasure. The world was sick and twisted that way. So there was really no danger, but there were some things…other types of things that I didn't want him to read in front of a roomful of people.

"Give it here!" I screeched as I launched myself at his hand that held the small book.

Holding it aloft, high above me, he danged it just out of my reach.

"I'm not a damn cat, Jack!" I protested, jumping up again to try and snatch it from him, "Just give it to me!"

"I beg ta differ abou' the cat comment…yer quite the Hellcat. Leavin' me in such a state o' wantin'." He made a tsking sound, "Tis not nice ta be such a tease, love," He murmured pulling the book back higher every time I jumped, "Is it?"

"What a horrible pun, Jack. Don't try it again. Now…GIMMEE!"

"I'll take that…" Vicki claimed, as she plucked it from his hand. She had climbed back up the stairs and reached her arm through the railing to get it.

I stopped my frantic attempts at getting it back, "Thanks a bunch, Vicki." I sighed relieved but it seemed Vicki had plans to read it as well.

"Hmmn, uh-hmnn, ah ha…" She commented, "Oh my…" She looked down at Jack, "Sorry Jack, this dream wasn't about you…but…wow, that's really steamy…Rachel…is this your 'In a dressing room with Sean Bean' dream?"

I ran to check. God help me if it was.

"Who be this then?" Jack grumbled, trying to take a peek at the writing as well.

"Nobody…" I said quickly, just as Vicki said, "Oh, he's this guy Rachel's ga-ga for…only he's like forty-six with children…"

"He's 'as forty-five children!" Jack's eyes popped, "Why 'ee's been with more lasses than I, by the sound o' it."

"Not forty-five children!" Vicki snorted, "He's forty-five years old and he has children."

"Oh…well then…"

Vicki turned the page.

"Why are yeh dreamin' abou' this bloke, eh?" Jack inquired, prodding me in the shoulder.

"Ow…"

"Why?" He poked me again, more insistent this time.

"Will you knock it off!" I snapped, swatting at his hand like a fly.

But Jack as we all know is relentless, "Why ye be dreamin' abou' other men, lass? 'Ain't I enough?"

Poke…

Prod…

Poke…

"I don't know! I don't know why!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms in the air in surrender. "I don't know why I dream about other guys and not you, but that's jus the way it is. Deal with it! And while you're at it maybe you'll ask Vicki why SHE'S the one that gets all the sex dreams with you in them!"

"Wha'?" Jack pulled back in pleased surprise.

"What?" Will uttered softly in shocked stupor.

Vicki's face paled drastically and her mouth tightened into a straight line. She took brief darting glances at the gawking males, "I don't know what she's talking about." So saying she glared at me and hit me with the book.

Jack smiled knowingly and while Will had relaxed and had sent her a timid smile, he still looked somewhat uneasy. Vicki turned another page, trying to pretend I hadn't just outed her.

"So wha's me bonny lass doin' in these dreams…hmnnn?" Jack purred, reaching a hand through the railing to run his fingers up my leg. I tried vainly to remember the last time I'd shaved.

"Nothing." My voice trembled. Get a grip, woman!

Vicki snorted, "In other words the shedding of clothes and lots and lots of wall slamage."

"Wall slamage?" Jack asked raising a brow.

Vicki shook her head, "Forget about it, you've done it before…You wouldn't be Jack Sparrow if you hadn't."

"It sounds shifty…" Jack commented, "Why's it in yer dreams?"

I erupted.

"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DUNNO! STOP ASKING ME! I DUNNO!"

Vicki turned another page and making a huge double take at the words written on it, her mouth twisted into a malicious grin.

"Hey, Rachel…there's on about Jason Isaacs in here too."

"Who?" Jack asked, turning his attention to her.

"Well whoever he is she apparently, and this is a direct quote, 'wants him to…'"

"LA LA LA LA LA!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, making everyone wince.

Unfortunately Vicki simply leaned over the rails and whispered it in his ear.

I knew I was doomed.

Sparrow's look was incredulous. The poor man had evidently gone into some sort of shock, or so I thought…until he murmured aghast, "Me…me bonny lass wrote tha' down?"

Vicki nodded.

Jack exploded. There's no other term I can use for what happened.

"LET ME SEE THA'!" He exclaimed, swapping the book from Vicki's hands, flipping through its pages frantically in a manic state.

In a moment of pure luck and coincidence the phone rang.

I took the cue and exited before Jack could rant the house down.

* * *

"Yeah, hello?"

"Can I speak to Rachel?" Came the familiar voice.

"You are. Hi Maura, great timing. You just saved me from a confrontation."

"With who?" She asked eagerly.

"A guy…"

"A guy? Rachel's got a guy?"

"It's complicated."

"I'll bet. So listen, I was just ya know…wondering if you wanna go see a movie or something or hang out…"

"Maura…this really isn't a good time."

"Let me guess. It's your guy and it's complicated."

"In a manner of speaking…"

* * *

"I can't bloody get me mind around it." Jack proclaimed, shaking the book in his fist, "The wench 'as been two timin' me. Me!"

"Only in her dreams." Will reminded him.

"I don't give a flyin' fuck, mate. It's still adulterous." Jack shot back.

Vicki snorted, "I'd imagine you'd know all about that word, Jack."

"And honestly, Jack," Will added, "you make it sound as if you both had some sort of understanding. You aren't married to her, as you pointed out the last few months, at every port and pirate village we stopped in on."

"If only, boy. Married men are getting' more ou' o' their friendly lasses than I am at the momen'." Sparrow scoffed.

"JACK!" Vicki shouted outraged, "Eh, you're probably right." She agreed.

"Wha' is takin 'er so bloody long, anyways?" He gestured to the other room.

"She's on the phone, cool your jets." Vicki answered.

"Say again?" Jack asked.

Vicki sighed in annoyance, "She's talking to someone."

"Is'it a chap?" Sparrow inquired suspiciously.

Vicki decided to have a little fun.

"Could be. It's probably Sergio."

Silence, then…

"WHO THE BLOODY 'ELL IS SERGIO!"

* * *

"In a manner of speaking…"

"Oh come on, Rachel. How bad could it possibly be?" Maura admonished me.

Possibly?

Bad. Really, REALLY bad.

I honestly didn't see him come in but suddenly POOF, there he was…and he looked beyond pissed.

"Can I help you?" I asked, putting a hand to the receiver.

"Where is 'ee!" Jack demanded.

"Where is who?" I asked, confused.

"I know 'ee's 'ere so's don't even try it, yeh brazen hussy!"

"You what?" I inquired dangerously of him.

"Where'd yeh 'ide the stinkin' coward? Ye want me woman yeh'll 'ave ta fight me ye litt'l bugger!" He yelled to the all but empty room.

"What are you going on about? Hold on." I turned back to the phone, "Maura could you like chill for a sec? I've got a problem I need to deal with…"

"Is tha' 'im?" Jack demanded, pointing to the phone.

"Is WHAT WHO!" I shouted, trying to understand him, "You're talking like a crazy person, Jack! What is it?"

"Tha' does it, gel! Give me tha' thingamabobber tha' yeh got in yer 'and."

"Are you out of your mind?" I exclaimed, "No way. I'm not giving you the phone. You're not ready for it. Hey!" I yelped as he snatched it from me.

And then he started bellowing into the mouth piece and my mouth dropped.

"IS THIS SERGIO, THE PANSYING FRISKER! OR IS IT THE TASTELESS BADGER, SEAN BEAN!"

"JACK!" Wherever the hell did he get the idea that Sean Bean was on my phone? I mean not that it wouldn't be cool, it's just highly unlikely.

"WELL, 'OEVER YEH ARE, YE DAFT BIG BUMMED MONSTROSITY, YER NOT GETTING' YER CLAWS IN ME BONNY LASS! YEH GOT IT!"

"Jack, you stupefied carrot, give me the goddamn phone!"

"YE STAY OUT O' THIS, YE LOUD VOLUMED WITCH!"

"YOU'RE GONNA BE ROAD KILL, JACK! I'M WARNING YOU!"

By now our shouts had drawn Will and Vicki into the room as well…Jack was back to yelling at the person on the other line, regardless as to whether it was Sean Bean or not.

"NOW YEH LISTEN 'ERE, YE GREASY MAN-CHILD FOOL! YE STAY AWAY FROM 'ER OR I'LL BE GO PULLIN' THE TRIGGER 'APPY JACK AND I'LL BLOW YER BRAINS OU', SAVVY? YE…YE…SNUFFBOXED WILLY MCNOW! YE UNDERSTAND, BOY? I WILL MESS WIF YE SO BADLY, YE WON'T BE ANY BETTA OFF THAN A SHADOWED LARK IN WITH A SCOTTISH PRISON FONDLER!"

"I say, I take offence at that remark." Vicki remarked.

That was as far as he got before I tackled him and pried the phone from his hands while he spat out curses of the most amazing and unusual variety.

"Hey Maura…ya still there?" I asked uncertainly.

"Yeah…yeah I think so…" Came the weak reply.

"I'm so sorry about that. Trust me I'm going to have a long serious discussion with him about phone etiquette."

"That's good, great for you…uh Rachel?"

"Ya huh?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Ok, yeah…sure…"

"Just what is Jack Sparrow doing on your phone anyway?"

"Apparently threatening bodily harm, if his curses are anything to go by."

"Yeah but…"

"Gotta go, Maura!"

I hung up the phone.

"We are in such deep dog doo if she thinks it's really him." I muttered.

"Why?" Vicki asked from her perch on top of Jack, next to Will. Sweet people that they were, they had restrained him.

"Because she'll keep calling."


	3. Payback thy name be Rachel

Disclaimer: My chappie again since my chapters are so long they have to be cut in half. How many pages do they usually turn out to be? Shwifty Five. So on the news front, Libertine trailer is now out (Ladies, an announcement…I am up for it all the time…)ARE you now, laddie? and I scored a 99 on my celebrity love match with Mr. Depp. Not to mention that Vicki and I have created our own Sim2 version of ourselves and the boys…bring on the make outs and whoo hoos! Boy does Sim Jack like to goose! Well, that about wraps it up. By the way the winners for the contest will be announced the chapter they appear which will be scattered about the fic. Keep sending in your characters if you want.

Oh and LESTAT the musical is finally coming out on Broadway spring 2006! Get ready to die people.

* * *

"There's no putting it off, Vicki." I declared again for about the fifth time, "We have to find a way to get them back."

"Why? And how?" Vicki asked, not looking too thrilled with the whole thing, "We don't even know where to start."

She had me there. I shook my head refusing to let that stop me, "Sure we do. It started both times with that." My finger flew to point at the TV.

"So what do we do?" Vicki sighed. Will sat next to her, a comforting hand on her knee and Jack sat in the corner. He had been sulking ever since the phone call fiasco.

"Maura's a girl, you moron!" I had yelled after hanging up with her.

Jack hadn't looked too convinced, "Are yeh sure?"

It had been insane.

"I dunno," I answered Vicki truthfully, "that's as far was my brain got to. Someone else fill in the rest. I'm tired. I need caffeine. Outta my way." I ordered barreling my way to the fridge in pursuit of a fizzy pop of cherry flavored coke.

"You know ladies…" Will began gently, "we needn't rush into this…."

"We're not setting up a date to screw, Will." I grunted, rummaging around the many shelves. Vicki covered his ears, "We're just trying to find a way for you guys to get home."

"I'm still having some trouble with how you mean to do that." Vicki posed.

"Easy." I said walking over to Jack (still pouting), "Get up, Jack."

Not a budge. Not a blink of an eye.

"Okay, Will…?"

"Oh no you don't…" Vicki threatened, angrily.

"Jeeze, fine. Come on, Jack I mean it. Get up off yo lazy ass." I warned, pulling sharply on his sleeve, but he merely gazed back hardly at me, his displeasure burning through his eyes.

"I don't think he feels up to it, Rachel." Vicki observed smugly.

"Then I'll make him."

"How do you plan to do that?" Will inquired earnestly.

But I had already jumped in Jack's lap. Now, it should be known I am not the lightest feather on the bird and so saying perhaps this is why Jack lost all resistance as well as breath, enough so I could pull him off the chair and place him in front of the TV

"Okay, heeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee'sssssssss Johnny!"

Silence.

"God, I did not mean forthat to be a pun. Okay, here it goes!"

And with that I pushed the already bruised Jack toward the TV…maximum speed…ludicrous speed even.

"OW!"

Jack fell after smacking into the screen.

I tilted my head to survey the damage, taking a pause.

"Yeah, that didn't go exactly like I thought it would. My bad, Jack. Jack? Jack?"

Vicki and Will were falling over each other in hysterics.

"You guys!" I exclaimed, "Stop it! Anything to roll around on the floor together. Help me get him up."

* * *

So when Jack finally came around after his near fatal encounter with my TV set, I admitted maybe throwing them back in the TV wasn't the way we were supposed to do this. Of course this meant we were back to square one.

"Alright." Vicki said taking the reigns of control, "Let's backtrack. What were we all doing before we went to Freaky Friday world? Will?"

"Crafting a new commission for another naval officer. I suppose he won't have it by the time of his challenge. Pity though, he'd need it. He was to take on the Commodore, last I heard…"

"James?" I asked startled out of the story by the Commodore's name. Had it really only been a day since I had given him that stupid hug. Weird, it felt longer. Jack pinned me with a look that symbolized Lavinia-izing my ass on the spot (for those of you who have never read Titus or seen the movie, Lavinia gets her tongue cut off as well as her hands), I shut up a bit after that.

"And you, Jack?" Vicki asked, in the hope of saving me.

"Wha's ta tell, love? A litt'l drinkin' may'ap, a litt'l whorin'. Jus' yer average nigh' in Tortuga."

Vicki looked toward me.

I wasn't paying much attention after the word 'whoring' had popped out, "I was washing my hands with goat's milk after taking a dump." I added.

"Nice." Vicki hissed in disgust. She shook her head as if to clear it of disturbing images best not left to the imagination and threw her own two cents in, "And I was watching the credits roll from the movie and feeling very depressed, and then that freaky deaky mon…OH MY GOD!" She exclaimed, and we all saw it at the same time.

"THE MONKEY!"

"Stupid blighter stole me name." Jack muttered.

Vicki and I were discussing this new clue in rapid sentences.

"The monkey!" I yelped.

"It jumped out of the screen!"

"And wrecked my home!"

"And you swiped it out the door!"

"Beat that, Tiger Woods!" I pumped my fist in the air.

"That's a bad thing, Rachel!"

"What? Why?" I asked quickly concealing my pride.

"Because if the monkey has something to do with the guys getting back and YOU booted him OUT…" She paused, "Never mind. I was mistaken, that's a good thing."

I shook my head violently, disagreeing, "Not if there's a demon corpse monkey roaming the streets."

"Don't' worry, if it tries to attack us your cats can just sit on it. Problem solved."

They probably could at that; they were as big as houses. I sighed, "That wasn't exactly my point, Vicki."

Just then there was a knock at the door. Everyone looked up. Mom wasn't supposed to be home for another couple of hours at the least.

"Everyone stay here." I ordered quietly.

"Screw that shit." Vicki grunted, getting to her feet and following me.

I peeped out from behind the wall at the door.

"Who is it?" Vicki whispered.

"I can't make them out. Damn lace curtain. I'll have to get closer."

"It could be the monkey…" Vicki warned.

"Why would it knock? It would just burst in, cackle madly, say something about chopping us into little pieces and then go about doing it. It's probably just the UPS guy." I responded, tip-toeing toward the door, and pulled back the curtains over the door a slip.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I shrieked.

"I knew it! Evil monkey! Well, is it? Is it the evil monkey?"

"No, worse…" I muttered pulling back the curtain the entire way.

"Hi guys!" The chipper form of our petite friend Maura waved cheerily at us from behind the protective glass, "Just dropping by to see what's up. Open the door."

"Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins." Vicki whispered in my ear.

"Just keep her away from the den." I whispered back, as I unlocked the door to let her inside.

She bounded in like a bundle of high energy, "So what are you guys doin'?" Maura asked shaking out the cold from her shoulders, another of her snappy hats on her head, she being a big fan of those sorts of things. Collector, she had her own private stash for any occasion.

"Nothing." Vicki and I chorused immediately.

"Right. I have to say I'm a bit hurt that you guys would get together without me, but anywhoo…Rachel…?"

"Ya huh?"

"How on earth did you get that long Jack Sparrow monologue? Was it from a new celebrity sound board on ebaumsworld?"

I shifted uneasily, "Well, not exactly…"

Her words were coming a mile a minute, "Cause it was great however you did it." She laughed then, "I almost thought that you actually had the REAL Jack…" Her eyes focused intently over our shoulders, "Jack…Jack…Sp-sp-Sparrow…"

"Maura?" I asked concerned. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost.

And then I knew even before he spoke. You see we could keep Maura out of the den but we couldn't keep the men in, especially when someone like Jack wanted out.

"Captain. Captain, lass. Why is it tha' everyone misses tha' litt'l bit o' information?"

Vicki put a hand to her brow to relieve her headache and I sighed as I turned to glare at Sparrow. He seemed undisturbed by this.

"Who's yer friend, lass?" He asked me. Maura pointed a finger limply at him, mouth slightly open.

"Jack, THIS is Maura." I informed him, "Maura meet…" I winced, "Jack."

"Ah," Jack purred as he moved closer, "So it'is tha' Maura's a gel. Pardons for the 'hole shoutin' at ye bit. Thought ye were someone else." He looked at the top of her head, "Nice 'at by the way, love." He commented charmingly. The thing is Jack's charm seems to knock most people off their feet, and Maura was no exception. Her eyes rolled back into her head and for the first and only time in her life…she collapsed in an unconscious heap on the floor.

"Damn." Vicki voiced.

"Bumpy sleigh ride, Jack!" I hit him on the arm, "Nice goin', you have to carry her then. Come on; bring her over to the couch."

* * *

"So what do we do now?" Vicki asked.

"I opt for slapping her or splashing water on her face."

"No need ta be so harsh, lass." Jack replied logically.

"How about we just scream 'The house is on fire!'? That usually does the trick." Vicki added helpfully.

"That or smelling salts." I agreed.

"Or the kiss o' life." Jack volunteered.

"What?" I snapped baffled, my eyes widened when he moved closer to Maura's prone frame, "Jack, what the HELL do you THINK you're DOING!" I grabbed him by the arm as he leaned down, jerking him back, "She's breathing, moron! You could clog her air passage with foreign air by doing that, whacko!"

Jack smiled slyly and I knew I had just somehow played into his hands, "Yer just green with envy, lass, tha' it's not yeh I'll be layin' one on." And turning back to Maura he leaned over.

I balled my hands at my sides. I've never been so mad, so angry in my entire life.

Thankfully, Maura woke up with a start before Jack had done his stuff and sat up quickly, hitting his head with hers.

"GAH!" Jack fell back, clutching his throbbing noggin.

Vicki clapped her hands happily, not even the second day and it looked like Jack was going to be slapped around more than usual despite the time difference, "Oh that was close, Maura." Vicki voiced, "One second later and you would have played a serious game of tongue hockey with Sparrow."

Maura wasn't quite herself yet, due to the extensive head injury and so didn't catch her last words, "My head hurts." She whispered, "Why?"

"Okay Maura," I began in a soothing tone, "Don't faint again."

She cut me off, snorting in derision, "Please, Rachel…I've never fainted in my life let alone just because I saw Johnny Depp standing in your living room…OH MY GOD! JOHNNY DEPP WAS STANDING IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!"

"Au contraire, my befuddled young friend," Vicki corrected, "Jack Sparrow was standing in her living room. Now however, he is on the floor, a large lump forming on his head because you knocked him out."

"Oh shit, I did…?" Maura murmured, "Wait a minute…Jack Sparrow is just a character…he's not real…"

"BLEEDIN' BLOOD OF THE RISEN BLOODY CHRIST, THA' 'URT!"

Jack was on his feet again, "Like bein' battered by a wild ram…which 'appened nigh on twelve years passed when I was in the Himalayas…"

To give Maura some credit she didn't faint again but simply looked from him to Will (who was standing next to Vicki) with strong scrutiny; then her hard gaze came to land on me. "Does your mom know you have half the cast of Pirates crashing at your house?"

"You mean technically?" I asked.

"You mean honestly?" Vicki added.

"Either. Or both." Maura responded.

We shared a glance.

"No."

Maura nodded, thinking that over, "Okay, I'm gonna digest that bit of info…" She breathed deeply, as if collecting her thoughts, "Well, I must say I'm shocked and disappointed in you and…no, wait! Why didn't you guys tell me?"

"Um…you're dreaming…this is ALL a dream…" Vicki waved her hands about Maura's face, making strange dreamlike motions along with hummed soundtrack.

"Get your hands out of my face, Vicki." Maura snapped getting to her feet, "There's only one way to make sure if it's a dream or not. Hey, Rachel?"

"Ya huh?"

"What's Draco's dad got ya doin'?"

"Who?" Jack questioned darkly.

I immediately burst into song, unable to resist the call of Jason Isaacs hotness, "DRACO'S DAD HAS GOT ME GOIN' MAD! HE'S ALL I WANT AND I KNOW THAT IT'S SO SAD! DRACO CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE BOY FOR ME! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE BAD BUT…I'M IN LOVE WITH DRACO'S DAD!"

Maura pointed a finger in my direction, "Would Rachel break into song if this was a dream?"

"Isn't that what people are supposed to do in dreams?" Vicki asked.

Maura sighed in annoyance, "Well yeah normal people. This is Rachel we're talking about here. If this were a dream she'd sing about Lucius Malfoy and then he'd just pop up so she could glomp him."

My good mood dropped suddenly. Oh no, Maura, don't…

"Fer 'er ta wha'?" Jack's hands were making strangling gestures.

Maura turned to him with a look of, 'I'm about to have a conversation with Captain Sparrow, shit mind's gone blank, okay plan B incriminate Rachel further…', "Attack." She explained the word, "You know…tackle him to the ground and then lick him from his head to his to…"

She stopped at Jack's thunderous expression, which he soon rounded on me.

"…and I wasn't supposed to say any of that was I?"

"Time to go, Maura." I said, frantically herding her toward the door.

"Wait, wait, wait…" She pleaded as I pushed her out, "Call me…and bring them over to my house some time. Let me at least borrow them so I can make Mack jealous…please, pretty please…"

"Goodbye, Maura."

"Was that a yes!"

* * *

I'd never seen Jack so steamed. You could have boiled an egg on his head he was so hot with anger, but then it would've got stuck in his hair. And I don't care what the cooking network says; eggs whites and dreads do not mix. Not even in a blender.

I retreated to Vicki's side in fear of the venom Jack was throwing my way. She was looking at Will who was looking through my cupboards thoughtfully.

"You know I love the man to death but I really would like to see him cleaned up and well groomed." She sighed from her vantage point next to me.

I put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Well, you know Vicki, perhaps now's the time to explain to them what a shower is."

* * *

"Is it magic?"

"Nah, lad, tis witchcraft, no doub' o' it."

"Look, it's really not that hard to understand." I argued. "You strip. You get in. You pull on this…"

"Lass, wha' a mind… all tha's due ta yer consortin' with them other blokes."

I rolled my eyes, "And then water comes out. Now, who's going first?"

While the men bickered about who was brave enough to venture into the fearful and newfangled contraption, Vicki and I left them to it.

"Man, is Jack mad at you or what?" Vicki chuckled.

"Yeah and whose fault was that?" I asked sharply, "Why'd you go and tell him I had make out session fantasies with other guys?"

"Well, you told everyone I had losing my virginity dreams about Jack!" Vicki defended herself, "Will looked almost sick because of it!"

"I only did that because you slave traded me for Will with Jack!"

"Oh as if you didn't enjoy it." She retorted.

"I didn't! And even if I did," I stressed the word, "I can't now thanks to you. He's convinced I'm some sort of harlot now."

"It's not like he's never consorted with those before."

"I know that but he wants nothing to do with me now. And I'll just mention again that it's ALL YOU FAULT! I'm gonna get you back for it all so watch your back." I warned.

Vicki smirked, "That's Will's job."

"Yuck, Vicki, I don't want to hear that kind of shit!"

* * *

"Vicki!" I called.

"What? I thought you were planning your revenge…"  
"I was but Will interrupted me. It seems he's having some problems with the shower." I was holding in my laughter. This was just too good.

"Yeah, I'm not in it." Vicki snorted as she took the lead of the march to the bathroom, "Why didn't you just explain it again to him? You did fine before."

"Not according to Will. He says I'm too confusing. He wants YOU to help him."

She grinned as she opened the door, "Oh I'll help him, right out of his tight fitting…"

There was a long moment of stunned silence before she murmured muzzily, "Oh…they're already off…"

I was leaning against the opposite side of the wall, crowing with laughter. I had to look at her face! Ah revenge was sweet and funny! Who knew? I kept my eyes away from where she was looking but Vicki was getting more than an eyeful of Will Turner, who really had had no trouble whatsoever with understanding a shower, and had been enjoying it in solitude until this interruption. The clear plastic covering hardly did anything, if nothing to preserve Will's honor. Sticking his head out, water cascading from his hair onto his strong shoulders, he wiped soapy suds from his eyes and blinked at Vicki's frozen form in the doorway, one hand still on the door handle.

His expression immediately turned to one of worry, "Victoria? Is something wrong?"

"Ohhhh….I don't think so…"

Will's cheeks suddenly flushed to a rosy hue as he was reminded of the position he was currently in. His eyes darted around nervously, "Did you want something?"

"Let me think about how I'll answer that…"

They stood staring at each other for the longest time, when Will finally cleared his throat softly, "Victoria…I really ought to finish bathing…"

I had one last bellow of laughter before grabbing a hold a Vicki's hand, deciding to end her torment. I smirked from a profile so I wouldn't embarrass Will further, "Sorry Will. Had not IDEA you were still in there. Ta ta!" I pulled Vicki out after me, tugging at her arm as she seemed incapable of moving and we made out way downstairs.

"Thanks." She murmured finally.

I was confused. Her joy sounded genuine. "For what?"

She looked at me incredulously, her eyes wide, "For what? For what! I just saw Will in his birthing suit!"

My brow furrowed, "You're not embarrassed?" I asked, beginning to see my revenge hadn't really been quite evil enough. The diet coke of evil more like, or the C2 of evil, the kind that leaves the ass tasting after taste in your mouth.

"God no! Ecstatic! Bounding with excitement! Blissfully happy! Why the hell would I be embarrassed?"

I grumbled, "You were supposed to be." I admitted.

She shrugged her shoulders blithely, "Well I wasn't. Man," She giggled, "I wish I had known though. I would have brought my camera. Talk about a Kodak moment, eh?" She nudged me in the ribs, knowingly.

I was still pouting that my plan for revenge had gone so terribly ary when she suddenly stopped and hugged me.

"Don't worry. I'll find some way to make it up to you." She gushed with the promise.

That sounded like trouble, "No…no…no really, there's no need to do that. I don't deserve anything." I protested in fear.

"Of course you do, don't be silly." She chided slyly, "Besides what are friends for?" She patted my shoulder, then bounded off.

"Mercy. Let's pray to god that's what friends are for." I trudged solemnly after her.

* * *

"Rachel!"

"What is it now?" I looked up from my book, as Vicki's cry wafted in from the other room.

"Jack just spilled Rum on the floor!" She shouted from the kitchen.

I sat up straight, "On our newly cleaned hardwood floor!"

"Jeeze, Jack, you're such a klutz." I heard Vicki mutter.

"Excuse me!" I heard Sparrow exclaim insulted, "Eh, wha' does tha' mean, lass?"

I sighed in exasperation and shook my head sadly, "Never mind. I'll get a towel. Keep him away from the china until I get back, Vicki."

"Will do!" Vicki hollered back, still berating the Captain for his sins against floor polished oak wood.

I was in way over my head, I mused ruefully as I made my way to the bathroom to get the much needed towel. I had two pirates, one of which was very mad at me, stuck in my house, a floor that was getting wrecked, a fast disappearing liquor cabinet, a friend who just wanted to take trips to the closet to Shagsville, and a corpse rodent like monkey on my hands. How was I ever gonna deal?

I stepped into the bathroom and stalled right inside the door.

It was occupied and by the dirty and vulgar sea chanty he was bawling in his throaty voice, I knew exactly who it was.

My mind grasped out for possibilities. But…but it didn't make any sense! I had just heard him in the kitchen with Will and Vicki! Were there two of him now? Mmmn two…(no, no bad thoughts, don'ta thinka the bada thoughts.)

At the time I didn't know but Will as it turns out does a mean Jack Sparrow impersonation that's spot on. And I had fallen for it.

"Oy, I'm feelin' a bit of a draft abou' me lower regions, lass." A grumble startled me, "Stayin' in or goin' ou'?"

I had no idea he knew I was in there, but now that I knew HE knew I was outta there!

Or I would've been if Vicki and Will hadn't shut the door in my face, with wild laughter and locked it from the outside.

"Hmmph…" Jack murmured from behind the curtain, "Stayin' in, I'd imagine."

I stared at the door in shock a second before throwing my whole body weight against it.

"Oh Jesus Bloody Christ, child." Jack muttered, "Give it a rest."

But I was livid, I was unhinged. I was in a room with a NAKED Jack Sparrow and I couldn't get out!

"Open the door, Vicki, I mean it! Right now! Do you hear me? Right NOW! Will, you…you…you EUNUCH BLACKSMITH DONKEY PETTER, unlock this door this instant! I demand it!"

The water shut off behind me, I was desperate now.

"Please don't do this to me, you guys! Please, please just spare me this, okay? I promise I won't accuse you of banging each other ever again…please!"

The curtain pulled back on the rod around the tub, and Sparrow stepped out. There was a big fluffy pink towel hanging on the door. Breaking the speed limit, I snatched it off the hook on which it hung and flung it over my shoulder without even risking a glance backwards.

"I'm begging now, please open the goddamn door!" I cried, frantically pawing at the handle.

"Make her into a woman, Jack!" Vicki teased from the other side.

I lost it.

"You SNEAKY SNAKE IN THE GRASS TRAITOR! Let me out! I'll rip you apart; I'll tape ya back together! Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!"

"Alrigh' lass, enough." Jack grunted, seizing me around the middle and spinning me around, until I was pressed against the door.

There could not have been an odder sight. He was there in front of me in his usual mind numbing glory with a ridiculously hot pink towel wrapped snuggly around his waist. Good god, he had more tattoos. Well, I couldn't say I was surprised…but lord, that man knew exactly where to put them to tease the gaze. I found my eyes dipping lower.

Jack chuckled; a dangerous low sound and I realized I had been caught staring.

"See somethin' ye like, lass?"

If I were Sands I would have pulled out a big ass sniper pistol and shot him and said, 'No' in a sexy death like whisper. But I'm not Sands so I did what I would usually do in any situation like this. I averted my eyes. The failing vent in the corner, the paint crumbling from the ceiling, anything to look at other than what was directly in front of me.

The manic laughter behind the door had quieted and I had a horrible feeling that both Vicki and Will had their ears pressed closely to the wood to hear whatever unmentionable things they thought would take place.

"Jack…" I began bracingly, coughing nervously, "we're locked in."

"Yes, I'm very aware o' tha'…"

My eyes napped to him angrily having at the moment forgotten my modestly.

"Well?" I asked furiously, "What are you gonna do about it?"

"Yeh expect me ta do somethin' abou' it? Wha' did ye 'ave in mind, lass?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe getting us out for starters. Does that sound too crazy?"

"Not'all, lass…but then I've no imminent wish or desire ta leave me current surroundin's. I'm quite enjoyin' myself, actually."

"Of course you are," I replied snidely, "This is your favorite kind of predicament, isn't it?"

"An' wha' is tha' supposed ta mean?" He asked darkly.

"Oh come on! You're saying a pair of legs and a skirt trapped in a room with you scantily clad, ISN'T your idea of a good time?"

"I migh' as well ask ye the same…"

"It's not on my top ten!" I fought back.

He scoffed, "Unless it's with tha' Vegetable Bean man."

"No! Not even then, Jack. And that's not fair; I've never even KISSED another guy, let alone been in a bathroom alone with one!"

"But you were in a JC Penny's dressing room with one in your dreams!" Vicki supplied from behind the door.

"SHUT UP!" I shouted back, rounding on the wood and the people on the other side, "I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE!"

"Well than get to it, lass. Yer takin' so long I'm beginin' ta dry." Jack commented, leaning heavily against the sink.

"My POINT," I said returning my attention to him, "is that YOU'RE the one who goes through women like rum through veins. YOU'RE the one who's been, to excuse the expression, fucking around, not ME! And yet there you stand like the King of Sheba accusing me of being unfaithful! Here, to make it simple, I should just ask: How many women have you slept with since we left? Five? Ten? Hell, why not twenty or thirty? Huh?"

Jack's smile had slowly melted into a thin, stern line, and he had gone intensely still. His muscles seemed pulled taunt, as if he was holding his temper in close check. His silence merely proved my theory one hundred percent. But even though I had been expecting it, I wasn't prepared for how disappointed I felt at the news my suspicions were accurate.

"So…since neither of us wants to be locked in a lavatory with someone who cheats…I suggest you do something about it and get us out."

Jack's eyes shut for a brief moment, as if slowly counting to ten before he lost patience with me, and then he opened them.

"Ye want me ta do somethin' abou' it?"

"YES!" Finally, he was getting it. I paused, "So um…whatya gonna do?"

"Nothin'." He replied calmly.

"Nothing." I repeated dumbly, how was that gonna help.

He nodded, "Nothin'…"

I turned from him deflated. Great we'd be here forever.

"…Oh, an' this." I barely had time to turn around when he sprang from the sink and grabbed me.

Now, I don't see how kissing the strength out of my knees so that I buckled under the pressure could have possibly helped us escape but…it sure felt good.

But I didn't want to kiss him now, goddamnit…I was mad! Because he wasn't even going to deny the fact that he'd been with other women, wasn't even going to try! And he thought snogging the breath from my lungs was going to make it all okay? If that was the case he had another thing coming! But for someone who was so adamant about not being kissed now, I sure wasn't putting up much of a fight, a fact that just made me angrier.

Sparrow had wrapped both arms around me, his calloused hands splaying across the small of my back and between my shoulder blades. My fingers dug into his upper arms in either an effort to push myself away or to press him closer. I managed to pull myself together in the nick of time and tore my mouth from his.

No, I was going to fight, damnit!

"Don't think just by kissing me you can get away with flirting with other women, Jack. I mean it, just because I like you doesn't mean I don't have morals…I'm not taking this from you…I'm not one of your stupid bimbos…"

With a rumbling growl that seemed to vibrate my every nerve, he removed his hands from my back and placed them heavily on my hips, ramming me the remaining minuscule inches into the door.

"Jesus, Jack…" I began but my mouth glued itself when he began trailing harsh kisses down my neck. If he kept going in this rough and tumble way that towel didn't stand a chance.

"Jack…" My voice shook, hell my whole body was shaking! "Watch the towel…" I tried in vain, "It's gonna fall in a second…"

His head still buried in my neck, he uttered deeply, in a tone that suggested I stay quiet for my own good, "Let me worry abou' tha', an' ye lass…worry abou' stayin conscious."

"Wh…what d-d-do you mean?" The tremor was more pronounced than ever now.

I could literally feel the wicked smile he imprinted on my neck as he murmured, "I…am goin' ta kiss ye until yeh faint…or until ye come ta yer senses an' stop arguin' with me."

The age old battle.

"I won't faint." I tried bravely in an attempt to prove strength I didn't have at the moment.

"Yes, ye will…" He assured me softly, the kisses making their way up again.

Now that just irritated me. Who was he to tell me what I would and wouldn't do?

"No. I. Won't." I declared with more force and conviction this time around.

He chuckled, a sound that sent me trembling against the wood, "Believe me, lass…ye will."

His teeth closed around my earlobe and tugged gently.

Christ.

Christ.

Christ.

'Christ!" I whimpered mentally, 'Please, don't let Vicki and Will still be on the other side of this door.'

Another sharp tug and black began to tumble into my eyesight. It lasted for only a brief moment but in that time I panicked at the thought that he might have actually made me pass out. How embarrassing would that have been?

Sparrow seemed to know exactly what had transpired and pulled back, smiling in triumph, "See…wha' did I tell ye, lass?"

Stupid Wise Ass.

I wanted to say something crude but I had the feeling Jack would take it entirely the wrong way…a way that would prove disastrous for me, so I kept my mouth shut.

"I knew I 'adn't lost me touch…" He remarked jovially pulling back completely. "Now, do yeh mind movin' ou' of me way, lass? Yer blockin' the door."

My mind suddenly screeched to a stop. What?

"What!" I gasped in shock.

"The door…yer blockin' it."

"But…" Had I just missed a step? Hadn't he just been kissing me?

"But wha'?...Oh the kiss?"

Uh kiss? Just a kiss? I tugged up my sweater which he had somehow (without my knowledge) slipped from my shoulders. The man had come THIS close to…well, he'd come close to it, whatever it was. I nodded my head.

"Wha' abou' it?"

He was being evasive on purpose and I was losing my cool, what little left I still had after that.

"Why did you kiss me?"

And then he bared it…NO not in that way! Pervs! He bared that predatory, stomach lurching smile.

"Jus' tryin' ta make a point, lass." He replied throwing my earlier words to Vicki back in my face.

I opened my mouth to retort with something biting but…I didn't. I couldn't think of words strong enough to express my humiliation. He was just going to dangle the possibility of his having feelings for me, and then was just going to wave it off like it was no big deal, as if it hadn't mattered in the first place. And I knew this was payback. Payback for liking other guys before I knew him as a person, instead of just a charismatic face on the screen. And he was never going to let me live it down.

I really couldn't stand him.

Arrogant Bastard.

While I had been inwardly fuming, Jack rapped swiftly on the door.

"Alrigh' now yeh two, we're done. I don't fancy havin' ta blast through this door ta extract myself from its confines, so do us all a favor an' let us out."

With a click that signaled freedom the door was unlocked, and it swung open to show Vicki and Will wearing the Known and Dreaded Siamese Twin Cat Grins.

"Bloody hilarious, mates." Jack remarked to them, "Incredibly original. 'owever did ye think o' lockin' us in a bathroom together? Amazin', it's not like it 'asn't been done before."

"We thought if you two just had some time to yourselves you could work this out…" Vicki began.

"I understand, lass." Jack stopped her with a raised hand, "No need ta explain. It's not the first time nor will it be the last tha' I've 'ad a wench get 'er mates ta lock us in a room to get into me britches."

I made up my mind then. Jack had just crossed the line. If he wasn't going to play nice, then neither was I. Jack should have been more careful because what they say is true in every regard, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'

Well call me a woman scorned. I wasn't going to put up with this bullshit anymore. Jack had just played his check, it was my turn.

As Sparrow made to walk out, I grabbed an end of the pink towel and pulled…hard. Doing so, I covered my eyes with my free hand, the one that wasn't holding aloft the towel, but nothing could cover my grin.

Checkmate. I win.

Payback's a bitch named Rachel.

"HOLY GOD!" I heard Vicki cackle as she laughed with machine gun bursts of exclamations.

"Jack, would you be so kind as to re-clothe yourself? I would like to remove my hand from Victoria's eyes." Will chuckled.

The towel was ripped from my grasp and I stifled a giggle. I heard what I thought to be Jack furiously wrapping the towel around his middle again.

And then he grabbed my arm sharply and he pulled close enough for me to feel his breath play around my neck.

"Ye…" He murmured in a deadly calm voice, "will regret tha'." His grip lessened as his hand trailed down my arm. "I give ye my word."

I opened my eyes, "The word of a pirate? Oh, I'm shaking in my boots." I replied dryly, pushing past him.

He grabbed the crook of my elbow, pulling me back. I looked down at it in amusement.

"Come on, Will. I wanna see!" Vicki protested, trying to pry his hands away from her eyes.

"No, Victoria. It's for your own good and their privacy." He retorted, struggling to keep a good hold on her.

Meanwhile back at the ranch with Jack:

"My word, lass. Ye will regret it, I can assure ye…deeply because I always keep me word. An' I shall take the utmost pleasure in keepin' this one, I promise ye."

"Get dressed, Sparrow. You're dripping water on my floor."

Jack's mouth curled into an unnerving, carnivorous grin and he strode from the hall leaving me with Vicki, who was berating Will for watching the scene when she couldn't.

* * *

Draco's Dad song is a bunch of lyrics I made up to Stacey's Mom, when I was in like freshman year... 


	4. The death of Little Bart and Mags

Disclaimer: Vicki's chapter, twill be long. Tis fine though, for my next chapter is so very long that it might have to be split into three, nay FOUR different chapters! It might even be that this one must be split….banana splits…it's no sundae…I'm talking crazy here. Save me and read…

**P.S. CAPTAIN JACK IS BACK! Trailer is out ladies an' gents! Need I say? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**

* * *

The day had come, they were showered, they were deodorized, they were ready. I arrived at Rachel's house at ten (after having left her alone with the boys the previous night, slipping her a tazer (for Sparrow should she need it) before I left) with my gear, a hair dryer at my waist like a gun, a spare hair net atop my head as if it were a cowboy hat. Rachel rushed down the stairs to greet me and quickly pulled me up to her room.

"Bout time you're here, they're driving me crazy!" She announced. I wondered how bad it could possibly be, but as soon as we reached her room and opened the door I understood. Jack was lying on her bed, talking to the poster of himself ("My god, yer a 'andsome fellow!) and Will was walking around her room, picking up objects and carefully looking at them.

"Victoria! You're here. I missed you!" Will cried out, coming to the door to embrace me.

"Ahh, Miss Victoria. I wonder, 'ave ye met this charmin' devil? I dare say ye 'aven't, but let me make the proper introductions…" Jack began, but Rachel soon cut him off.

"Shut up, Jack! It's a poster of yourself! Get over it! You're not that handsome!" I turned to her and raised an eyebrow, but Jack spoke for me.

"Tha's not wha' ye said las' night, love. 'Oh, Jack! Jack yer so amazingly handsome! Oh, Jack, take me, yes, YES!'"

"Jack, that never happened!" Rachel screamed, her cheeks a bright shade of red. I snorted with laughter behind my hand.

"True, but it could, me bonny lass, if ye'd only let it. Ohh, the ideas it give me…" Jack grinned, slowly approaching a cowering Rachel. I leapt in front of her, brandishing my scissors like a cutlass.

"Watch it, Sparrow, or you'll have no more hair on your chinny-chin-chin, get it?" Jack looked horrified and quickly stepped back, one hand lovingly caressing his braids.

"Alright, well I'd say it's time to get to work. Wouldn't you say, Rachel?" I asked.

"I certainly would, Vicki, lead on!" I nodded and motioned for everyone to exit the room. I led the way to the bathroom and took my place atop the sink.

"Okay you two, who's first?" Jack and Will looked at each other, confused, and then looked back at me.

"Well let's see, you're sitting on a…whatever that is, at perfect kissing height, legs slightly parted," Will said stepping into the room and standing between my knees, "Well, I'd have to say that I'm quite ready to go first…"

"Will!" Rachel said, her mouth open wide, "Get your mind out of the gutter! Woah, never thought I'd be saying that to you…"

"I meant," I said, painfully pushing Will away, "who's ready to get their hair cut?" Silence filled the bathroom for awhile. Then, at the same time, Will sank to his knees in fright and Jack jumped into the tub and pulled the shower curtain across, covering him from view.

"Oh for god's sake, it's for your own good!" Rachel said closing the door behind her. I simply smiled and put my flip-flopped feet on Will's head. A perfect foot rest!

"Jack, get your bloomin' arse out of there! You'll stink up the shower again!" Rachel cried, trying to open the curtain, though it seemed Jack had both ends tight in his grasp.

"No! Yer not cuttin' me 'air! 'S fine how it is, savvy?"

"Ok, just the mustache then!"

"NOO! Neither of ye two psychopaths will ever touch a hair on me 'ead!"

* * *

5 MINUTES LATER…

* * *

"I promise Jack, just a trim, ok? I'll even let you keep your dreads, deal?" I said after finally getting Jack seated in front of me.

"If…ye…must." I picked up the razor and went to trim his goatee, but in a flash I picked up the pair of scissors and cut straight through his braids. Jack leapt from his seat and felt for his absent beard.

"Bloody hell! Yer evil, ye know tha'! Me braids, me beauties…'ow could ye?" Jack wailed. I shook my head and sighed.

"Geezus, Jack! They'll grow back! Stop acting like a baby!"

"Baby? These WERE me babies! I named 'em, see? The right one was Dirty Mags, the bar wench and the left was Bartholomew. Little Bart I called 'im…come ta think about it, 'ee reminded me a bit o' Will…" Jack continued.

I sighed, looking to Rachel for support, but she simply stood in the doorway looking at Jack's smooth chin.

"What the HELL did you do that for? First you put him in my bed, practically begging to MOLEST me! And now you cut off his beard! I oughta…" Rachel lunged towards me but Will got there first. He grabbed her arms as she spat a string of random curses in my direction.

"Let me at her, you EUNUCH!" She screamed, trying to twist out of Will's grip, but he held fast. "Just cause you're banging her doesn't mean I can't mess her up a bit!" My jaw dropped open.

"HE'S NOT BANGING ME!" I yelled, now a bit ticked off. "Believe me; you'd know if he was!" Both of us glared contemptuously at each other before Jack broke the silence by clearing his throat.

"If I many be so bold," He started, seemingly forgetting his missing braids, "as to question why ye, love, are so forlorn over me chin dangles? I mean, I'm pleased beyond all human expectations, but I can't help meself but to question it. Could it be that ye LOVED my braids? Or ADORED them? Even OBSESSED with them, hmmm?" I smiled, a bit please with myself when Jack spat at me, "But yer still evil!"

"I did not obsess over your braids! Sorry to burst your overgrown bubble, Jack!" Rachel sneered, though I could tell a part of her was lying.

"Jack, I had to do it. You'd have never made it out on the streets with 'em." I said calmly. I heard Rachel expel a deep breath.

"That's true. Okay, Will, I promise not to go Kamikaze on your girlfriend, so please let me go!" Will looked at me, then released her, keeping his stance for a few moments after to make sure I wasn't going to be attacked by Rachel, the escaped convict.

"Ok. Sooo…Will…you're up!" Rachel said, taking a sear on the toilet (the lid was down, you stupids!)

"What? But I don't think, I mean…I don't have any follicle oddities like Jack."

"Follicle oddities? You mean you don't have stupid chin braids?" I asked. I heard a small growl from Jack, but locked my eyes on Will.

"Don't worry. All I plan to do for you is shave off your whiskery things and cut your hair."

"What! All that? Are you sure that's necessary?" Will asked, slowly starting to back away from me. I reached out and pulled a lock of his curls through my fingers, tilting my head to the side as if reconsidering.

"Yes." I quickly decided, pulling Will over to a nearby stool and pushing him down onto it. I breathed in deeply, then reached down and cut off a short piece of his hair.

"Whew. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be."

"Wow, maybe he'll look less like a woman." Jack offered. I spun around sharply on my heel, putting the point of the scissors against his nose.

"Jack, you have a beautiful head of hair, have I ever told you that?" I asked cheerily.

"No, love. Ye 'aven't, but now's a good time to start sayin' it." Jack said. I smiled the fakest smile I could muster, then quickly switched into super scary mode.

"Well, unless you want me to scalp you Native American style and then tap dance on the bloody pieces of your chopped up dread locks, I SUGGEST YOU DON'T INSULT WILL!" I sighed, fixed my clothing, smiled sweetly at a startled looking Jack then turned to continue my work with Will.

888

"Well, what do you think?" I asked, greatly pleased with my work. Will stared at himself in the mirror.

"I suppose…it'll take awhile to get used to, but I admit it's certainly better than I imagined. Thank you." He said, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I'd trimmed his long hair so that it was a bit more Paris-y then Will, and of course he was clean shaven. I turned to Rachel.

"Well, do you approve?" She squinted her eyes as if seriously considering it.

"He still looks like Will. You know that, don't you?"

"Ahh," I smiled, "that's why they're getting new noses."

Jack's hand flew to his nose.

"Yer not cuttin' that off too! Ye think ye can just prance around cuttin' off people's appendages…" Jack's thoughts must have immediately flown to another of his beloved appendages, because his hands came off his nose and went to cover his, er, little pirate. You know, the one in his breeches.

"Cool down, you crazy, crazy kid!" I cried, "I'm done cutting. And unless you'd care to take a little trip to the feminine side, you can keep everything that's in your pants."

"Can I keep a cat? I 'ave a cat in me pants!" He grinned.

"Oh! I thought you were just happy to see me." Rachel mused.

"Would ye like me to be, love?" Jack said wickedly, stepping towards a now frightened looking Rachel.

"JACK!" I yelled, interrupting his movements, "Do you really have a cat in your pants?" Jack took on a glum look.

"No. But ifen' I did, I'd be keepin' it! Jack like 'is cats…er…in his pants."

"That's disgusting." Rachel said.

"Yes, but it's usually warm and furry too." Jack said.

"Are you talking about the cat now or something else?" She asked.

"Care ta find out?"

"OK!" I shouted, "That's enough!"

I paraded everyone out of the bathroom and down the stairs into Rachel's kitchen.

"God, this hairdressing stuff is hard." I sighed grabbing a diet cherry coke from the fridge and plopping myself down, on her countertop. Will came over and leaned his back on the cabinets. I reached over and planted a kiss on his clean shaven chin.

"Hmmm…" I said, rubbing my lips together, "I do kinda miss the bristly-ness." Will smiled and took a sip from my coke.

"I 'spose it's not all that bad." He said, staring down at the sliver and red can.

"Ok, so about them noses?" Rachel interrupted, stepping into the middle of the room. "How exactly are you going to do it?"

I grinned. Oh how little they believe.

"Flesh latex." I answered simply. Rachel raised an eyebrow.

"Flesh latex? That's it?" She looked entirely unconvinced.

"Flesh latex…and my skills! I can turn anything into…um…something else! I can make things smaller, bigger…"

"Oh well, that'd help dear William out, eh?" Jack grinned. I glared but continued.

"I can change shape,"

"Well he did mention it was a tad crooked…"

"Change color,"

"Now tha's disgusting! Must be some kind of fungus…"

"or texture." I finished.

"Oh! So it's Will that's got the furry one!"

"Hey! Jack! CRAM IT!" I yelled, "IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN YOURS!"

Jack immediately looked utterly insulted, Rachel's jaw dropped, and Will turned a lovely shade of scarlet. See, I told you I could change something's color!

"Uh, Vicki? Can I speak with you for a sec?" Rachel ordered more than asked, taking my arm and leading me out onto the deck. As soon as she shut the glass sliding door she turned back to me and started off.

"HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE WITH HIM?" She whisper-yelled, her eyes wide in shock. I swallowed.

"I…I don't really think it's any of your bus…"

"How else would you know whether it was better than Jack's?"

"Ohhhh!" I smiled, suddenly realizing, "So that's what this is about. You're upset because I'm, excuse the pun, BELITTLING your man! Don't worry, I don't REALLY know, I didn't it that closely, I just wanted a way to shut Jack up."

"I AM NOT UPSET!" She sighed, trying again, "I am not upset. I'm simply shocked at your actions…whatever they may be. You haven't answered my question yet. How far?" I felt my cheeks blushing.

"We've only…you know…like…fooled around…I mean…it was ONLY a night. So I don't really know how…how…you know…well, he was pretty excited at one point." I giggled, looking back at Rachel.

"Never mind, I don't wanna know."

She opened the sliding door behind her and stepped through. I paused for a moment, then followed. Jack was sitting down on the kitchen stairs looking a bit put off at Will.

"So boys…you ready?" I asked half heartedly. Will smiled weakly and glanced in Jack's direction.

"I'm done, Missy. Ye've played with us enough fer one day. I simply won't 'ave it." Jack stated, looking almost cutely like a child about to throw a tantrum.

"Jack, if you and Will EVER plan to leave this house and see how the world's changed since your day, this is a necessity. I mean, it's either this of we make you dress like women." Rachel calmly said. I snorted, trying to imagine Jack fixing his fake boobs while staggering down the street in heels. Hah! Will and Jack looked at each other, then immediately got up and began muttering something about wenches and pink bows.

"I promise, this won't hurt a bit." I smiled.

"Ow!" Jack cried.

"Jack! I'm not touching you! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Ye will touch me eventually, an' I know it'll hurt! Just preparing meself 's all." Jack reasoned. I sighed. This was going to take a while.

* * *

"It looks like a pig snout." Jack replied, looking in the mirror I was holding.

"No it doesn't. Stop whining." I answered, shaking my head I'd added a look of the flesh latex on the sides of his nose, making the whole thing bigger. Actually, it made him look a bit French. Not that big noseFrench, but it's true for all my French relatives!

"No, you see Miss Victoria, it DOES look like a OINK…oh god! Ye've turned me into a swine! Oink! Nooo, make it stop! Get it off me!" Jack yelled leaping off his roost and jumping stupidly around the room.

"Jack! Calm down, you're acting like a fool." Will said. I'd done his nose first, adding a little latex on the bridge and highlighting the sides to make it look longer and broader. He hadn't looked too pleased at first, but now that Jack was behaving like a baby he'd dropped his slight irritation and was working hard at, once again, trying to be more gentlemanly than Jack (not that hard!)

"Jack, I always find it truly remarkable that you mange to take a simple situation and thoroughly muck it up!" Rachel shouted.

"Ah lass, I see yer still upset. Tell ye what, meet me upstairs in five minutes and I'm sure we can resolve this." Jack said a crooked grin. Rachel's face grew dark.

"How dare you!"

"Jack! Rachel…do I need to separate you two?" I asked, "I'll put you in time out, you know I will!" I was beginning to worry that they had an abusive relationship, yelling, maybe clawing…I did see her try to spike Jack's food with Tabasco the other night…actually that'd be pretty funny! Oh well, whatever toots your horn.

"Guys, I'm tired. Makeovers have a certain way of making you tired. I have to baby-sit tonight, so I'm out. Rachel," I said saluting, "good luck. I leave them once again in your care. Oh, and my mom and dad are going to the beach this weekend, and they said that I could have a friend over, so…that means you all can come."

"Woohoo!" Rachel cried, coming up to shake my hand, "Deal!"

"Deal. BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, JACK, IF YOU MESS UP MY HOUSE I WILL NOT FALTER IN MY ACTION OF KILLING YOU, RESURRECTING YOU FROM THE DEAD AND KILLING YOU AGAIN!" I yelled straight at Jack's face, which was currently trying to do his impression of an angel…not working.

"Now why, love, would I do a thing like tha'? Ye act like I have no respect fer a thing like a house, or a ship I want, or a person who's really getting' on me nerves!" I smiled.

"Oh, but that's cause you don't, Jackie." Will then stepped forward.

"You mean I get to see your home, Victoria?" He asked.

"Yes, Will. I don't live too far from…"

"Your home…where you live?"

"Yes, Will. That's what a house is, it's where you live, and eat and…sleep in." I said slyly. Will's expression changed entirely from a look of some 17th century graciousness at being invited to your girlfriend's home, to a look of anticipation at the weekend's prospective, er, events. "But today's only Thursday. So we'll have to wait."

With a quick kiss from Will I was out the door.


	5. Party invites from some ho's

Disclaimer: Vicki's chapter, which means it was written by? Anyone? Anyone? VICKI! She's starting to question whether you all know it or not…hahahhaa. How could you not? It's Vicki! It's Vicki and Will, all day, everyday! I'll be up next in the few chapters following. It's gonna start getting rocky children, so fasten your seatbelts and ugh…make sure you have OnStar assistance…you know just in case. Cheers! FOR NARNIA, AND FOR ASLAN! Sorry, had to! Loved the movie.

P.S. We have a **winner of the contest** in this chapter. The lovely **Sentinel Sparrow** shall be playing the role of some nasty bi-hatch we meet with the boys. No one who entered the contest had a bitch that was blond! So she was left up to our imaginations. Don't worry more character will make appearances as we go along, so keep reviewing!

* * *

"I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!"

"Jack! SHUT UP!" I screamed to the back as I drove Rachel and the boys over to my house for the weekend.

"I'm sorry, Vicki. He saw the commercial on TV this morning and he hasn't stopped since." Rachel sighed, absentmindedly drawing a pirate ship on the fogged up windows…it was raining outside (not that kind of fog!)

"That kitty was too cute for words!" Jack grinned.

"I swear, Jack, I still have my scissors! I'll cut more hair off…and I won't stop cutting if you get my drift." I spoke to Jack's reflection in the rear view mirror.

"Please Jack. It really is a bit on the annoying side." Will agreed. We continued our drive with more yelling as Jack began to draw lewd pictures on the windows steam, causing Rachel to stifle her laughter and Will and I to blush whenever we met eyes in the mirror. About a block away from my house two pre-teen girls wearing NSync and Orlando tee shirts caught a glimpse of the boys in the backseat and started running alongside my car. At least this is until I yelled, "He's mine!" out the window. That stopped them.

We finally reached the house and I opened the front door.

"Okay, now house rules. I AM THE QUEEN OF MY TERRITORY. AND I CLAIM WILLIAM AS MY KING. No one but Rachel and I are allowed in my room, I'm…uh…painting and I worry about the fumes; you know they're quite toxic and I fear for your health. So…have at it!" This wasn't really true about my room. About the paint. The real reason I was uneasy about any of the guys taking a peek at my sleeping quarters was because of the walls. They were cluttered with posters and magazine clips of Orlando Bloom in his many guises…along with a few choice Dom pics. I didn't think showing Will my infatuation with his twin would be a good idea. I mean just look at the trouble the whole "other man" thing put on Rachel and Jack's relationship. So nuh uh…we weren't going there anytime soon if we could help it.

After my speech Jack paused then ran full on into the kitchen and began pressing buttons on my oven. This was gonna be a long day.

"So, I thought maybe we could go to Target. You know, to kind of get you in the middle of today's world, sorta like submersion." I said.

"You mean immersion?" Rachel asked.

"Whatever."

"What's this 'Target' yer talking 'bout?" Jack spoke, stumbling a bit on an upturned corner of my rug, or maybe he just stumbled because he was Jack…highly likely.

"It's a store only it has everything you could ever possibly need in it. It's like…heaven!" I sighed, "And I love cute $16 shoes."

"Cheapass." Rachel coughed.

"Exsqueze me?"

"Oh I didn't say anything." Sure she didn't.

"Anyways, I need to get you two something to wear. Because 17th century garb might get you sent to the loony bin."

"Alright. What we waitin' for then?" Jack asked, chuckling warmly under his breath.

"Well, I need to put you both in normal clothes before we go shopping for normal clothes." I answered him. We went upstairs and after a brief explanation of what that large box was (a computer 'This is where the magic 'appens…) I'd successfully dressed the boys in my dad's clothes. Will was wearing khakis and a white undershirt with his own shoes. Man…he looked hot. I wasn't too into preppy myself but the white shirt – khaki look was gorgeous. I gave Jack a pair of jeans and my own oversized plaid button down shirt. Rachel put his hair in a ponytail and the end result was a sort of crazed hippie/lumberjack.

"Oh boy. It's your fantasy man, Rachel!" I joked. She shot me a 'I'll kill you for that!' look and backed away as Jack eyed her and slid a nimble hand around her waist…well, maybe a little lower than her waist.

"Jack. I'd just like to ask you something before we leave."

"Yes." Jack answered.

"I haven't even asked the question yet!" Rachel cried.

"I know. But ye were going to ask me if I'd sleep with ye. And well, a favor fer a friend," Jack said, reasoning with himself, "An' so I decided…yes. Yes, love. I'd be happy to give you that one night of unbridled passion."

"Jack, I was going to ask you if you prided yourself on your appearance, and if you feel stupid if you LOOK stupid."

"Oh. Well in that case, I do feel pride in the fact that I'm wildly handsome and that me clothes only enhance what's naturally there. So yes, I do feel like a bit of a wanker when I look…not up to my best."

"Oh good. Just checking." Rachel snickered, looking him up and down.

"Let's go before Jack realizes." I said, grabbing Will's hand and heading for the door.

"Before Jack realizes what?" Jack asked, smelling his underarms to find out if that was the culprit for all the talk. They must have smelled okay (to him) because he shrugged his shoulders. Not that okay was really okay by our standards.

"Nothing." I replied.

"B'fore Jack realizes what?" He cried, then remembered something, "Does tha' mean 'no' ta sleeping wit' me?"

Oh yes, it was gonna be a long day alright.

* * *

"Oh my god, I almost forgot shoes!" I gushed, dragged Will behind me. Rachel was pushing Jack while he gazed back at the various treats at the snack bar.

"Hot dogs! That, love, is just not right. How do ye shop at a store that serves dogs in the form of…er…man parts?"

"It's not really dog, Jack, it's…well…actually, I'm not quite sure myself."

"Rachel! Get yer arse over here!" I screamed back at her. She made it over to where Will and I were with some trouble due to the fact that the shoe aisle was around the corner from the lingerie aisle, and Jack became preoccupied. Finally, in a huff and with Jack drooling slightly at the red lace bra clutched firmly in his grasp she joined us.

"Ok, we're here. What's the emergency you felt the need to scream bloody hell at us for?" Rachel asked me while Will was trying to pull the bra away from Jack and shove it in an empty shoe box, and many scared red shirts were staring at us and moving away slowly.

"They don't have the gold shoes I wanted." I whined. I had been to Target a month prior and seen the cutest pair of gold ballet flats, which were now absent from the racks upon racks of cheap shoes. Don't you hate it when that happens?

"You're serious? That's the hurry! I promised Jack I'd buy him something if he moved his feet."

"Oh well, sorry!" I shrugged. Rachel took a step towards me, but just then two Barbie look-a-likes walked down the aisle and right in between us.

"I want them." Jack muttered under his breath.

"Jack you can't BUY those…well, actually, they are kind of ho-ish."

"I WANT THEM!" Jack roared this time. He began to do a little dance that looked like maybe he had to pee, but I was too afraid to look down to see if anything else was doing a little dance.

"Oh god." I threw up my hands and leaned back into Will.

"Ladies…" Jack nodded as soon as he noticed them eyeing him. I was surprised. I mean, yes, Jack is a handsome man, but I never thought that a blond and a brunette wearing mini skirts and strapless shirts would go for the deranged hippie standing in the woman's shoe aisle.

"Hi." The two bimbos chorused. One was so bleached and dyed her blond hair looked pure white, and she was wearing disgustingly bright pink lip gloss. The other was going for the bad chica look, tanned to the point of being caramel fake, with dark brown eyes and black hair. I noticed the distasteful placement of piercings in her belly button and left nostril.

"I couldn't help but notice ye giving me a sort o' look. Now I know tha' look well, and I know the meanin' ye were trying to…imply."

"Oh really. Well if I had known I'd meet a hunk in Target I would have dressed up a little more." The brunette winked.

"Which would be what, a leather skirt instead of polyester?" I asked. They glared at me.

"Anyways…our friend owns this club, and they're having a big rave tonight, and…well…" The dark haired floozie brought up, flirting coyly with Jack, behind black lashes. "We need dates." She reached into her purse, pushing past me, and took out two bright pink flyers. It was then that she handed one to Jack, and the blond turned her attention towards Will, my Will! She reached out to hand him the flyer…and got it snatched out of midair by a very angry ME.

"Excuse me. But you are assuming that both these men WANT to go with you. And while the answer is obviously 'yes' for Jack, Will here," I said, looking back at him and brushing the hair away from my eyes, "is taken. And unless you want there to be a girl fight right here in Target land, I suggest you check yourself 'fore you wreck yourself. Because if you want them, we come with the deal as well."

"Right." Will reinforced me with his arm possessively resting around my waist, where these days it seemed to be most of the time.

"Fine. You're all invited." Blondie said with a huff.

"Admission's free if you know the right people." The dark haired girl added, still looking at Jack with her intentions clear in her eyes. Definite ho. "Just mention our names. Abby…" She pointed to her friend, who was still making sneaky peeks at Will as though I couldn't see her, "And Elaina." She finished with a cat like grin. Jack's own smile widened.

"Fine." I echoed, throwing a lewd gesture their way when they turned their backs and walked off.

"Nice!" Rachel cried pushing Jack out of the way to high-five me. "Party invites!" I smiled and led Will out into the center aisle. Now all I had to do was make him look hot for tonight, which frankly, shouldn't be too hard.


	6. Uh Oh and Learning How to Freak

Disclaimer: Don't own Jack or Will or Vicki. Or probably myself. But these ideas our all us baby, so no stealing (wink, wink) ya know what I mean. On a more serious note, I would like to say sorry once again to my co-writer. She knows what for. Okay, here's one of my very long chapters, two more to come.

* * *

"I can't believe it." I exclaimed disgustedly tossing aside a magazine, for the thousandth time, "One day out and they've already been invited to the hippest club in town…"

"We were invited too." Vicki reminded me from Will's lap.

"Only because your man insisted. If it had been up to Sparrow he would have picked up all those women he met in the lingerie section."

Jack grinned recklessly, "Was tha' a bad idea, lass. It made perfect sense ta me at the time."

"Oh grow up." I sneered, knowing he was still trying to get my goat over the memorable towel incident in cruel and unusual ways (even for him), "We have bigger problems on our hands."

"The demon monkey?" Will volunteered.

"Goin' home?" Jack leaned forward hopefully in his seat.

"Think bigger."

"Aha, I 'ave it! Where's all the rum gone?" Jack tried again failing miserably.

"Jack drank it all." Will whispered behind his hand confidentially.

"We already knew that." Vicki admitted.

"There really wasn't any doubt he was the culprit, was there?" I asked.

"Whatever it'is ye be wantin' ta say, lass, could ye hurry it up? Yer borin' me ta tears. I've better things ta do with me time than listen ta yeh prattle on." Jack interjected rudely.

"Bob the Builder doesn't come on until three, Jack." Vicki told him. He slumped in his seat at this reply, having discovered the show only yesterday, and found it to be quite hilarious.

"The big problem," I readdressed all those assembled, "is what are we going to wear?"

"Oh, Jesus," Jack expelled in a rush of air from his lungs showing his irritation, "yer a nice chap an' all but why did yeh put me in this 'ell with this curse o' a wench? Why not Singapore four years ago?" Jack asked of the ceiling dramatically as if the almighty was indeed residing in Vicki's attic. "Tha' was a good time ta be a pirate, remember?"

"Spare us the sob stories, Sparrow. We don't care." I sneered.

"I've got the perfect shirt for you." Vicki informed Will gaily, ignoring all else in the room.

"Wha'?" Sparrow posed, "No clothes for litt'l ol' Jack?"

I shrugged my shoulders refusing to be baited, "What's the point? You'll just end up taking them off before the end of the night."

"Yeh seem pretty sure o' yerself, lass. I wouldn't let yeh near me with a ten foot pole, least of all near enough ta remove me blouse."

"I wasn't including myself in your perverted plans of bliss for this evening. I have plans of my own for tonight, Sparrow, and the best thing about them is that they have nothing WHATSOEVER to do with you!" I sputtered at his put down, "NOTHING!"

Well that seemed to likewise hit a nerve with Jack, because he replied snidely, "I don't bloody care wha' ye do, lass, because me…I'm getting' pissed drunk an' who know wha' I migh' do."

Yeah! Well…well what? I thought up a lie quick.

"Well, I'm going to stick my tongue down ten guys throats!" I exclaimed trying to beat him, although my own announcement shocked even me. I'd WHAT?

Not being one to take even something less than that lying down, Sparrow spat, "Well, I'm goin' ta fondle fifty lasses!"

"Well, I'm gonna have wild, rough…animal sex…WITH A PERFECT STRANGER! BEAT THAT!" I crowed triumphantly.

Jack's face turned a ruddy color and screwed up in a look of intense anger. I waited smugly for his return serve.

"Well…I'M goin' ta 'ave frantic, dangerous FORNICATIONS with TWELVE perfect strangers….ALL AT THE SAME TIME! HAH!"

My mouth sought to work for a moment or two. And then I went cold. I replied icily enough to save what was left of my dignity, "That must get to be old hat, doing the same thing every night. Do what you fucking want. I've washed my hands of you." I said turning away and making my way up Vicki's stairs to change.

"I wish you guys would just kiss and make up already, anymore fights and I'm going to get one hell of a migraine." Vicki muttered.

"Never!" Jack shouted.

"Not in a million years!" I brandied back, turning at the top of the stairs bent on ending this stupid thing one way or another, with me having the last word…preferably.

"Not if ye were the last WENCH on Earth!"

"Not if you were the last HUMAN on Earth!"

"I'd pick stingy ol' stick in the mud COMMODORE Norrington before ye!"

"Oh is that so? Well, I'd pick traitorous, murderous, mutinous CORPSE Barbossa before you!"

"Ye sickenin' SHREW!"

"Satin Jacketed ASSHOLE!" Hey, I was getting the hang of this…

"Yeh cheap, cheatin' CHIT!"

"You philandering FATASS!"

"Come on," Vicki said calmly, pulling Will to his feet, "I'll show you what you can wear tonight."

"What about…?" Will indicated our growing fight with amusement at our disturbingly descriptive insults and alarm at the increasing possibility of a fisticuff match.

Vicki waved a hand dismissively, "They'll be at it for hours."

They pushed past us on their way upstairs, ignoring the heated things being shot from point of the stairs to another.

"BANANNA MONGER!" I screeched.

"BUGGER BRIDGETTE!"

"Yeah, well…you can just take your PRECIOUS PEARL and SHOVE IT, Bucko!"

"Ye leave me Pearl out o' this, yeh ill tempered bitch!" He pointed a threatening finger in my direction.

"Call me a bitch, will ya? Well, poo all OVER your busted ass SAILBOAT…AND YOU!"

* * *

Jack and I kept our distance from one another for the rest of the early evening as I was ritually primping myself, and he most likely was ritually drowning himself in spirits, yet again. Quel shock.

Vicki was already dressed in some classy jeans, a pair of turquoise strappy sandals, and matching top with a plunging neckline and open back. An outfit that suited her skin, form, and set off the drastic darkness of her hair, while promoting the almost azure green of her eyes. A light dabbing of glitter was spread over her shoulders. As she would say it was "SPARWKILY!" Will's tongue had nearly rolled out of his head when she had emerged from her room in such startling attire. She was helping him get dressed now…in the bathroom…alone. Will either wanted to be jumped and eaten alive or he really was a simpleton (which I had not doubt of; Vicki and I both agreed some point prior to this that Will probably didn't even know the correct definition of 'ravage.')

Smacking my lips together after applying a nude shade of lip-gloss, I winked at my reflection, snatched up my purse, and shrugged on my shin length coat. Vicki might have been able to pull off the natural goddess look but I had to work at it, so I was the last one out.

"Alright, let's get this show on the ro-whoah…" I stopped short on the stairs, looking down on the gathered party there.

Vicki was as she had been when I had last seen her hours before, but the men had undergone a transformation, a metamorphosis if you will. Will's appearance was drastically altered by the addition of a black T-shirt, claiming "Mine", to the pair of jeans we had bought him earlier today.

Jack could have passed off as Johnny Depp in his jeans, boots, and white sleeveless T, which hid under a long sleeved brown button down shirt, if it hadn't have been for the sharp quality of experience behind his eyes. Now, I know everyone thinks, "But Johnny Depp is Jack Sparrow!" but you're all dead wrong.

Jack does resemble Johnny D with accuracy, this is true. But the true nature of Jack uttered no cry near to Mr. Depp. It was something I forgot occasionally; Sparrow might have been given a certain life by an actor, but he was more than any predetermined action or line. Much more, and he would always, always be a pirate. There was no breaking character with this man.

"Pick up yer feet, gel. The night awaits…" Jack sent up the stairs to me. I could almost imagine for a moment that he might have been waiting specifically for me, but a jarring beep of a car horn dispelled the very insinuation from my mind. Those easy prep sluts were waiting impatiently outside. Those were the real reasons Sparrow was desperate to claim the night.

"…as do our foine female companions. Let's not keep them waitin'."

Vicki sent me a pitying glance as Sparrow bounded out the door and down the steps to throw himself into the car. I ignored it. I didn't need pity. I needed a shot gun to set Sparrow right, and a shovel to destroy any evidence of having done so.

"You look very lovely, Miss Rachel." Will intoned politely as I descended the stairs, trying to keep my mind from other things. It was a kind gesture from him, one that only soured my already curdling mood, but I forced myself to smile.

"Thanks."

"She looks like a damn ho-bag under that coat." Vicki said frankly, pulling back the coat, I covered myself quickly.

"Not quite the words of I was thinking of, Victoria, but correctly potent none the less." He added coughing back a chuckle.

My thanks came more dryly that time. "Come on, let's get this over with."

"Forget him, Rachel." Vicki said taking my arm and marching me to the door and down the steps, leaving Will to lock up behind us. "There are lots of guys galore in the world. Who needs one lousy, good for nothing, Captain Sparrow?"

Will jogged over taking his place beside her, and led her gently into the car. I followed reluctantly.

"Only a masochist would need that." I agreed sliding in.

* * *

I emerged from the vehicle like a drowning woman, gasping for air. Goram! And I thought Sparrow had used his charms on me in the old days. That man could lay it on thick, make no mistake, and he had emptied his whole jar of charisma into that car.

Vicki and Will scuttled out quickly as well, in an effort to put a continent between them and the heaving air of Sparrow's attempts and successes at winning over our chauferer's hearts…and hormones.

Speaking of which…here came the merry band now…Sparrow's arms around each twig like waist. Laughing, joking, teasing…nuzzling…groping…Ack! Ack! Gag me!

"Fuckin' A…" Vicki muttered, sidling up to me, "We're not even in the club yet…"

I clenched my coat closer around me, as she drifted back to join Will. What did I care if Sparrow did certain unmentionable things (that shall remain unmentioned)? It was his life. What was I, his mother? No. It was as simple as that. Jack was his own man, free to do what he wanted…like slapping the brunette's backside, earning a giggling shriek in response.

My ears burned as my confident stride stalled at the sound.

"Ye alrigh' there, love?"

I didn't turn because I had a sneaking suspicion he knew just how uncomfortable his sexual misdemeanors made me feel, and that was a satisfaction that I was not giving him tonight.

"Never been better!" I threw ecstatically over my shoulder, knowing my voice would cover the lie, where my features could not.

"Glad ta 'ear it. Shall we then?"

I gestured for him to swerve around me and move ahead, his leggy cargo with him.

"Much obliged." He murmured, a cat like grin twitching the corners of his mouth.

"Anytime." I muttered, flinging a pesky windblown bit of my hair out of my face.

Vicki hurried up to me, Will lingering an appropriate number of steps behind us. The good ol' boy seemed to understand the limits of the best friend conversation zone. Now, I ask you, why hadn't I fallen for Turner, instead? He was a good clean suitor of the non bastard variety.

Vicki shared a sweet comforting smile with a with a shrug of her shoulders to show, I should just blow the whole thing off and have fun when a steel like whisper from ahead of us reached my ears.

"You went out with HER?" The brunette hissed scandalized at something Sparrow had whispered to her.

"Aye. Twas' terrible…"

She glanced over her shoulder at me, disgusted, and then turned back to him, "Did you lose a bet or something?"

Sparrow merely let out a hearty laugh at that.

I was just about to throw myself at the girl and cripple her with a fatal kick of my heels, when something distracted me.

An electric blue wad sailed past my right eye, nearly hitting me in the ear but instead stuck efficiently in the brunette's hair, who put a hand to it. A scream rent the air as she discovered the bubbliest piece of Bubblish Bubble Gum embedded in her perfect locks.

I swung an amazed gaze at Vicki.

"Damn." She growled, no sign of regret in either her tone or features, "I was aiming for Jack's dreads. Sorry I missed."

I held back a giggle, "No, no. I think you hit the mark."

"That bitch!" The older/brunette hissed fingering her once glorious hair, now reduced to a gummy mess. She turned and made as if to move toward a confrontation with Vicki.

And suddenly Will was there, pinning her with a cold glare. It didn't even sound like Will when he spoke. He sounded…intimidating…and that was fucking scary. His voice was controlled but hard.

"It would be wise if you didn't take that next step, milady…"

Sparrow darted brief glances to and fro, as if this could get interesting.

"I can handle her, Will…" Vicki assured him, rolling up non-existent sleeves.

The brunette hesitated.

"Turn around and walk way." Will growled, "Now…"

"Come along, love…" Jack said, wrapping an arm around her again. "The eunuch is small but 'e's fierce. Best ta do as 'e says."

With a withering glance and a flick of hair that was somewhat dulled by the gum blob, she consented and walked into the club with Sparrow.

Will relaxed his muscles.

"Should've just hit her." I commented.

"I totally could have taken her, Will."

"I know that, Victoria." Will turned, "But murder would do nothing to improve the evening."

I looked after the direction the others had disappeared to, "I doubt anything could improve the evening." I muttered dejectedly.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Miss Rachel." Will gallantly offered out an arm, as Vicki took his other one gently, "Would you allow a Blacksmith to escort you inside?"

Wishing it was someone else's arm I accepted, "I'd be honored."

You know if you walk in a over 21 club with an Orlando Bloom look alike they don't ask for I.D.?

Life was pretty sweet, all things considered.

* * *

"Honestly, I'll be fine! You guys go and rock it. I'll just hang out here." I said tapping the bar fondly and assuring Vicki and Will for the hundredth time so far that night, that I would kick it by myself should they want to dance.

We had lost Sparrow in the throng of writhing, contorting bodies of the dance floor. Dragged under, with no resistance, the moment he sauntered in the door. He had yet to resurface.

I had removed my jacket to reveal my outfit finally because of the heat.

"If only Jack had waited long enough to take a hit." Vicki remarked at the dress unveiling, "You know he would be nowhere near those other girls, if you had let him see you." She reminded me.

"He could see me anytime he wanted,' I murmured, fingering the short hem of the little black number, "but he'd rather drool over someone else. I don't care."

"Do you actually believe yourself when you say stuff like that?" Vicki posed.

"Yes." I muttered.

"Rachel…"

"I DON'T CARE. Now go dance, you morons…"

"Rachel?" A new voice entered the scene.

I turned at the call and my heart jumped into my throat as I spat out the water I had just taken a tentative sip of. I choked on my words as they piled up in my mouth, but only his name made it through.

"Ben?"

He nodded his head and strode over. Huge grin reminding me of…everything I had felt for him before. I remembered he was tall, broad chested, a bear of a boy. His scraggly brown hair was the same as when I last saw it, and his goatee finally fit him now.

Quickly putting my glass down I met him halfway. I felt shock lace through me like an electrical voltage. It had been years.

"My god, it's been an age!" I exclaimed enveloping him in a hug. His hands made butterflies fly wild in my middle. I shouldn't have been surprised; after all he had been the first…my first. The first guy who hadn't been a storybook character or movie star that had made me exuberantly happy to see or be near.

Five years before I had ever heard the name Captain Jack Sparrow.

We pulled back, but he kept one of my hands in his.

"I know. It's so good to see you again after all this time. I didn't think I'd see you again."

That open smile! I had forgotten…

"Me either." I admitted still bowled over, "This is just…wild!"

A cough interrupted us. I turned and recognized Vicki. I had completely forgotten we had an audience.

"Who is this?" She asked in an 'ooh-la-la' tone.

"God, I'm such a spaz." I groaned, turning to introduce them. "Ben this is Vicki and her…friend Will. Vicki, Will…this is Ben."

"No last name?" Vicki inquired.

"If you can believe it, I never asked him for it." I chuckled, "Ben went to our middle school, Vicki and moved about after two quarters. We were kinda…"

"An item." Ben offered up. "It's nice to meet you both."

Vicki gave him her hand and shook it strongly, "You mean you guys went out?"

"No, no…but we did cause a lot of talk…" Ben replied suppressing a smile.

"Outrageous flirting, mostly." I confided to her.

Will took his hand next. It was a friendly but guarded shake. Will looked at me as he made his judgment on Ben.

"You'd best keep him away from Jack if you want any peace tonight, Miss Rachel."

"If Sparrow gives you any lip, tell him to get bent." I snapped, fed up with being unhappy. I was young, and I was moderately pretty, and right now I wanted to dance.

I remembered the first time I had ever met Ben. First day of school and I had pledged an oath I would be more outgoing that year. Everyone was sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the teachers to direct us to our classes as our schedules were screwed up. The girls next to me had been whispering about the hottie behind us. I had caught a peek of him, and I knew they weren't lying. I made up my mind then and made a fearless decision. I swung around in my seat. I think I surprised him. The look on his face had been priceless.

"Hi." I had stuck out my hand, "I'm Rachel."

And he had smiled offering his own hand.

"Ben."

And the rest as they say, is history. A short lived history, but a well remembered one.

As I looked on him I felt the bravery of that year attack my sensibilities.

"Hey, Ben?"

"Yeah?"

I grinned, "Wanna dance?"

He was already pulling on my hand, luring me onto the dance floor where Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" was playing.

It was so good to be with him again. It felt so good. I had missed him so much.

This was real. HE was real. Sparrow was just a caricature of someone; he was one dimensional and utterly predictable. I didn't need another obsession now, what I needed was a boyfriend. A true blue boyfriend. And Ben was the perfect candidate. First love's never really leave.

As luck would have it, the song changed to Beyonce's "Naughty Girl." Let it be known I am your typical white girl, so I can't dance…obviously; however there is one type of song I can get my funk on with. Harem seduction dances. It's all in the hips. Hips to hypnotize. I've surprised many a guy with this transformation from goody girl to daring sex pot.

So when the song started up, what else was I supposed to do? I turned up the game. The song had just about drawn to a close when I spotted Sparrow a few feet away staring at me.

I was stupid. I was so elated with seeing an old flame, I forgot just who Sparrow really was. I told you I pushed it from my mind frequently, but Sparrow was a pirate. Through and through. And I should have taken that into account before I waved him over to meet my old crush.

Staring stonily, he made his way toward us with such a controlled black calm; I should have known right away something was wrong. But as I said before, I'm stupid, and I waved him closer still.

"Hey, Jack!"

It was only when he was about two feet away I dimly realized, 'Shit…this is going to be bad."

* * *

(JACK'S POV)

"I swear on me honor I'll be back soon enough, me lovelies. Just off ta get meself a drink…" Jack promised the lasses, "Meanwhile, enjoy yerselves…" He grinned wildly.

"Alright." The dark haired lass cooed. Wha' was 'er name? Elaine…Elaina…Daniella…somethin' like tha'. It had flown from his mind already. "Hurry back."

"Don't keep us waiting," the other one husked, "and bring your gorgeous friend with you."

Chuckling, Jack sidled up to the bar, ordering a healthy round of beverages. He kept his eyes on the girls. Enjoy themselves, they were. The sight of both of their limber assets entwining…sweet sirens, it was enough ta make a man give up Rum! He took a long swig of liquor. Not quite.

Suddenly the Fraser gel and the lad were at his elbow. The gel followed his line of sight.

"The girls showing you a good time, Jack?" She asked, a rather sneaky tone sliding in among the question.

"As a matta o' fact, they are." He replied steadily. No doubt she was about ta prattle on about his cruel treatment of 'er infuriatin' mate. But to his astonishment she made no statements of the kind which immediately set him on edge and incurred his suspicion as to why.

"Where is the distressin' crone?" He inquired glancing about. He hadn't seen head or tail of the annoying chit since they had entered the dance hall. If he were truthful with himself, and being a pirate such a thing bein' against the rules, he would admit he had not really sought her out. " 'as she been whinin', 'eartbroken because I won't dance wit'er?"

"Actually no, Jack…" He felt the stomach dropping sensation grow inside him at her words, "she seems to be handling it all pretty well, considering. She ran into an old friend." She nodded off to her left.

Jack followed her gaze. At first he couldn't spot what she was indicating to, but then there was a slip of black that caught his eyes. It flittered through the moving shapes of dancing couples, and he narrowed his eyes to slits trying to catch it. A familiar laugh sounded. A laugh he knew all too well. The same one he had heard a thousand times before, on his ship, in Port Royal, in the face of danger or when he did something incredibly stupid or endearing…It was his laugh. The laugh she saved for him. Why was the wench usin' it now?

His eyes locked on his elusive target, and he nearly dropped the bottle of ale in his hand, instead he grasped at it with a shattering hold as he realized the bewitching vixen he was gazing after was his bonny lass.

Prayers to the old gods, he should 'ave demanded her to remove 'er jacket before they had left the house. Should 'ave ripped it off 'er frame. If he 'ad, he would never have let her out of the door looking…looking so tempting…

The dress, he assumed it was a dress but he had his doubts, was enough (though hardly enough in some ways) ta still a pirate's breath in 'is lungs. It was black. Black, like the pirate flag, a black rag that reached to her lower thighs; cut in a stylishly torn fabric, allowing more skin of her legs to peek through the ripped folds. A matching bodice, thoroughly laced, accented her overly generous curves. There were no sleeves to this satanic piece of sinful cloth, but a bit of it encircled her neck, tapering off to cover one shoulder, baring her pale other shoulder to the spinning lights. And then there were the shoes…they were weapons unto themselves. Ankle like things that laced up, and sharp enough to spill a man's blood from 'is throat.

Jack found himself drinking her in, even at this distance. Her hair was hanging down her back in loose waves, wild and untamed. Her full lips glistened nudely in the shadows; there was kohl on the bottom lids of her eyes giving her a look of smug satisfaction…as if she were fulfilled. And the blush staining her cheeks was not applied…but invoked. Someone had made her face burn. Over all the lass looked like she had just been taken inta a dark corner an' had been right and properly ravaged…but not by him.

HE wasn't grasping the swell of her hips to guide her closer. HIS fingers weren't brushing against the dress, hiking it higher. HE wasn't whispering words against her tilted neck. And why WASN'T he? Because HE had been REPLACED by a BOY. A mere boy.

She was dancing with the broad shouldered youth, making movements enough ta cause a priest ta drop a bible…more than once. A scourging fire burned Jack's blood making him see dancing black spots and then a violent red infiltrated his line of sight, leaving him momentarily blinded. His teeth ground together, earning him a sharp glance from the Fraser gel at his side. He could 'ave sworn he felt more than saw the wench smirk, but he paid it no notice. He had his own lass to deal with.

She was not supposed to dance like that ever! And never with anyone besides him. She was not allowed to…He was unable to voice in words the extent of his outrage at this display. He heard her laugh again, and he went deaf and numb in his fury. That laugh. HIS laugh was bein' used on a scrawny pup o' a boy. He wouldn't stand for this…

Slamming his bottle on the table top, he strode into the confusing mass of weaving bodies to throttle the gel…an' the know-nothin' boy who had taken 'is rightful place. He dimly heard the Turner boy shout something at his back, but continued on regardless, harshly pushing people out of his path; his mind bent on only one thing.

Pain.

A world o' pain.

* * *

(VICKI'S POV written by Rachel)

"Do try to control yourself, Jack. He is just a boy after all." Will called after Jack's retreating fuming figure. "Try not to harm him too much."

" 'Bout damn time…" Vicki muttered. She turned grinning wildly to Will's earnest face, "Hey, you wanna learn how to freak, Will?"

"Freak, Victoria?" He asked brow quirking up in a question.

"Love to!" She cried eagerly, pulling him to his feet. "It's really easy, all you have to do is…can we help you?"

Little Miss Blond and Brunette were mucking up the proceedings.

"Where's Jack?" The brunette asked, while the light haired doe eyed one ogled Will.

"Oh, he's probably off doing his girlfriend in the bathroom."

"What! Who? Why!"

"What: Bathroom screwing. Who: his girlfriend, my friend, your enemy, Rachel. And who can say why but I bet the ultimate reason is because they've got this whole sexual tension thing and it's been ready to burst like a piñata for days now."

Vicki took a huge breath and continued while she kept a close eye on the blond who was inching nearer to Will.

"And speaking of tensions. There's some I want to clear up just between us girls…" at that she pulled back and dealt a blow right to the brunette's nose, "That's for being a whore!" She then turned and shielded Will as she hit the blond square in the jaw, "And that's for being stupid…and I don't like your dress!"

Stepping lightly over the prone and beaten bodies of the false faced beauties, she tugged a stupefied but impressed Will behind her.

"Now where was I? Oh yes…you just back it up…put your back into it…" Vicki sang in a low voice as she pulled Will closer.

Who would've thought William Turner could freak up a storm?

* * *

Just a little note to bear in mind, all the insults Jack and I exchange came from Vicki's mind. So worship her genius. Bow down before her might...and...um...review!


	7. Had that one coming

Disclaimer: Very long chapter and very racy scene. And I mean racy, people, so…if you don't like steam don't get in the sauna. Okay, shiny, let's do this thingy.

* * *

(JACK'S POV)

If he would 'ave thought such a thing possible, he would have said the Devil's own temper was fueling his hard strides and thundering heartbeat as he neared to the lass.

It wasn't that he was jealous…No, this was pure unbridled rage. The gel was his! Had been for some time now, even if he laxed in his attentions from time to time. All the same, she still belonged to HIM, was still HIS. And god help anyone who took it upon themselves to touch her! She was still his.

And then there she was, but a few feet off. Her movements were serpent like and dangerous in an indefinably seductive way, as her body swayed delectably, one with the haunting melody that filled the hall. He was almost unsure that this sensual coquette was even someone he knew, let alone his bonny lass.

But there could be no doubt that it was she, the minx, as she turned and caught sight of him, her lips parted in surprise…as a smile suddenly broke across her face.

"Hey, Jack!" She exclaimed, waving him closer.

Prowling nearer, he never took his eyes off the boy by her side. The cheeky litt'l bugger 'ad 'is 'ands all over 'er. His arm was wrapped around her waist, fingers stroking the piece of fabric where the over bodice and dress met. A dull ringing shrilled in the pirate's ears as he finally found himself next to the merry couple.

The lass's expectant grin fell as she noticed the look of malcontent he was shooting at the lad, "Jack?" She peered at him unsure, "Ben this is Jack. Jack, Ben. Ben was an old friend of mine, Jack. We went to school together."

Friend? He'd give them "Friend". The boy extended his hand but Jack was in no mood for polite exchanges. Not now. Not when the fiend was drooling all over her.

The lad, irked by Jack's unresponsive nature, lowered his hand in defeat and made the worst mistake o' his entire life. He pulled the lass closer to him.

"So…Jack, is there anything we can do for you?"

Oh the litt'l lad 'ad some bollocks…

Jack ushered the words coldly to the boy, barely maintaining his reign of control, so as ta make it perfectly clear, "Ye can get yer fuckin' 'ands off me gel, before ye force me ta painfully incapacitate yer face, savvy?"

The lass's features twisted into a look of contempt, and Jack could just envision the heated things which she'd burn his ear off for 'aving said that. She took a step away from the young man looking mad enough to send any wise man running. But the boy spoke up again, doing the second foolish thing he'd done the entire night within the span of a minute.

"She doesn't BELONG to anybody." The boy, Ben spoke with conviction, pushing Jack back with a few fingers, "Now, if you're through…we were dancing…"

"You heard him, Sparrow," The lass echoed, "We…OH MY GOD!"

The scream ripped through him. She needn't have bothered with such an exclamation as the boy was on his arse sporting a bloody nose before he'd ever finished his sentence.

"WHAT do you THINK you're DOING!" The lass was pulling at his arm, to pull him away from hurting the lad further.

Jack shook his fist, dispelling the slight ache he always received from doling out such a blow, and watched her with narrowed eyes as she scampered to the boy's side, checking his pulse.

He was out cold.

Her face titled up to his, her mouth open in that irritating, annoying, utterly bewitching fashion he had grown so accustomed to.

"Have you totally and completely LOST your MIND?" She asked forcefully, the timber of her voice vibrating with anger.

Jack simply stood there as the red gradually cleared from his vision.

With a huff of disgust, she rose to her feet, snatching up her purse and jacket, "That's it. I've had just about enough of you, Sparrow. Now, I have to go get a bouncer to help him up. Just stay away from me, Sparrow…I…HEY! Hey, what are you doing? Let go of me! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU RETARDED BUCANEER! Get off! Get the freak off…"

Herding her firmly into a darkened, secluded corridor near the lavatories he tossed her unceremoniously against a neighboring.

"OW! YOU BASTARD!" She shouted, little hand swinging to catch him on the right shoulder, sending him back a step, "You complete bastard! Why did you hit him!" She spat.

"Why were ye dancin' like tha'!" He rounded on her, snarling.

"Not that it's any of your business, but because I FELT like it, jackass! Now, why did you hit him?"

"He touched me." Jack growled, his eyes smoldering into the walls. To hell with her if she thought he would admit to jealousy.

"That's no excuse!" The lass argued back fervently, taking a furious step forward. Toward him. Not a good idea, Jack admitted to himself. He was in a black mood and a foul disposition on top of that. The gel was doing something very dangerous indeed.

"Do you hear me?" She repeated loudly, "It's no excu…"

"He touched ye!" He roared, seizing her shoulders in a savage, bone crushing grip, "The Devil damn 'im, he touched ye!"

He released her just as suddenly, and she staggered back in shock, her back hitting the wall. The lass actually had the decency to look speechless. She redirected her gaze, almost as if she were hesitant to look at him. He hadn't seen her this flustered since the day he had first kissed her…on that bloody island. God help her if she blushed now…he would not be held responsible.

Her fidgety, nervous fingers sought to tuck a wayward strand behind her ear to no avail. A desperately charming motion, Jack found his eyes hypnotized by her hands as they dallied anxiously around the base of her neck in distress.

"So he touched me…it was harmless, Jack…" She stuttered.

Jack's brow rose in minute fascination. Had he actually succeeded in makin' the poor child go dumb?

It seemed like it until the lass heard herself speak. Squinting her eyes as if confused, she violently shook herself out of it.

"Wait one collar-pickin' minute, chump!" She started, snapping back into her usual disagreeable manner, "If I let someone touch me it is my own goddamn business…It's no concern of yours if I decide to get jiggy with it on the dance floor with a member of the opposite sex (if I so choose.) Or to make it in the little girl's room…!"

He didn't want to hear this, hear these things from her, his pride already affronted from the knowledge that she had other men already waiting on her list. She was supposed to be madly in love with HIM, damn it…he would have settled for wild with lust but…Blood o' the Charted Stars…! If he had to stand here and listen to all her fantasized exploits with other men (usually something he would have twisted to suit his own purposes) he could very possibly end up hurting her.

"If I want to give a guy a lap dance with nothing on but my skimpys," She railed at him, "that still doesn't give you doesn't give you the right to do what you did!"

Jack tried to calm his pulse through will of mind.

"You can't do things like that, Sparrow! You just can't!"

His fingers were digging into his palm as his fists uncontrollably curled at his sides. He really should stop her before she ended up makin' 'im do something they would both regret.

"So listen up and get this into your warped medieval mind frame: I…A…NOT…YOUR…PROPERTY. You can't control me. You CAN'T!"

The reign of his well maintained control slipped at those words.

"The bloody hell I can't!" He bellowed vehemently.

It was only after a stinging slap had landed the side of his face, did he realize he had pinned the gel harshly to the wall. He hadn't even been aware of having moved. An' bollocks his cheek smarted! She 'ad slapped 'im, the crazy wench! He would strangle her with his bare hands..!

"Get a grip…" She uttered coldly.

Strangle 'er!

"…and get off me, Sparrow…"

Strangle the infuriating shrew!

"…I don't need you to play Dad just because I don't have one."

Oddly enough his hands wanted to do something entirely different than wrapping around that lithe neck of hers. He made up his mind then.

"Trust me, lass…platonic fatherly inclinations are the farthest from me mind righ' now…"

It had come to this then. It was not in his nature to deny what was so desiringly in front of him. She had said too much, done too much, and had pushed him too far this time, and if she tried to put a halt to the proceedings she would have to use his own pistol against him. He had reached the end of his patience. He was tired of waiting.

* * *

(RACHEL'S POV)

Shit! My hand hurt!

I had slapped him!

And not a friendly sharp tap either, no sir, I mean really slapped him! I had actually put muster into it. Oooooh, Jack was going to STRANGLE me! I mean you don't just pull back with all your might and go, "POW, FUCKA!" to Jack. It just isn't done. Unless your name happened to be Rachel and you were standing where I was right now.

I should have been cringing in horror at what I had just done, but my mind just kept going back to that moment, that pivotal moment, when Jack had pulled back and punched Ben. I had had one chance, COUNT 'EM: ONE, at normality, at a chance of…HELL…a REAL date, and then Sparrow's fist had ruined any hope of that for me. So all I had left in me to feel was anger. No fear at all, just anger.

"Get a grip…"

Whoah, did those words just come out of my mouth?

"…and get off me, Sparrow…"

It was like…like watching a beautiful, horrible head on collision, or a train wreck. I was speaking without thinking and I knew it, but somehow…I couldn't stop. I couldn't seem to find the brakes, and I was plowing ahead with no regard for whose pride I might hurt. And even though I knew it was happening, I still couldn't stop. I don't think I wanted to.

I knew why I was saying all this, the emotions behind the words, the reasoning; I was humiliated by Jack's earlier display, disheartened by his wandering affections, furious with his possession over me, and perplexed to tears by my inability to let him go even when I knew he was not what I needed. Not what a nice girl like me needed to fall in love with. And I had been doing well, but then…then…!

He pulled this on me! Pulled me back in! It wasn't fair and I wasn't going to have it anymore. No way, no how.

And that was what I was trying to convey to him in this one sentence. I wanted…no, NEEDED to say these things…and he needed to hear them just as badly.

"…I don't need you to play Dad just because I don't have one."

My voice had almost cracked under the strain of such an evil retort, but I pushed it out with conviction despite it and it didn't waver.

And then…I don't know how to properly describe it but…a terrifying calm seemed to replace his frustration in every bone…and he went still…an unearthly stillness that should have warned me…

"Trust me, lass…platonic fatherly inclination are the farthest from me mind righ' now…"

And just like that I knew I had gone past some boundary. I was on dangerous territory. There was no tone of playfulness to his speech. No merry twinkle to promise laughter at the insinuation, no; just the dilated swelling darkness of his eyes to tell me he was not playing games. He was as serious as a heart attack.

I pushed on, determined not to give an inch just because I was starting to feel vaguely uneasy.

"Use those inclinations on the brunette, Sparrow. I'm out." I moved forward to push past him, but he followed quickly step for step (like he had fighting swords with Turner in the first movie) and I found him blocking me.

"Move." I ordered, becoming increasingly more nervous, but trying not to show it.

The expanding black seemed to fill up his eyes until nothing familiar peeked through. Whatever this was, it was a part of Jack I had never witnessed or been exposed to in my time with him.

I moved to the right this time, my own personal blockade was there to intercept my departure.

I had never been truly frightened of Sparrow, not really. But now…I shivered as a chill of alarm trailed over my shoulders…now I was, and I knew what I had to do.

Gazing down on him fiercely, I stuck out my chin determinedly and…I ran.

I ducked through the swinging door into the girl's room that had been behind me the entire time.

Sanctuary…

Cowardly, but safe, none the less.

Two pretty girls looked up as I entered flustered, lipsticks half applying their wonders to their faces.

I dimly remember hearing the door swing open and shut behind me. The two girls began to whisper excitedly behind their hands, giggling.

Wincing and groaning internally, I glanced back sharply to conclude that my suspicions had been all too correct.

Jack had followed me in. He had walked full tilt into a ladies room, despite the more than obvious female warning (a stick person with skirt) on the door.

He took no notice of the fawning females ( who had obviously mistaken him for Depp, not that hard to do, but let me tell you JD would never be caught dead in a bathroom with me that's for gorram sure, I mean think about it logically… where is Vanessa Pardis, use your minds girls! Strive to be smart! It's not Johnny Depp. So stop giggling and call a bouncer to get him out of here! Such were my thought at the time)….Let's start over…He took no notice of the fawning females except to husk one word very plainly:

"Out."

Smiles dropping from their faces they collected their things. Whatever feeling was emitting from the pirate before me, they must have gotten some signal from it as well, because with no complaint or loud protests they hurried from the vicinity, make-up completion half achieved.

I realized then for the second time that week, I was trapped alone with Sparrow in a bathroom.

I couldn't move and even if I could, where would I go? I wouldn't ever be fast or strong enough to elude Jack. I couldn't move, and I couldn't leave…so I stood ridgedly as I waited for him to say something, do something.

I waited so long my heart almost gave out as he began an intimidating gait toward me, and each step sent me shaking. I had to lock my knees together to keep from crumbling to the floor, in a mindless, helpless heap.

The situation had spun completely out of my control. One moment I had been absolutely adamant and strong, the next I had lost my footing. How? How? Where had I slipped…This situation was so beyond me, beyond what I was capable of handling, what I was prepared for, what I was expecting…

He came to stand directly in front of me. And did nothing. He just STOOD there…and was alive…was there…just WAS. All he did was convert oxygen to carbon dioxide and it was enough to unravel me. I couldn't take this. I knew I couldn't.

The anxiety driving the insanity in my nervous system, little by little calmed, when all he would do is stand and stare.

I reluctantly let my guard drop.

At exactly the wrong moment.

I couldn't help but gasp in surprise as he ripped my jacket (which I was clutching desperately) from my hands and tossed it on the floor.

I only made it half a step back before his hand flashed out, grabbed my arm tightly and tugged me sharply, bringing me hard against him; the other arm snaking crushingly around my waist (something I hadn't really thought possible) and then he was kissing me before I could give a shout.

I had been kissed before. Jack had kissed me before, but not like this. Never like this…

This was different. He wasn't giving me a chance to refuse, to breathe. It was like nothing I had ever experienced…smothering and…and…I couldn't put a name to it. I pulled back long enough to let out a strangled, "Sparrow…" before he brought the hand that had seized my arm, and wrapped it bruisingly around my neck; cradling it at the exact point where it met the bone of my skull, the rough pads of his fingers burying into my hair and massaging me into a Como stasis. I think I might have made some other noise. I can't remember what it was though.

I wasn't until my lower back hit the sink counter, that I realized Jack had steered my in that direction. The jolt broke us apart with a grunt, lip wise…hip region…he still had me pressed entirely too close. Both hands now gripped my waist in a very dominating way, as Sparrow began to suck greedily on the area directly to the right and below my chin. My head had tilted back without my will of moving it so.

I had to think. I had to think before this went too far. It had already gone further than it should have.

"…Sp…Sparrow…" I gulped thickly trying vaguely to remember my own name, let alone his.

"Captain…" He rumbled, sending incredible vibrations down my neck, "…Jack…" I bit back a squeak as he nipped sharply at my chin, "…Sparrow, to ye, lass."

"Sparrow…" I blinked rapidly, trying to recollect the way to say, "Hold up!" and get my surroundings back in focus. Everything had a kind of hazy shimmer about it.

"Say it." He commanded harshly.

I furrowed my brow, "Wha…?"

"Say. My. Name."

I hesitated. I had been about to say something alright, but it hadn't been his name, had it?

"Say it, damn ye." He hissed hotly in the shell of my ear, only numbing my mind further, "or I'll make ye say it."

Psh. Make me say it. Yeah right. How could he possibly…oh…oh…oh. I was in trouble. I was in SO much trouble. Jack's hands traveled a deadly path down my legs.

"Repeat afta me…" He husked breathily against the side of my face. I was mesmerized by the sight of his hands on my skin. He seemed to feel the same, because his eyes were riveted to the sight as he continued, "Captain…"

He gathered the edge of my dress into his hands.

"Captain…" I echoed softly.

He began to tantalizingly draw the fabric upwards, "Jack…"

All the while my mind was screaming 'Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for PIRATES WILL STEAL YOUR VIRTUE…BEWARE!' But my body…my body wasn't having any of it.

"Jack…" I immediately bit my lip after it left my mouth because it sounded like I was pleading with him. To continue or to cease and desist? I don't think I was even quite sure.

God…I just HAD to get out of this bathroom…

"Sparrow…" He finished his lesson, rolling the r's to perfection. The dress continued its climb.

I had to snap out of this! Before that dress reached a place where I really didn't want it to go. All the same…my mind kept constantly assuring me: 'One more minute, one more second of feeling this, someone's desire for you. Then you can stop him if you want…if you want. Just…one more…' And I understood something about Jack then that had been implied before but I had never really got. He gets what he want, when he wants it. And when he says he'll make you do something…he will.

My eyes closed of their own accord, "Sparrow…" I whispered in a surrender of sorts…I guess.

I was really going to let this happen, wasn't I? It would be extra work for him though. I was wearing six articles of clothing at the moment. The bodice, the dress, a black skin tight undershirt, spanky pants (cause the dress was so damn short), and underwear and bra.

"Tha's it, lass…there's no shame in this…" His hands were under the skirt part of the dress now. This was surrender. But that word didn't sit well with me. I twitched violently at the thought, and the impact of what I was about to agree to bowled me over.

My eyes shot open.

No. I didn't want this. I wasn't ready, for all my protests about it. I could suddenly move again and my hands immediately grabbed Sparrow's, pulling them out from under my dress.

"Stop."

An inhumanly low growl erupted from deep in his chest as he hefted me up with such brute force; I choked back a surprised cry and clung to him, afraid he was going to drop me painfully to the floor. Instead, he sat me firmly on the sink counter, between two of the washing basins, and mumbled one thing…

"Not a chance, love." Both of his hands went behind me to struggle with the lacings of the bodice. Clawing at them with a fury that made me glad I had double…no triple…no wait QUADROPLE knotted the blasted thing, "No more…" He hissed shockingly not at all sounding like the Jack I knew. Jack jerked me hard against him, one hand still fighting the ties to the corset, and the other hooked under the flesh of my knee to allow even more space for him between my legs, and to make sure my heels couldn't impale him as I tried to twist out of this position. My arms were crushed to his chest. "No more refusals an' no more teasin', lass. I've waited too long…ye've held me off fer far too long…No, lass…I'll not be stoppin'…Not this time."

We wrestled for a few minutes in silence, only punctuated by my hitching gasps of air to keep from tearing up.

Why was he doing this to me? I finally managed to wiggle an arm out from between our bodies, and put all my weight into trying to push him off.

"Sparrow…stop…stop…Jack!"

He pulled back angrily in what I hoped was an end to all of this, but he was simply frustrated with the sailor knots holding the bodice together.

My legs were shaking, as were my hands, as I pushed at him. God I was trembling! And I was so confused….I mean it did feel good in a way, but when I had imagined us going on a very pervy romp like this, I had always assumed I would have had some say in it. Some control…and the problem was I didn't.

"Let me down, Sparrow…now." I demanded, afraid to push forward myself in the aspect of just coming into closer contact to what I was trying to desperately space myself from.

I thought that would be the end of it, but Jack had other plans. His darkened eyes alighted upon something on my person.

I'm just going to mention this now and get it out of the way: We should never have taught Jack how to open zippers.

I understood a second before it clicked in his mind. He had off the zippered corset top before I could utter a protest. Only five more layers to go now.

Both arms were pushing at him wildly now, "Jack, please…stop…" My breath caught dangerously. I really did want him to stop, too. But…there was a part of me, even if it was a small part, that delighted in the idea of him continuing despite what I would say. And that scared me, really, REALLY badly.

"Shhh…shhh…shh, lass…" He murmured roughly, his slightly scratchy beard scraping my cheek. His mouth found mine, softer this time than before, more languid yet just as controlling.

And then I just sort of…relaxed. My hands eased on his shoulders, his lulling whispers soothing my reactions. A tongue swept the cave of my mouth sending me shuddering too close to going over the edge. His hand slid under my dress strap, slowly easing it off my shoulder. I began to shrug away, but nibbling gently, pleadingly on my lower lip, he pressed a spot lightly on my back.

I'm not a ticklish person, by nature. Not my side, not under my arms…none of the typical places. My back, however, is. Don't ask me why. To make matters worse, I don't even know for sure where these ticklish spots are located.

Well, Sparrow had found one.

And feeling my prominent jump from the sensation, he brushed his fingers over the spot again.

My body reacted accordingly. My back arched in another sharp jerk, and my hips thrust forward, my legs wrapping around his waist. Natural, animal instinct. How I hated it…

The body was supposed to follow the reasoning of the mind, not the other way around!

"Rachel…"

The groan of my name from him caused a pause in me. It was the first time I could remember that he hadn't called me lass, or love or any other degrading name.

I drew back so I could see him.

He was back…Jack.

My Jack.

The hard obsidian that had filled his eyes was gone, and his coffee dark warmth was seeping back in. And he had said my name; not the frightening man who had been here moments ago, immune to my cries, but the Jack I had shared an adventure with not too long ago. He was palming my knee gently, the other hand lightly stroking my arm.

I twisted my arm and stilled both of his hands. I searched his face, but saw no sign of the previous, ominous, menacing shadow that had controlled him so completely.

"Where did you go?" I asked, gripping his hands tightly.

"I've been righ' 'ere, lass…" He assured me, although he didn't look quite sure himself.

I shook my head firmly, "No. No, you haven't. Where were you? Where did you go just now?" I peered closer.

He glanced down, suddenly interested in the state of my hands. He turned one over, his thumb running circles around the palm, "Now, wha' do ye mean, love?"

"You know perfectly well what I mean, Sparrow." I said, tugging up the strap of my dress he had slid off my shoulder. His eyes followed the movement carefully.

I waited for an answer as I gathered my bodice, shrugged it on over my shoulders, and zipped it up again.

Finally he spoke.

"Jus' got meself a litt'l carried away is all, lass. Nothin' ta fret abou'." He gave a flash of a grim smile.

I looked at him in disappointment. He'd have to learn sooner or later or never at all…no matter how much I liked…loved him, I wouldn't give up my principles or my morals. Not even for him.

I sighed tiredly and hopped down, making Sparrow back up a step or two. I straightened my dress, and made a vain attempt to pat down the wild tangle my hair had become, due to Sparrow's advances.

"If you're not going to tell a convincing lie, Sparrow…you might as well not even try." I swung my purse unto my shoulder. I looked around for my jacket and spotted it on the other side of the room. "Why don't you make it a night with the brunette instead…she seemed easy enough. She doesn't have this lass's reservations about things like that."

I managed to sound easy going and indifferent while at the same time the frantic rate of my heartbeat had only increased. I felt sick, feverish, and confused. It was clear the sooner I got myself out of this space and the company in it, the sooner I could give a good cry in light of recent events without said company knowing it was because of him. He didn't need THAT ego boost.

"Have a good night, Jack. I'm sure the girls will give you a ride back to Vicki's house." I was being this calm because I was swiftly unraveling inside. All I had as a defense was a mask, this mask, "Remember to wear a seatbelt."

Then, composing my inner turmoil, I turned my back on him and began to walk toward the door and my jacket that littered the floor.

But you don't just turn your back on Jack Sparrow, and if you do…you ultimately regret it.

I was yanked backwards so violently I nearly careened over. His mouth descended like a bird of prey, prying my lips apart with a vengeance. He had me so close, I might as well have been him…bone and blood. Been his skin, the thick lashes of his eyes, the tangles of his hair. With one arm, one arm, he began to lift me from the floor. From the frickin' bathroom floor!

The swinging door squealed on its hinges as a flirtatious couple entered.

Jack wrenched away from my mouth, laying a branding kiss to my temple long enough, to growl threateningly at the couple, "We're busy…take it elsewhere!"

"You guys have already had half an hour…" My eyes flew open, as I jerked down from Sparrow's hold at the sound of Vicki's voice. I spun to find them just inside the door. Will's arms firmly placed around her middle, hugging her form close to him, "…it's our turn now." She suppressed a giggle as he placed a tremulous kiss on the nape of her neck.

"So…are ya done or what?" She asked leaning gently against him.

"Yes…yes, we're done…" I murmured, taking hasty steps away from the eyes boring into the back of my skull. I bent down and scooped up my jacket from the floor. This was just so screwed up. I couldn't deal with this stuff. I just…couldn't. I didn't know what to think really. My body was telling me to a) finish the deed with Sparrow or b) Pummel his face into the metal Tampon dispenser on the other side of the room. My mind was telling me to just walk away and let it go. And my heart…well my heart's reasoning sucked balls. And I just didn't want to have to think about any of these things now.

"I…" I stammered slightly afraid to cast even one glance behind me. Vicki narrowed her eyes, picking up on my unease, her gaze immediately transferred to Sparrow's face, pinning him with an accusive glare. "I have to…check on Ben…I …thirty minutes…"

"What about Ben?" Vicki's head snapped to stare at me.

"He…um…he…he had an accident. I'm sorry, I really should check on him. I…left him alone…"

Just pick up your feet, Rachel, and get out of here now!

"Vicki, you stay here with Will and Jack but I…I think I'm gonna call myself a cab. I'm a little…a little tired."

And I left.

It took me awhile to find Ben. When I did locate him, I saw he was sitting at the bar…an icepack on his face, and he was joking with two of the bouncers.

I walked over.

"Hey." Even my greeting sounded apologetic.

"Hey!" His features lifted and his face warmed as I ambled up to him.

"How are you?" I asked tentatively sitting down next to him.

"Good…good, just talking with my boys here." He indicated the buff bouncers on either side of him, both looking like they weren't exactly his boys.

"You're a big fat liar…" my lips quirked bitterly. This whole thing had gone through the Ricky Martin dry spin, "…and you obviously paid these nice guys not to beat your ass for saying that, because you want to look cool."

"Yep." Trustworthy, honest smile. Even with a forming black eye he looked…great.

"Look…I'm really sorry…about everything…I don't know what got into him…" I tired to apologize again, but I couldn't see how words could band-aid physical hurt, "…I think he was a little drunk…"

Jack is a walking, talking Liquor store, who was I kidding?

Ben's gaze become sober, "As long as you think it's fine. Just…you should be careful with guys like that."

Great. He thought I was in an abusive relationship. Just fabulous.

"We're not really together."

"Looked pretty together."

"Uh…maybe you didn't notice the two ho's he was dancing with earlier. We're not together."

He once again put the ice buddy on his eye, "But you were?"

"For a time, yes. But it didn't really work out."

"I'm sorry."

I laughed at that, "No, you're not."

"No," and I was surprised to see he looked completely earnest, "I really am."

I chuckled, "You can't be! I'm not even sorry."

"You can't not be sorry," He laughed in return, "You're a girl…"

"Oh, well spotted!"

"No, don't get me wrong! But do you know who your ex looks like?"

"Ummm…not really."

His eyes widened (well his eye widened), "You've got to be kidding. He's the spitting image of Johnny Depp! I'm surprised you're even here talking to me when you could be making out with him in a bathroom somewhere."

Not saying I didn't…

I smiled. I liked Ben so much. "Well, in any case, despite my past relationship blunders punching you in the face, it was good to see you again."

"Yeah," he grinned, "you too."

"Well…" I got up from the stool, but lingered apprehensively, "See ya."

"Yeah…"

I turned to walk away.

"Uh, Rachel!"

I spun around, "Yes?"

"Would you like a ride home?"

I glanced at his bruised head, "Are you in any condition to drive?"

"Ah don't be fooled…I'm tougher than I look. Really, see…it doesn't even hurt any more…" He touched the skin around his eye, and winced, "Well, much…"

"I'm sorry it hurt to begin with."

"No big, it's fine. So what do ya say?"

I smiled as I ventured nearer, "I say 'where are you parked, Sparky?'"

* * *

(JACK'S POV)

He watched her, every inch of her as she walked through that swinging door. How the fabric of her dress brushed her lower thighs, how a wisp of hair caressed her shoulder…

And he hated her. Hated the very thought of her. Wha' was he doin' goin' around with a gel like tha'? A gel like tha' meddled things up in a man's mind, tainted a man's reputation. He wasn't a bloody aristocrat with fancy manners an' all the like, he was no nobleman. He was Jack (Captain Jack, thank ye very much) Sparrow, damn it all, and he would bloody well stay tha' way. No matter whose feelin's he hurt. Why, the very thought of a gel grown on 'im tha' much was laughable. Nah, he was much better off stayin' away from the female line entirely.

If only they would stay away from him. Oh, lord 'ere came Miss Victoria ta tell 'im off. He leaned against a metal box attached to the wall, waiting for her to begin. He didn't take notice of the fire in her eyes. The gel was a head shorter if she was an inch…What did she think she could do to him to warrant his fear?

"What was that all about? What did you do?" She demanded coldly of him.

He regarded her placidly, "Nothin' tha' the lass wasn't beggin' for."

Her face twisted and suddenly, ridiculously, his jaw hurt as well as the back of his head! And he knew that the eunuch's lass had punched him. Him! It was like retribution for his beatin' on the boy earlier. Jack had never believe the "thrice it shall return" philosophy but he could see now why some would be swayed by it's all too true outcomes.

His hand flew to his jaw, too stunned by the foolish rancor of the feminine mind to do anything else.

"That's for being an idiot." She spat, "Whatever you did, you just better hope she's forgiven you by the time she gets home or else your sorry ass is sleeping out in the street tonight."

And then she left as well, leaving him alone with the lad, rubbing his jaw tenderly.

"Did you deserve that one?" Will posed.

"No…"

"No?"

"No, lad…" He walked over to the sink and the mirror above it, where he determined the damage done to his face. Beaten by a mere slip o' a gel…but for good reason. "I didn't deserve tha' one. Tha' one I 'ad comin'."


	8. Let's take this to a different level

Disclaimer: I've got a lot on my plate these days, busy bee stuff and all that crap. Once again musical business calls, but since I am not a minor part this year (nor major I'm afraid) I'm hoping I'll have more time to devote to my stories. Ah well, one can only take it as I'll just have to work twice as hard to be better than everyone thinks I will be. But here's for the good news. I've made it into my first choice college and so has Vicki! The Libertine, V for Vendetta, Hard Candy and other great movies are coming out soon, and the second Pirates is sailing ever closer. Vicki and I are for SURE continuing to chronicle our adventures with the boys even from a long distance. Here is my last chapter for a while. I hope you enjoy it. Oh and I don't own nothin' but myself and the plot, likewise author credits for my co-writer.

* * *

Ben was a very road conscientious driver. Didn't do anything dumb behind the wheel, or anything stupid for that matter. Okay, so he would speed up between speed bumps, slowing down drastically before we hit them so that we were bumped out of our seats…but it was fun.

We didn't go straight home to Vicki's house as I had planned we would. Instead we caught a late show in the town square. The rundown theater sill played old classics like Young Frankenstein and Casablanca. We didn't really watch the whole movie through, just enough to shout out our favorite quotes from Mel Brook's masterpiece, while trying to dodge flying arsenals of popcorn and gummy bears.

Still not quite ready for the night to end we swung the party over to the local ice-creamery where he ordered Better Batter and I ordered Chocolate Better Batter. We talked and laughed over the stains of the Beach Boys and Louie Armstrong. And then hours later we mutually decided it was time to head home.

I directed Ben towards Vicki's house and finally getting there he pulled the car to a stop. Looked like the guys had beaten us there, Vicki, Will, and Jack. And judging by the lights that glowed from within, it was abundantly clear they were waiting.

"I gotta go…curfew and all…" I said, unbuckling the seat belt.

He watched and chuckled as I fought with the belt, getting it stuck in the process. Laughing, he leaned over to help me, "Here, let me…"

"Thanks." I murmured, embarrassed pas the point of all reasoning. Too bad all good things must come to an end…Wait a minute!

"You got a pen?" I asked him suddenly.

"Um…" he looked around the car, and found one in the side door pocket, "Yeah. Here."

I took it from him, snatched at his hand and scrawled my phone number on his skin.

"I'm gonna be smart about this, this time and get your digits, so…come on…Mark me up."

He took the pen from me and quickly scribbled his own number on my hand.

"Nifty." I mused tilting my hand in the sparse light of the car as I looked at the numbers.

"I know. Digits on digits."

I groaned, "Oh that was so lame!"

"I know, I know…"

It got very still, very quickly. And then I think he leaned toward me…

"Okay! I gotta go! Thanks for the ride!"

"Al…alright." Ben looked bewildered at my quick exit. I felt extremely ridiculous but I couldn't help it now.

"Call me, okay…" I said falteringly, backing up to the house.

"I will." He promised.

We smiled then. We were okay even if I hadn't wanted to be kissed just then.

"Okay…see ya…"

"Bye."

I floated down the walkway and up the stairs of Vicki's porch, flowing past the screen door, and breezing through the wooden one. I leaned against the door with a happy sigh.

"D'ye 'ave any idea wha' time it is!" The half wild cry startled me into opening my eyes. Jack stood there looking disapproving in the most maniacal way.

I slumped against the wood, "Oh Jesus, here we go…"

"Where were yeh?" Jack demanded.

"Out." I muttered succinctly, dropping my purse on the table beside the door.

"With who?"

"Take a guess." I snapped pushing past him, "Where's Vicki?" I asked, choosing to ignore his glowering expression

"She's in the otha room with the lad. Were ye wif tha' boy?"

"Yes, I was as a matter of fact." I replied turning to regard him with arms crossed. "What do you want to do about it?"

"Funny ye should mention tha'…" He made a move toward me just when Vicki yelled from the adjoining room.

"JACK! WILL YOU GET THE GODDAMN POPCORN, ALREADY? I NEED SOMETHING SALTY!"

Her screeching seemed to pain him, because he winced and closed his eyes gritting his teeth. I smirked in pleasure.

"Go on, Sparrow," I taunted, "your pimp is calling you. Popcorn is in the fourth cabinet on the left."

" 'Old on ta year under stockin's Miss Victoria, for a momen' more, if ye please! I'm 'avin' a few words with the lass." Jack shouted over his shoulder, his eyes still riveted to mine and I knew we had reached a point in our relationship that was an entirely different level than anything else before it had been. A point of complete seriousness. The head of all our arguments was about to popped wide open…and surprising things were bound to jump out of it. "Ye an' I need ta 'ave a litt'l chat, Missy."

I nodded, "We really do. Come on." I led him into the kitchen and started preparing the popcorn, "Talk."

He didn't waste any time. It burst out of him as if he had been dying to get it off his chest the whole night, "I won't 'ave ye cavortin' abou' with tha' lad."

"You?" I asked, rounding on him an eyebrow raised as I shut the microwave, putting it on two minutes, "What do YOU have to do with it?"

"Ye know damn well wha' I 'ave ta do with it…" he growled, "I don't want ta see yeh with 'im again or any otha bloke for tha' matter."

"Why?"

Jack sputtered, "Wha' do yeh mean 'Why?'? Because it tain't right ye goin' off with lad folks who ain't me, when yer me bonny lass! That's why!"

"Ditto." I snapped.

"What?"

"Same here, jerk. I feel the same."

"Wha' are ye talkin' about? I don't fancy blokes!"

"No…my god! It is so frustrating speaking with you!" The microwave beeped annoyingly. I spun back around to it. It hadn't popped fully yet…damn. Back still turned I continued as I put the whole thing back in for another three, "You think I like it when you go around with other girls? You think I enjoy watching you get it on with other girls? No one likes feeling like second fiddle, Sparrow. No one." I sighed.

An arm worked itself around my waist pulling me closer to the heat of a man I loved.

"Jack…" Not now, don't fall in love with him all over again. Not when you've already made up your mind about this, I warned myself.

"A wee bit jealous were ye, lass." I could feel his knowing smirk nuzzle against my hair.

I released a breath of irritation this time around.

"Yes. Yes, I was. But I didn't punch out your date, that's the difference, Sparrow, and it's a big one."

He turned me around gently looking genuinely puzzled, "An' wha' do yeh propose I do? I'm not goin' ta be anythin' other than a pirate, lass. Ye can't expect me ta act any differently than I am."

"I don't." I admitted, his grip on me tightened, almost as if he could feel something big was going to come of my next words…he just didn't know how monumental it was. "I wouldn't want you to. That would be wrong. I like you as a liar, a drunk, and a cheat. It's who you are. I wouldn't have you any other way."

Sparrow grinned, pulling me closer yet.

I laid a stopping hand on his chest, which looking back probably wasn't the smartest thing to do if I was going to carry this out. It was hard enough already.

"But I can't have you regardless." I pushed out the sentence slowly, "I thought I could and that was my mistake. Do you know how many girls would crucify me if I made you into a one woman man? I won't ask you to make that change, Jack, but…I can't bring myself to be content with just your occasional notice. So…"

Jack eyed me warily, "What' are ye tryin' ta say 'ere, lass?"

I gulped, Christ don't start cryin' ya pansy, I berated myself, just get it over with! "I'm saying we should rectify the mess we started on the island…in your time."

"An' 'ow would we do tha', lass? Ye can't go an' change the past."

I had to laugh at that, "Of course you can, Jack. Or have you forgotten what Vicki and I were doing in the Caribbean to begin with. Just like I can do this…" I gathered breath again, "I want us to just be friends."

"Friends?"

"Yeah." He didn't look too pleased, "Bosom companions…no, wait nothing to do with bosoms…you know," I strove to communicate this idea correctly, "comrades…mates…"

"Mates…" He mused, "Aye, tha's fine with me, lass. We'll be fine mates…mates 'oo partake in the sinly pleasures o' the flesh…"

Okay, he totally missed the point.

"No, Jack, you misunderstand me." I held him off from seeking my neck with his mouth, "By mates…I mean, Jack," How to say this so he could get it, "I don't think I can be your bonny lass any longer."

The words settled the enclosed space of the kitchen in such a heavy silence, it burned my ears. I pushed on regardless, telling myself it was for the best, "I don't want to be."

Still no word from Sparrow as he gazed on me, a frighteningly blank, vacant expression to his eyes.

So still was he for such a time that I jumped when he finally spoke.

"Wha'?" He husked.

I sighed, this was taking all my strength and truth be told I was just too tired to handle it, "I can't do this…bring the popcorn when it's done or Vicki will bite our heads off." I made to leave the room but Jack held firm to my arm.

"Wha' do ye mean ye don't want ta be me bonny lass? Wha' do yeh mean by that?" I know it's, strange but I could have sworn he looked hurt by this.

"Jack…" I tried to shake him off.

"Wha' does tha' mean?" He asked tugging me back.

"It means I can't be with you anymore!" I snapped, "It means no more kisses, or fondles, or…"

Now his voice rose in volume, its timber shaking, with anger or something else I couldn't say, "Since when!"

"Since now!" I shouted back.

"Why!" He bellowed.

"Why was the rum gone, Jack!" I countered just as loudly, "Why did Elizabeth burn the food, the shade, and the rum? Maybe because she knew it would be better for the BOTH OF YOU if she did! This is no different."

Jack stilled a fraction, "O' course it is, lass. She did tha' ta save our lives."

"And what makes you think I'm not?" I argued, "It was insanity when we started this between us, and it's insanity now. Trust me, Jack, we'll be better off if we call it quits with this relationship."

"An' why should I believe tha'?"

Fuck, he was so obstinate!

I lost it, "Because I'm not a damn pirate!"

"No," he growled, "yer just a lyin' gypsy."

And then he kissed me. I let him…because I knew it would be the last time I did. It was some goodbye kiss; I'll say that for him.

Before I had met Jack I had had no idea there were so many different kinds of kisses. His ranged from the teasing kind like the ones he'd used to coax me into a calm when I'd wanted to kill Vicki, to the lust filled wild ones he'd torn from me this very night.

This kiss…was something entirely different from all the rest, because the first thing I felt…was his anger. His disappointment in me. Hot, cloying, overwhelming in its intensity. A sense stuck me in the feeling, that had he the breath to do something other than kiss me, he would be saying, 'Why must ye spoil everythin'! We've 'ad our laughs, our grand ol' times…why must ye continually ruin wha' fun we migh' 'ave 'ad?'

Longing flowed next from his mouth, twisting my muscles into weakened nerves that thrived and hummed reacting to the wanting he pooled into me like candle wax and hot chocolate.

The last few seconds of the kiss were the strangest. Fear followed his longing. He began kiss me as if I was a bout of tricky autumn air, skirting from his hold; and the more he sought me with his mouth the more I'd flitter away. There was desperation in this fear, his fear.

And then the kiss slowed, turned shivery and bittersweet…achingly tender. There was something brutal about this softness, something destructive, because it ate at me from the inside; tortuous and ambivalent. Death by gentleness.

And then there was a sudden flash of pure raw emotion that struck so swiftly I felt like a butterfly pinned by a sharp silver needle. Impaled by the revelation of this quick glimpse he had let slip. I couldn't give it a name because as soon as it had run me through, this feeling; it retreated…with the ding of the microwave, leaving me only with the vaguest impression of the Pearl. And I didn't know why.

I broke away confused and baffled. What was that? What had just happened?

Jack's breathing was ragged, if I had been paying attention I would have noticed mine was too, but the fact remain I was too stunned to do anything else.

What had that been!

"DO I SMELL SMOKE?" Vicki yelled jarring us again back to the complete present, "DID YOU BURN THE POPCORN? IT DOESN'T TAKE ROCKET SCIENCE TO MAN A MICROWAVE YOU GUYS!"

I blinked and came to my senses.

"Oh shit…" I jerked, spinning around to find smoke emitting from the microwave. In a way I was grateful for the distraction. More than anything I wanted Jack to go away so I could figure out what had just taken place.

I fumbled with the burned bag, hissing at how it singed me…cursing it for its heat…My god! Even the stupid popcorn was making me thing of that damned kiss!

His gruff voice was another reminder when it finally filtered to my ears, so close behind me, "So…jus' mates, then?"

My hands shook as I poured the popcorn into a bowl. I nodded silently, aware of glances I could not see but somehow knew he was taking. He took a once over, slower and perhaps with more alertness than he had when he had first seen me on the deck of the Interceptor with Murtog and Mullroy, and then he walked out of the kitchen.

I let out a whoosh of air I hadn't realized I had been holding in and put a trembling hand to my forehead. Whew, that hadn't been THAT bad…

I winced. Who was I kidding? It had been horrible and I felt like shit on top of it. I had been firm and adamant in my decision only moments before, now I wasn't so sure. Maybe I had made a mistake.

I followed after him shortly into Vicki's TV room. Vicki and Will were on the couch, her feet were on his lap and he was stroking her leg. Her eyes were overly bright, shining…It meant she was happy. I handed her the bowl of popcorn as I went to sit down on her other side. Jack had opted to sit on the other side of Will, and he was good naturedly flipping through the channels as if nothing had ever taken place between us.

That proved I had been right then…Jack was just as relieved as I was that this quirky relationship had come to an end. I was relieved…I was…

The phone rang. No one moved.

It rang again.

"I'll get it." I volunteered, pushing myself up from the couch and jogging out into the hall to snatch up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Rachel?"

"Ben!" I checked my watch, we hadn't parted that long ago, "I know I said call me but aren't you bored with me yet?" I smiled into the receiver.

"Guess not." I loved his laugh, "And I know calling only minutes after dropping you off is a bit stalkerish, I'm sorry."

"Don't be…" I assured him.

"It's just that I forgot to ask you when you left…I was wondering…would you like to see a movie tomorrow…with me?"

YES!

"Sure!" I answered excitedly, "What do you feel like?"

"Well, I know Troy's been out on video for ages now, but I never saw it and I heard there's this funky old theater that's still playing it…."  
"God, I've been dying to see it a third time," I exclaimed, "how did you guess!"

"You serious? Cause we can see something else if you…"

"No! I'm all for Troy!"

"Okay then…say…9:30 show, you…me…candy…epic battle scenes?"

"Great! Oh," I stalled twining the cord around my finger, "is it okay if my friend and her guy and his friend come with?"

"Yeah, see you then."

"Bye."

I hung up with a grin and did a happy Snoopy Dance in the hall. I slipped back into the TV room beaming and still wiggling (just a little). They looked up as I entered.

"What's up?" Vicki asked, perking up from her reclining position.

"You guys wanna go see a movie?"

"Yeah," Vicki agreed, "I think it's about time we introduced the men to a darkened theater." She sent a look to Will, who returned it threefold, his eyes darkening slightly, and the corners of his mouth lifted in a somewhat mischievous smile.

"Okay," I said tucking a hair behind my ear, "That's a definite 'yes' if ever I heard one. So it's settled 9:30 tomorrow. I'll buy the tickets online in the morning."

"Guess it's bedtime then." Vicki announced, stretching luxuriously in Will's lap.

"I call your living room couch." I declared.

"We," Vicki answered pulling Will closer by nape of his shirt, "claim my parents room."

"Kinky." I voiced, raising a brow, "Why your parents room?"

"Have you seen my room lately, Rachel?" She glanced at me meaningfully, and I caught her drift, "That's why."

Check. Will seeing pictures of himself, that weren't really him, and dozens of Dom pics was not a good idea.

"I claim the kitchen."

We all stared a Jack.

"Closer ta the alcohol, me mates." He informed us with a grin, rising and heading toward his destination, "I 'appened ta see a particularly fine vintage in the cupboard earlier. Cheers…"

"Cheers." We all said in pirate speak and disbanded to our appointed rooms.

I set up my sleeping bag and pillows on the couch, and then realizing Jack had none of his own, went to fetch a blanket and some spare pillows for him. He wasn't in the kitchen when I entered. He was walking around in Vicki's backyard, muttering to himself, waving his arms about.

I smiled briefly. Back to his old ways. Everything was right in the world then. I watched him staged about a few moments more, and then deposited the bed coverings on the counter and made ready to sleep.

As I settled down, snug in the encompassing warmth of my sleeping bag, I could made my mind form any other image other than Jack's face, his laugh lines, his voice, the feel of him…

Maybe I had made a mistake, I thought again with dread…

I forced myself to think of Ben and I at the movies tomorrow, cuddling, throwing popcorn at each other. Jack I'm sure would rather die than be seen cuddling with anyone. I smiled as I drifted into sleep.

…then again, maybe I hadn't made a mistake after all.

* * *

(JACK'S POV)

The taste of the hard liquor burned his throat and tongue mercilessly…ah, paradise! Free from worry or sensible thought. He took another long swig, liquid flame flowing down into him. He coughed roughly after downing the bottle of its contents before opening another.

'Bloody kiss undid me…' He grimaced as he ran a hand over his brow; splaying it against his heated face and swinging the new bottle back and forth dejectedly in his other hand.

'Tha' damned kiss…'

He plopped down into the grass and threw back his head to down another dose of whiskey. That was the first time a kiss he'd initiated came back ta bite 'im in the rear.

He'd started it out of anger. How dare the gel try to turn 'im out cold, let 'im loose like some wayward dog! It was humiliatin' an' he had meant to humiliate her in turn by showin' 'er it was her loss. Hell, it had always worked stupendously before.

Until now…

He wasn't positive as ta when the tide 'ad turned, when his anger had been overwhelmed by her own. Her fury at him. Pained; as if she were free to move she'd have been beating at his chest crying, 'You're making me do this, you know! And I hate you for it! I hate you! Why? Why!'

And things had gone wrong from there…He couldn't name the feeling that had churned his insides during that kiss, only that he had felt the same when his Pearl had sailed away leavin' 'im behind on that blasted island. 'Strange tha',' he mused, 'comparin' the lass ta me Beloved Pearl. Don't know why I did tha'.' He paused in his thinking to shake his head, 'Must be the effects o' the ale…Bloody imports…made yeh think insane things.' He took another slug of ale as he stumbled back into the kitchen.

Ah well, made no matter now, did it?

She'd made 'er choice. He should probably count 'is blessin's…she 'ad been puttin' a right limp inta 'is style. He was finally free to eye wenches to 'is 'eart's content without some harpy screechin' about fidelity an' all that rot.

Yes, twas a good thing it was all over with finally. Twas for the best, he thought muzzily as he made his way back further into the house, 'ee would've just ended up breakin' the poor lass's 'eart when it came down to it.

Such were his thoughts when he passed by the lass's still form, slumbering on the divan. He proceeded to the stairs after having taken time to pat her head numbly, as she rolled over to a more comfortable position, murmuring groggily.

Wha' he need was ta go out, forget the lass, drink, be merry! Maybe the Eunuch would join in…ifen 'is own lass wasn't callin' the shots. Jack passed by their sleeping quarters, and gave a disgusted snort.

By the looks o' things the boy was too far gone ta be saved. The world 'ad gone ta 'ell…an' everyone in it 'ad gone mad.

He was the only same one left, he thought proudly, resistant to the very concept o' tha' detestable word…Love! Hah! There were four things and four things alone tha' 'ee would ever love.

His Rum.

His Gold.

His Pearl.

And his…

'Betta make tha' three things and three things alone…'

He would never willingly admit to the fourth…if there was a fourth…which there bloody well was not!

These were Jack Sparrow's last incoherent thoughts for the night; before he fell into a deep unconsciousness right within the wash room doorway.

* * *

(WILL'S POV)

He was sure, as sure as he had ever been, that she was the most beautiful thing he head ever seen…and ever would. As long as he lived he would never see anything so lovely as Victoria Fraser asleep…dark locks tumbling against the pure whiteness of the sheets, lashes softly brushing against her fair cheeks, mouth parted slightly as if in a sigh…

This was the reason why he felt no fear in this time…away from all sights known and familiar. She was his comfort, his little beauty, his love…

He smiled in the dark.

Simply his.

That was all she need ever be.

His chest grew tight just at one look from her, one word…and it wasn't only that. Such pride he felt in everything she sought to make better in herself, her swordplay…

He admired her courage, her bravery, her unwavering loyalty to her friends and those who were close to her heart.

Her friend too was a remarkable young lady, but not so much as Victoria. He had felt gladdened at the sight of Jack with a maid so sweet and yet so robust enough as to keep up with the pirate.

But like the dunderhead Sparrow was wont to be, such a bond had been broken over the course of a single evening.

Will's arms tightened around Victoria, the movement causing her to bury her soft head against his chest. He clenched his jaw in restraint against the sensation.

'I'll be damned if I let that happen to me.' He vowed, 'Nothing, no force on this earth shall separate…could ever separate me from her…She is me, and my life, everything in it…is hers.'

The words rang true in his mind and yet the oppressive cloud of some unnamable dread continued to hover near.

He buried his head within the crook of her neck, relishing in the faint, light, airy scent of her person.

'Mine…' he whispered to that force threatening his happiness even now, 'My own little warrior, my own Victoria…Mine.'

Overhead the Ironic Over Power wrung its hands deviously, and let out a menacing cackle.


	9. Anything BUT lame

Disclaimer: Well, now that I'm done…Vicki can step up to bat (seeing as it is her chapter and therefore she wrote it). It was expressed that someone thought that she and Will's relationship was "lame." Well…(smiling) I'll let you decide that for yourselves here. Another chapter of mine will follow…that is when I write it. Right now, I have three other stories (From Hell and Not the Type and For the Little Treasure Seeker) that people are really angry at me for not updating. So enjoy Vicki's little scrap of unlameness…it ROCKS!

* * *

"So…Ben has invited us all to go see a movie this afternoon." I offered. After I said this, it was first Will who looked at Jack, then Jack looked at Will…(no, they didn't make out.)

"What the bleedin' 'ell is a movie? Sounds like some demented form of torture! Well, I can take wha'ever ye can give out! Not sure about young William here, though. His man-skills are yet to be tested."

"Oh, they hold up quite well on their own." I answered without thinking.

"What?" Rachel asked, furrowing her brow.

"Wha'?" Jack chorused.

"Nothing." I answered quickly. "Rachel, care to explain movies?"

"Not really." She said, deep in concentration as she tossed grapes into the air and attempted to catch them in her mouth. She was failing.

"Ok, fine. Movies are like the moving, talking pictures we showed you on the other day, but bigger and longer, and there's lots of them."

"Anything that's bigger n' longer is alright wit me." Jack grinned.

"Do you realize how ultimately gay that sounded? Are you playing for the other team these days, eh Jack?" Rachel asked him, smiling madly. Jack must have realized what he'd said because he opened his mouth to speak, but closed it immediately, a first for the Captain.

"Right. Well, movies then?" Rachel said, looking around at us all. I nodded, Will shrugged and Jack was…quiet. Okay, something definitely went down last night with Rachel and the guy. I'd have to remember to ask her what it was.

"We'll let Ben handle the tickets, Rachel. Just have him order some good ones." I said.

"I'll check in with him, and see if he snagged us some." She volunteered as she headed off to get that important info, while the boys and I moved into my kitchen to get some breakfast.

"Would it be possible for us to eat anything other than those puffed things?" Jack roared.

"I'm sorry I can't offer you a nice whiskey, but unless you want cold pizza, it's cereal ahoy." I answered him.

After Will and Jack were done with their cold pizza and I with my frosted flakes, Rachel bounded into the kitchen.

"It's all set! I'm so excited to see this movie again, and I know you will be too." She told me. Suddenly, the room got a little cold.

"Rachel…what tickets did Ben order?" I asked her.

"Troy! Oh my god! Sean Bean-y goodness!"

"WHAT!" I cried. How could she be so stupid? "Can I speak with you a moment, please?"

"Sure." Rachel answered, obviously confused by my reaction. We moved into the other room and I closed the door.

"WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I asked…er…screamed.

"Whoa, calm down, buddy-boy! What's the big problem? I mean you love that movie, especially since…Oh." Rachel suddenly stopped, a look of realization coming over her face.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"Oh shit. Orlando."

"No shit, Sherlock. What the hell is Will gonna think when he sees a look a like of himself with curls and a skirt on screen? He's gonna flip!"

"Maybe he won't notice!" Rachel offered.

"Oh get off it. At least Clark Kent wore glasses." I shot back.

"Well, he can't return the tickets! So you either waste forty of his dollars or we go and you make out with Will the whole time so he won't notice!" I threw up my hands.

"Fine, but if this ends badly, you know who I'm turning to." Rachel nodded and we headed back into the other room.

"Well, it looks like we're going to the movies."

* * *

The day wore on, night rolled around, and before I had time to barricade us in the house we were off to see "Troy"…unfortunately. Rachel and Jack were engaged in a heated argument over whether blue is a better color for bikini's than red, and Jack, even though he had yet to even see a bikini, was winning. Will and I sat in the front seats in uncomfortable silence, and every five minutes or so he'd look at me and smile, trying to cheer me up from whatever was bothering me, even though it was he who was about to be the silent one. Ben sat in between Rachel and Jack, uncomfortable.

We pulled into a decent parking space and Rachel (with Ben in tow) and Jack ran out, both annoyed by the other too much to stay in a car together any longer than necessary. Will and I climbed out, and before he could get too far away I grabbed his arm and kissed him deeply. He seemed pleasantly surprised yet taken aback, so I began to speak.

"Will, you know I love you, don't you? And that I'm here if you need me, or if you have any questions, right?" Will smiled and pulled me closer.

"Of course. And you know I love you as well." I nodded and we moved to catch up with Jack, Rachel and Ben.

The previews were long and boring, and Will made it worse by nuzzling my face and caressing my hand. God. Maybe making out would be a good plan. Suddenly, the haunting music flowed from the speakers and a map of the Aegean came into view. The back story was slowly revealed and Jack began to laugh.

"For god's sake, shut up Jack!" Rachel whispered.

"Those are words!" Jack laughed.

"Your inability to read is not that humorous, Jack." I whispered in his direction, trying hard not to think of what was to come. As the desert scene faded into the screen and Sean Bean's voice echoed out of the speakers, I leaned over to Will and tried to initiate a three hour make-out session.

"Victoria, don't you want to see the movie? As much as I would love to do this, couldn't we save it for tonight?"

"No, Will. I, uh…want to now!" I pleaded, trying desperately to put on my sexy voice, but to no avail.

"I wish to see this, love. I promise, stay with me here and tonight we shall have each other." He breathed, pulling me towards him with a demanding grasp and sucking the breath out of me with a heated, sensual kiss. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as we broke away and he pulled my head down to his shoulder, knowing that his promise would not come true.

The movie started up as usual, Brad Pitt and some naked chicks getting most of the screen time. Too quickly, however, the scene changed to a familiar Spartan port, and my breath caught in my throat as the banquet scene floated before us. Seconds became hours, but then the moment came, the face of Orlando Bloom as Prince Paris made it's heavily eyelinered grand entrance, and I felt Will stir. I trembled, taking my head off his shoulder, afraid of the expression his face would show. His eyes were caught in a wild stare, his mouth slightly parted, no words could be found to answer his questions.

"Will?" I barely got out. He paid no mind to my plea, and continued to stare at the screen, while I suppressed my desire to jump into his arms and cover him with kisses and tell him he was the one I loved. That Paris was a ninny and a fool and in no way knew how to handle a sword. I wanted to tell him I'd marry him today and have his children (which I knew could never really happen, how could I have a fictional character's baby?), anything to wipe his sweet face clear of that growing expression.

Three hours later the movie ended, and as I tried to stifle my bitter tears, Rachel, seeing my anguish and knowing my pain, went to talk to Will.

* * *

"Will!" Rachel called out, catching up to him, "Will, don't be…"

"I don't know what's going on. I don't know who that man is and why he looks just like me, all I know is that Victoria has not been telling me something. We've been getting closer and closer every day, when I think of having to leave her I feel sick. I love her and she's been lying to me."

"She hasn't been lying! We haven't given you and Jack false information; we just withheld some of the more complicated points for your own good!"

"That's the same as lying and you both know it! Jack and I deserve the truth; we deserve to be able to decide for ourselves." Will walked away, leaving Rachel to fend for herself before Ben caught up to her.

* * *

We made it back to the house and whereas I normally would have spied on Rachel and Ben, tonight all I wanted was Will to forgive me. I heard Ben leave and went to seek comfort from Rachel, but then I heard a familiar sound from upstairs: the door to my room opening. I turned to Rachel with a face full of horror, then turned and sprinted up the stairs to my room.

"Will! Please! Don't go in there! Talk to me! Please!" I cried. But it was too late. I reached the landing and stared in horror at the sight of Will Turner standing in the middle of my room. I slowly entered the room and watched his eyes dart from poster to poster. The faces of Orlando's characters stared back at him.

"Is this all?" He asked monotonously. I turned around and closed the door to reveal my collage of Orlando which covered the backside of my bedroom door.

"I'm sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way."

"Find out what? I don't even know who I am! You come into my life, you say you're from the future, but I always knew it was more than that. So what is it? Are Jack and I just a dream? Are you? Are we dead? What?" I remained silent, fighting the tears.

"WHAT!" He repeated.

"You're a character in a movie, Will! I don't know how this happened, but you're a character an actor played. This actor," I said, pointing to a picture of Orlando on my wall, "he played you. The same for Jack. All of these people are his characters."

"And why are they all over your wall?"

"Because I like them. I like him."

"And that's why you like me. Because I am one of his…characters."

"No Will! I love you! I love you because of who you are and how you act towards me. You are real! If you weren't real this couldn't be!" He stared at me, obviously trying to believe me, but still in shock over the news. I paused, then began ripping down the posters and pictures from my walls.

"Do you see?" I cried, waving fistfuls of paper at Will. "They're nothing! It's you!" I held his face in my hands, though his eyes refused to meet mine. "When you're ready to talk to me about…anything, I'll be here." I left my room, not knowing what he'd do. Not blaming him if he wanted to jump out the window. I entered the living room to find Jack and Rachel sitting in silence (a first for him). Upon seeing my face, Rachel ran and hugged me, causing the tears to freely flow down my face.

"It's over. He hates me and I lied to him. You two might as well go back now." I said, indicating Jack, "There's no point in you staying now."

Rachel pulled away. "He loves you. You know he does. Hell, even Jack knows he does."

"Disgusting." Jack responded quietly, though with a hint of comfort in his voice.

"He'll come around. He's too much of a gentleman not to." Rachel smiled.

"But what about Jack?" I whispered in Rachel's ear. "I told Will about him being a character, but I don't think Jack will get it." We both looked at Jack, who was currently walking his fingers up and down his legs and making them talk.

"No point in telling him." Rachel answered. I nodded. "Cheer up. Who could resist this face?" She said, pinching my cheeks and using a sickeningly sweet baby voice. I forced a smile and batted her hands away.

"Let's play a game. Keep the lass's mind off the eunuch. It's called, Rub Jack's Back."

"Not now Jack!" We both chorused.

* * *

Night time rolled around, and I found myself lying on the couch, unsure of how long I'd been there, or whether I'd been asleep or not. Jack was slumped over the arm of the chair, snoring loudly. Rachel was curled up on the other sofa, one hand clutching our antique blanket under the sway of what seemed to be a powerful dream.

The phone revealed a message from my parents, checking in from the beach and making sure I was okay. Sure. Just fine. I listened upstairs for any sign of movement from Will, but heard nothing. I sighed, sitting down in the middle of my kitchen and racking my brain for any way to show Will how much I loved him. How much I needed him and how he was the only one. And then it came to me. How it took me so long to reach that conclusion, I didn't know. To me it was perfect. It was real. I smiled and made my way upstairs.

My heart pounded in my chest as I opened the door to my room. Will was asleep on the floor, his brow furrowed as if deep in thought. I knelt down to him and placed a small kiss on his lips, only deep enough to wake him.

"Victoria." He whispered, waking and sitting up.

"Will, I…I've decided something. I know how to show you how much I love you, and how real you are. Because if you weren't in fact real, this couldn't happen." And with that I stood up and pulled my shirt over my head, then pulled the zipper on my denim skirt and let it fall to the floor. I lay down beside Will, suddenly feeling confident and sure in my actions.

"Victoria?" I smiled and kissed him hard drawing him in until I felt him kissing me back. Suddenly, in a single moment, he'd flipped me over so that I was the one on the floor and he was above me. Holding me. Kissing me.

"Do you remember the blacksmith's shop? The workbench?" I said, unbuttoning his shirt.

"How could I forget? Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked, nuzzling my neck and letting his fingers lose themselves in my hair. I simply giggled, feeling how ready he was, and pulled the blanket off my bed and onto the floor.

* * *

Hours later I awoke. We lay facing each other. Yes…naked. Girlishly I blushed and peeked underneath the blanket. Good lord. The man was NOT a eunuch. Not in the slightest. Our legs were intertwined and while I had both my hands resting on his (tan, muscular, slightly sweaty) chest, he had one arm underneath my head and cradling my shoulders while the other rested on my lower back, drawing me close to him. I grinned and nuzzled up against him. He stirred, shifting his legs, causing me to graze my knee against something ELSE that stirred. Again, I blushed. Happily, I closed my eyes and slept the best night's sleep of my life. That is, until Will woke me up for a reunion of sorts. 


	10. Monkey SeeMonkey Do

Disclaimer: I own sht, you know the drill. I do have certain rights to Rachel, and all rights to Vicki, because I writes her. HAHA. Writes and rights! Ok sorry, college has made me crazy.

* * *

"Vicki! Hurry!" I heard Rachel yell at me. Will and I had been soaring past third base upstairs, and while I hated to leave my poor William in his time of need, Rachel sounded desperate. I sighed, painfully pushing Will away from the wall (aaah, wall slammage) and smoothing out my clothes, ran down the stairs to Rachel's aid.

"God, what is it? I left Turner high and dry upstairs!"

"Eww. TMI, Vicki. I had to call you. Sparrow is going through serious Black Pearl withdrawal." I sighed and followed her into her living room. Jack was sitting on couch, sweating slightly and rocking.

"Jack, just calm down. You'll get back to the Pearl…eventually."

" 'S not just the Pearl, it's the whole ocean! I need water! Get me to the sea!"

"Um well, considering Virginia Beach is about 3 hours away and chock full of men sporting beer bellies and "I 3 America" T-shirts, I'm guessing that wouldn't be the best thing. There's the Potomac River like 2 minutes away, but you'd come out with a third eye or something – really polluted." I offered.

"Well there has ta be a lake or pond or something! Even a creek I can splash about in!" Jack was pleading. It was quite sad, really.

"I think I have an idea." Rachel said.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Five minutes later, Rachel, Will and I were watching Jack play with a toy boat while sitting in the tub. Sorry, ladies, he had pants on. He did look happy though, and it was a temporary fix. But Rachel and I both knew they had to be returned soon.

"Okay, today we search for the monkey." I cringed at the idea but I knew that finding that little devil spawn was the only way to send our boys back.

" Well , where do you suggest we look? He could be anywhere."

" Please, he's still a monkey, he has needs." Rachel gave me a weird look.

"What?"

" Monkeys are going to want to be with other monkeys. You know for company and… moral support for when the moon comes out. Also Monkeys need to converse with other monkeys for the best poop throwing tips."

" OK, this means what?"

" It's at the zoo."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

" Jack you can't tame the tiger!"

" No I did it once it's OK. Ye just give 'em a lil' pat on the 'ed and they curl up like a big kitten. O' course, I think I did slip 'em some rum…" we were at the zoo and Jack had immediately turned into a little kid, running around, enthralled by the animals.

" Jack. Taming a cat that size would be a feat… even for you." Will was pulling Jaco way from the railing that separated us from the tiger pit.

" we're not here to play. We have to find the monkey!"

" I want to see the bunnies!" Jack pouted and clapped Will on the back, searching for some sign of agreement, but Will just looked at him as one might look at a crazy person. Well, This is Jack we're talking about.

We made our way to the monkey house, going to find a way to get the monkey out if indeed was inside. Past the guerrilla cage…nope, just big and hairy.

" Relatives Jack?" Rachel joked. No monkey Jack in the marmoset cage.

"I think I ate one o' them once."

"Gross, Jack."

" Actually with some mango sauce they are rather nice. Roasted…" all of the tiny, with red haired monkeys suddenly scampered away and did at that moment. We continued to own and searched the rest of the cages. Nothing. 5:00 world around And after convincing Jack that the polar bear would not be fun to ride, we sat down to think.

" OK, maybe we should split up." I offered. Jack looked at Will and an inched away from him, making a sign of disgust with his hands.

" Please Jack, try to be less of an ass." Rachel begged.

I grabbed will's arm, signifying our pairing, then pushed to Rachel towards Jack, who immediately grounds around the waist for a full moment before she pushed him off.

Just then, a loud voice came over the speakers overhead.

" Attention all zoo-goers..."

" That is so not a word." I argued.

" The park will be closing in ten minutes. Please make your way to the front entrance. Thank you."

"Yer not welcome!" Jack screamed, whipping his head furiously around and trying to find the source of the voice.

" So now what do we do?" Rachel asked.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Five minutes later, we hugged the horizontal beams located under a bridge in the rain forest exhibit and tried not to look down at the obscenely large fish swimming to treacherously below us.

" What did you say this place was called again?" Will asked, eyeing the fish as well.

"Amazonia. I know…sounds like Xena's best friend." I answered.

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Sshh! I hear someone!" Rachel whispered. We all hushed up and held our breath as the approaching footsteps got louder and louder. Finally, they crossed the bridge right on top of us.

"Bugger." Jack whispered. I mouthed 'shut up', and the footsteps passed.

" Can we get down now?" Rachel groaned as we relaxed.

" I think everyone's probably gone by now." I answered once again staring down at the dolphins sized jungle fish below us.

After a click maneuver from Jack, and a helping hand from Will, we were on the right side of the bridge again.

"So… where to now?" I asked, looking around. All I got back were bewildered faces.

"You're the brains of the operation." Rachel said.

"Right, because I have all the answers." I sarcastically retorted.

"Ye did bring us here, love." Jack answered.

"And you're the one who said we needed to get the monkey and the coin back. I just suggested the zoo!"

"Well unless you have a better idea, I'm going to ride one of those fish." Jack declared, starting for the side of the bridge. I quickly pulled him back.

"No, Jack." At that moment a distinct and vaguely familiar screech could be heard from up above. We all craned our heads to see and watched as a lightening fast fuzzy blur darted from branch to branch.

"MONKEY!" Jack bellowed, running to the nearest tree and starting up it.

"Jack! This is a national zoo! Do you realize what the fine could be for…snapping off a leaf?" Rachel cried.

* * *

This is not the whole chapter. Simply a preview until my co-writer Vicki, brings me the rest of the hard copy to type up, which WILL be done sometime this christmas season...hopefully. But I thought I would throw yall a bone since you've been waiting so nicely for the next installment. Rachel 


	11. Monkey See Monkey Deux

Disclaimer: Vicki's chapter. There is a site for all people who wish to become a real pirate…in roleplay of course. Both Rachel and I belong to it, and yes the Pearl and Jack and all the others are there as well, along with original characters that the members of the board create. We would love for you guys to join us there: at Okay, on with the show!

* * *

"Jack! This is a national zoo! Do you realize what the fine could be for…snapping off a leaf?" Rachel cried, but to no avail. The Captain was already more than halfway up the tree. The monkey was currently screeching and taunting us, which confirmed our previous diagnosis of undead monkey syndrome. The little wanker even went so far as to throw a mango looking fruit at Jack's head, which only stunted his tree-travels for a moment.

"That's it, I'm going." Will declared, taking off after Jack and making a much more acrobatic journey up the tree.

"Oh god, this can only end in pain." I shook my head.

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" Rachel agreed. Jack had reached the top of the tree and the monkey was perched on the very end of a small branch, providing just enough weight for the branch to bend.

Jack nimbly made his way out to the end on all fours, while Will chose a thicker branch beneath him and matched his movements. Then, just when Jack was a good two feet away from the blasted beast, the little devil jumped off onto a lower tree and scurried off. Unfortunately this same movement had caused the branch Jack was on to snap back and between his legs.

"Ooooh…" Rachel and I winced from below. Will reached up to steady the branch and Jack held on with one hand while the other cupped his bruised…er…little pirate.

"Jack, are you alright?" Will asked.

"That blasted overgrown rat just took off a good two inches." He then steadied himself and swung down to Will's branch. "No worries though, still got the other eight."

Will rolled his eyes and the two climbed down. After finding a way to exit through the locked Amazonia doors (thank Buddha for bobby pins) we made our way through the empty zoo, keeping to the shadows in case any night watchmen decided to show up.

Finally, the distant screech of undead monkey furry signaled to us that the critter was up ahead. Unfortunately for us, up ahead was also the alligator pit. We warily leaned over the side, hoping not to see the jumping form of the hated beast. Which of course meant that he was directly in the middle of the 'gator infested waters. Before anyone could say anything Jack sprang over the side and landed on a log, crouching low and struggling awkwardly to control his balance.

"He would NOT make a good lumberjack." I remarked, watching him twist on the log. Before I could protest Will had leapt over the side as well, and had landed on the log adjacent to Jack's.

"Oh…I don't like this." I moaned. I began to climb over the side but Rachel stopped me.

"No! Vicki, you are not the Crocodile Hunter. Steve Irwin is a NUT not to mention DEAD! And just because you're one too does not mean you are qualified to follow in his footsteps! In either extreme! He has very short shorts to fill!"

"There was one defining error in that statement, Rachel." I said, taking a deep breath.

"What?"

"These aren't crocodiles. They're alligators." And with that I was over the side and next to Will, who immediately put me behind him as the alligators began to notice our presence.

"Stay above, lass. We'll chase 'im up there." Jack called to Rachel, who was jumping about more than the monkey.

Jack waited until one gator swam up close enough to him, and then in a half drunken movement, he leapt off the log and onto the head of the alligator itself!

"Jack!" Rachel screamed from above.

"Crikey." I hissed under my breath. What? It seemed like an appropriate thing to say at that moment.

"I wish I had my sword." Will replied. The alligator Jack was on whipped its body around, trying desperately to throw its passenger off.

"Stay here." Will commanded. I looked at him in disbelief. He was going to leave me on a log in the middle of an alligator infested pond?

"Yeah, now you wish you stay'd up here!" Rachel yelled. She'd somehow found a bag of M&M's and was eating them while watching the "show" down below.

"Where are you going?" I asked Will, ignoring Rachel.

"Just don't move." He answered. He bent his legs and leapt up to grab a hold of a chord above our heads.

"Rachel! Climb down to the ledge and pull me out to the middle of the pond!" Will called up to Rachel who shoved the rest of the M&M's in her mouth and scurried down to where the chord was attached to the side. It had also been threaded through a gear and doubled over, so the whole thing was a pulley system . It must have been how they dangled yummy bits of raw meat over the alligators.

When Will was centered, he dropped down on a large stone. The monkey at this point was only a stone away. However, in between that stone and Will, was the largest of all the gators.

"Shit shitty shit shit." I cursed underneath my breath. The only way Will was going to get near that monkey would be if I somehow got the alligator away from him . Why do these things always happen to me?

"Hey! Hey you!" I yelled at the gator who refused to move. Just then I noticed a few small stones laying together on a nearby island. Picking them up I promptly hurled down at the big beastie, who swung around in my direction. It began to swim towards me, and I motioned to Will to get the monkey. He leapt out and snatched up the little demon in his vest, tucking it under his arm. Of course, I was still left with Bog Bertha. As it swam closer, I began to back up, moving onto boulders behind me, keeping a wary eye on the scaly beast before me. Suddenly I felt the wall behind me…I had nowhere else to go.

"Victoria!" Will called from somewhere above me. He'd climbed back on the rope and was now holding a hand out for me from the top of the pit. I jumped up and grabbed his hand, making it up to the top just in time to see the beast below me shoot up and snap at air. See…easy.

"Now all we have to do is get out of the zoo undetected." Rachel said as she helped a slightly we Jack clamber over the wall.

"Great."


	12. Of Skulls and Bones

Disclaimer: Well me lovelies one and all…the time has come the walrus said. Yes I'm afraid that it tis true, PH2 is coming to an end. This will be my last chapter of the sequel, but never fear I will start off the tale of PH3…but til then I suppose this is the parting of the ways for the time being. I am beyond overjoyed to find that we have new reviewers and loyal friends who still enjoy our work. We wouldn't be half as happy with it if it weren't for you so…thank you all once again. Now on with the show…

Oh and P.S: I have made a small video on youtube based on Pirates Hilariousity, check it out my friends. It's called Our Song.

P.P.S- Shout out to the BEST pirates fanfiction writer on this site or any other. A genius of Sparrowousity. Citadel, we mention you proudly and with honor in this chapter. You have supplied us with hours of endless happiness with your story. If one day I can write Jack as well as you…well I'd be a content woman. Cheers ta ye, love…an' all the rum from 'ere ta Timbuktu!

* * *

I put a hand to my head and sighed deeply. This could not be good; I totaled mentally in my mind our progress in the last few days. Found scary monkey at zoo? Check. Proceeded to capture said monkey, while destroying half of the wild life preserve in the process? Oh, check me please! Finally hogtied monkey in alligator pit? Check. No cursed Aztec medallion found with monkey during his spectacular search and seizure? BIG check. Thus ensuing a city wide search in every antique store known to man for sign of that ridiculous coin? Of course and heck yes.

After Vicki's parents had returned from their vaca, we all had to bookit back to my rental free house to keep our secret guests, well...secret. Jack and I were still kinda weird with each other since calling it quits. I still hadn't had time to call Ben for at least the last forty eight hours. And to top it all off, I was pretty sure Vicki and Will had gone to bed together. Had done the big IT. It was the end of the world. All we needed now was for Barbossa to make a stunning return and we'd have a Greek tragedy on our hands. Not good at all.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so many have said. I would like to add on to that by saying 'Desperate times call for desperate measures…and Ben and Jerry's Gobfather.' Nothing less could heal my pain, except for maybe a movie fest featuring my favorite leading men…who would be one shy of a full deck now as things were standing.

So with a shimmy I plucked the ice-cream from the fridge and sat myself down to view my on screen flames in solitude.

Halfway through Anna Karenina with the luscious Sean Bean, Jack sat down next to me.

"Wha's this then?"

I worked my mouth around the spoon for a few minutes savoring the chocolatey goodness of the treat, then answered simply, "A movie."

"I can see tha'." He answered impatiently, "But wha's it abou'?"

"Doesn't matter." I replied, shrugging my shoulders, "You wouldn't like it."

"Who says?" He asked affronted.

Tearing my eyes from the screen I pinned the pirate next to me with a blunt, frank stare, "It's about love." Sparing one last glance at him I turned back to my beloved Count Alioshin Vronsky. I didn't expect him to speak again.

"An' why should tha' stop me from likin' it, lass?"

The question was softly spoken, and I shifted uncomfortably at the sound of it, but disguised it as another shrug of my shoulders, "Suit yourself."

We sat, watching in silence the course of the movie. At a point where Sean Bean/Vronsky was being particularly dashing, I grinned…much to Sparrow's chagrin.

"Fancy 'im, do yeh?" He noted with a sneer.

"Yup." I silently handed him the mini tub of ice-cream at the affirmation. Give him something to drown himself in, since he'd emptied all the alcoholic stores in the house just yesterday. I smiled as he spooned, with a vengeance, the chocolate substance into his mouth. Seeing my amusement, he swallowed the stuff quickly and pointed at the screen at the beautiful Anna Karenina, played by Sophie Marcue.

"Keep yer flower boy, I'll take the lass. She's a lusty eyeful for any man."

Glaring, I snatched the pint of ice-cream back, shoveling a spoonful violently down my throat. I suddenly stopped, getting a very nasty idea.

"For any man, it's true…" I agreed, "but she only wants one…and with good reason…HE'S the one."

I slowly sucked on the spoon, pulling the sweet icing in an evil drag to punctuate my point of Sean Bean being a grade A sex god, with much lip licking followed soon after.

I jumped when Sparrow yanked the spoon from my grasp fiercely, stealing the ice-cream back a second later. He went at the stuff like a crazy person…it was only a matter of time before…

"Oh…me 'ead! It burns wif cold…"

I rolled my eyes.

"Wha' is this torture?" He moaned in pain.

"Brain freeze." I replied succinctly.

"Am I goin' ta die?" He asked fearfully, both hands pressed to his temples.

"Of course not." I snorted, "Hold on…" I assured him, suddenly feeling a flare of pity for the poor idiot. I hurried and fetched a hot wet rag from the kitchen and came back, scooting closer to him.

"Here…this is a trick I learned from my aunt." I pried his hands away, slapping the towel on his forehead.

The warm contact of the cloth slowly eased his anguish, and little by little his writhing ceased. A faint sigh of relief from his mouth sent the curtain of my hair brushing against my neck, and I realized I was closer to him than I had been for about a week. I pulled back.

"Better?" I asked, folding the towel into smaller squares.

"Aye. Tha' was extremely unpleasant."

"Well, serves you right, eating it at that speed. Pace yourself…" I took the spoon and pint back gently, "It's not about how fast you go…" I clarified, displaying the correct way to eat the iced sugar, "…it's about how good it is. It's about enjoyment. Capice?"

"Ca wha'?"

"Just try it again…and take your time." I said thrusting the chocolate at him.

He took it cautiously. And began again.

Smiling, I settled down next to Sparrow, closer than before. Rag ready and waiting should we have a repeat performance.

* * *

Sometime later, after I had finished Anna Karenina, I put in the 2004 version of Peter Pan, thinking Jack would like it for the piratical occurrences, and knowing I would like it for the fact that in it I could get my Jason Isaacs kicks.

Sparrow thoroughly enjoyed himself, as did I (although for different reasons), and he noticed these reasons whenever my gaze intensified as Captain Hook came on the screen.

"Ah Jesus…not 'im too!" He exclaimed, "'Ee screams like a gel."

"I scream like a girl!" I defended.

"Tha's cause ye are a gel!"

"Well, if you're going to be difficult."

I went back to admiring Jas. Hook.

The couch's cushions shifted as I felt him move closer.

"'Elp me ta understand this…understand yer feminine mind. Why is it tha' ye so like these gentlemen? Is it their looks? I'm curious…"

"If you must know…what first attracts me to a man is his…"

"Chest." Jack grinned.

"His VOICE…" I corrected.

"Ye sure not 'is chest?" Jack prodded.

"Quite sure." I nodded, "If he has a voice that makes me want to pull my hair out in pleasure, then I'm a goner." I informed him.

Jack pensively hummed at this answer; I shook off the feeling of it thrumming through my bones. Why had I brought up voices when his made me fairly weak in the knees?

"Is tha' all it takes?" He jarred me out of my musings. Honestly I was glad for the interruption. I had been thinking on things I shouldn't have.

"You wish." I smirked, "It takes more than a swoony voice to leave me helpless. Usually after voice I fall hard for…"

"His chest!" He guessed again.

"No! Would you lay off the chest infatuation for a minute and listen? After voice, it's eyes."

"Why not the chest?"

"Because, you dope," I said curling my arms around a large pillow, "eyes express emotion. Raw feeling. If his eyes convey his passion, his care, and kindness…than it's a total turn on…"

Thank goodness Jack's eyes hadn't made me fell like that for a LONG while…

"Wha' else…?" His tone suggested such a genuine curiosity it was compelling, and I found myself turning to regard him again…and was immediately trapped by his goddamn eyes!

Shit! When was I going to learn not to tempt the Ironic Sense Of the Universe (or the ISOP as I called it) anymore than I had to?

"Well…" I gulped noisily, "um…next usually comes…uh…Movement…"

Sparrow pulled back at this, "Movemen'? Wha' the bloody 'ell does tha' 'ave ta do with anythin'?"

Glad for the distance, I was able to continue on, feeling much steadier.

"Everything." I proclaimed, "When a man moves, it has to have a sort of animalistic grace…"

Jack grunted as if the answer were a little ridiculous in his opinion, so I decided to give him a break.

"And then comes his chest." I sighed.

"I knew it!" He crowed, "Ye were tryin' ta 'old it off!"

And to my complete shock, he took the pillow next to him and bonked me one. I sat there stunned for a second before I hissed, a gleam in my eyes, "You're going down!" And with that, my own pillow hit him right in the kisser.

We both jumped up instantaneously and went at it. Full throttle. All out pillow war.

"Admit it! Ye wanted ta put 'chest' firs' an' didn't jus' cause ye knew I was righ'!" He shouted aiming at my solar plexus, and ducking as I swung at his head.

"Nuh UH!" I combated wittingly.

"Did too!"

"Why would I want some hairy chest when I could have a blissful, mellifluous voice like Sean Bean's?"

I got a good one in because of that comment, but I had placed myself a little too close to the enemy, as I soon found out when Jack had suddenly placed a leg behind mine and bowed me down to the ground. I got my bearings in just enough time to roll out from under the pillow heading for my face. Playing dirty, was he? Alright then.

Jack yelped more in surprise than in pain when I grabbed the folds of his coat and over tipped him to the side. Before he could regain the upper hand I scrambled atop him victoriously.

"What can a chest do that Sean's orgasmic voice hasn't already?" I challenged, tauntingly from my perch, "I mean whoa…!"

I hadn't been paying attention as I should have done in this battle, and Sparrow seeking his chance and finding it, deftly rolled me under him.

"Yeh expect me ta believe tha' overstuffed dandy 'as wha' it takes ta 'andle a woman?" Jack grinned smugly above me.

Smiling toothily back, I retorted, "That and more. He could HANDLE me in any way he pleased…" His pillow was inches from my head when I snatched at it, and tugged using it's velocity to switch our places again, "…he and Captain Hook both, with their unbridled, glorious eyes!" Only I kind of overshot my mark as I said this, and the rolling motion of our bodies continued so that once again he was top side.

"Stop…" He murmured, my pillow that had been in his possession lay seemingly forgotten on the floor beside him.

But I went on happily, "And their predatory movements! What a man can do with his body…"

"Stop…" Sparrow husked again. I took the pillow in my hands and aimed high, but Jack grasped both of my wrists and held them over my head to still the throw.

"…Ooooh! Makes me shiver just to think about it…."

"Stop." It sounded almost desperate now.

"…what I wouldn't GIVE to a man like that…"

"Lass, please…"

My smile eased low once I realized he wasn't laughing with me anymore.

"Please…" He pleaded roughly.

I blinked gently, relaxing under him.

"Jus'…stop."

"Okay." I murmured softly, and I did. I stopped…and stared at him. He looked different. So different. I don't think I had ever seen Jack look so unsure, so…so…

"Okay, Jack."

His eyes were still and focused entirely on me.

"Okay, Jack…it's okay."

Slowly, he released my arms, which were stretched high over my head, and pushed himself up and off; fingers trailing a lovely warm path down them along the way.

I lay there for a moment more, somehow feeling different than I had a minute ago, then slowly raised myself up again.

Jack's mind was elsewhere. His gaze concentrated steadfastly on the floor in front of him.

"Hey…"

I tugged on his sleeve.

"…hey…"

His dark eyes leveled with mine.

"You wanna see what I first fell in love with about you?"

He was silent for a time.

"Not particularly."

I smiled at finally getting a response, "Liar. You're dying to know."

I slid over to the DVD player, popped in the well worn disk, and pressed play.

"Let me show you…"

* * *

"There." I paused the picture, "Right there."

"It's a back." Jack replied.

"It's YOUR back." I pointed out. "I felt the first beginnings of thrill when I saw you…" I smiled just remembering that summer, "I had never felt that before."

He turned his head to glance at me, "But…"

"Oh, I've had crushes since I was a little girl!" I chuckled, "The Phantom of the Opera since I was five, Jack Skellington and Jareth the Goblin King at age seven. They were my first big three…" I admitted. "But you…" I murmured casting my mind back to that moment, the moment Jack Sparrow had first entered my life and changed me in probably the most profound way anyone ever had, "You were different. You got me like a cannonball…right in the gut." I pressed play again, "It wasn't until you stepped foot off that dock that I knew I might be in trouble…"

"An' jus' wha' kind o' trouble migh' tha' be, lass?"

"Your kind of trouble, my friend." I sighed, falling slightly against his frame. I was getting kinda sleepy.

Shifting to accommodate our new position Jack placed a warm arm around my shoulder. I was too lazy at the moment to knock it away.

"Wha' else caught ye eye on me god-like form?" He purred.

I looked at his smile and then regarded the screen. About five seconds from where my last commentary had been I pointed again.

"Here…and here…and here…"

888

I don't know how I did it. How I could have done it but I fell asleep half-way through the movie…a first for me. It's just I was SO tired that I kept slumping against Sparrow's chest, and jerking myself awake when I'd realized what I had done. The last time I fell over I just decided to stay put, since I was sure he would knock me back if he got uncomfortable. Instead, Jack took to lightly running his fingers through my hair. I won't lie, it felt really good. I was lulling off when…

"Lass?"

I cracked a lid, "Mmmmn hmmn?"

"How is it tha' ye and the Fraser gel aren't in this?"

"Don't ask me," I grumbled into his shirt, "We've often said we should have been."

His brows furrowed deeply, "But ye were. Yeh were there."

I shrugged limply, "I guess Disney deigned us unsuitable for children and took us out. I don't blame them. We were kind of potty mouthed sometimes." I settled deeper against his warmth, hoping he'd be quiet now so I could get some sleep.

He was and I was grateful for it…and for the continuing, hypnotizing play of his hands in my hair.

* * *

The next time I blinked my eyes open it was late afternoon and the movie had been long over. Jack had fallen asleep, too. Smiling softly at the sight, I slowly moved myself out from under his arm and gave a great stretch. God, I loved naps. They made one feel so refreshed. I had actually had the infamous Sean Bean in a dressing room dream from a one hour nap…I looked again at Jack. I wonder…Was I dreaming now?

Leaning closer to him than I had ever dared, I slapped him gently on the cheek. He shifted a bit in sleep and called out in a dream mumble:

"I swear, officer, the dear lady was already in 'er bloomers before she came ta me room, on me 'onor!"

Snorting in disdain I tapped his cheek a bit harder this time around.

A hand flashed out and held mine before I could hit him again. His eyes opened with alarming alertness and locked on me.

"Now, why ye be hittin' me, lass?"

I narrowed my eyes, "I don't know. Who was this esteemed lady and why did you have your hands on her bloomers?" I accused.

"Wha'?"

"Forget it." I muttered, sitting upright and putting my hand to my discombobulated hair. Jack yawned widely.

I straightened my clothes, since they had gotten bunched up in our rest, "See if Will and Vicki are home yet." I announced moving to sweep past. Jack brought his leg up into my path, blocking it sufficiently.

"Why'd ye hit me?" He asked again.

I rolled my eyes. Really. "I thought you might be a dream. Now, could you please move?"

This reply seemed acceptable to him, "Am I of'en in yer dreams?"

"You know the answer to that: No. Now, come on, move. I want to get a sweater." I stepped over the leg in my way and went to collect a cream colored sweater from on the counter.

"Lass…" I heard the tell tale jingle that always accompanied his movement.

"Hmm hmmn?" I murmured, tugging on the sleeves.

"I thought per'aps I should make it known…to yeh, 'ow 'eartily sorry I am abou' me conduct at the dance 'all. Tweren't very nice."

I had spun around in incredulous shock at the mention of the word, "sorry" and was now regarding the rouge in front of me like he was mad. He was WHAT?!

"Huh?" I gaped in open astonishment, "I'm sorry, I just momentarily dipped into an OOC world. I almost thought you said you were 'heartily sorry' about your behavior at the club."

Jack blinked in confusion, "I did."

"Excuse me?" I asked dryly.

"Look, 'ere…" He grunted coming closer, "Isnot tha' difficult ta understand, now is it? I be sayin' I was sorry abou' the way I acted, alrigh'."

Glaring at him suspiciously, I tried to think of a reason for why he was telling me this. I immediately ruled out the possibility of him telling the truth. Come on, I'm not as stupid as to believe he was saying this out of any real concern, or for any guilt he felt on his part. Then it hit me, what was going on, I mean. And I must say, I was very relieved that it was this simple, because the lack of Sparrow attitude had me worried. But it was so easy to see! He was trying to get on my good side again! He did need my help in getting back, and without the previous stores of ass he could tap, he must be practically DYING to go back to the Caribbean and his beloved Pearl. The sneaky bastard!

I decided to play with this situation and see where it led.

I crossed my arms over my chest and cocked my head slightly to the right, "Why?"

That seemed to throw him for a loop in any case, "Wha'?"

"Why? What are you sorry for?"

"Well," He murmured, eyes boring into me, "I wasn't exactly a gentleman, now was I?"

"And? That's nothing new." I proclaimed, turning on my heel. I suddenly had a hankering for apple cinnamon tea. I took a cup from the cabinet and filled it with water as I heard Sparrow come up behind me. "Look, let me clue you in…" I popped the cup in the microwave, and took out a tea packet as I spoke, "It wasn't what you did that was wrong, Sparrow. It's how you went about it. Perhaps in your time, your pretty little bar strumpets liked the man to be in control of a situation like that (and I'm not saying that it doesn't have it's charms).." The microwave beeped and I took out the cup, preparing the tea, "…but here and now, women prefer to be able to make some of the decisions in such sexual situations." I took a spoon and stirred the herbal brew and blew on it gently to cool it.

Jack had leaned himself up against the refridgerator, seemingly listening intently to every word, "Let me ask ye this, lass: If I don't take the 'elm, who will?"

"Oh, I don't know," I replied coldly, "You could've asked me."

"Ye?" He scoffed, "Ye aren't the type ta allow yerself the pleasure o' such a situation, even if it were in yer control."

"How would you know?" I snapped back, "When have you ever let me?"

The comment sunk between us like certain Blacksmith's fathers, to the depths of Davvy Jones. After a moment of silence, in which Jack basically just stared at the floor, when next he spoke his voice had a hint of mischief in it. That was always a bad sign. The tone suggested I had taken a misstep somewhere along the way.

"Prove me wrong, then."

I choked on my next sip of tea.

"Make wha' I've said a dirty lie." He grinned at my stupefied expression, "If ye can, tha' is."

I closed my gaping mouth, and set my jaw firmly, "I can tell you right now, I am not falling for the 'kiss me because I dare you to' ploy. It won't work with me…"

Smiling in such an unbearably smug way, he prowled closer, "I thought as much. Yer afraid…"

"Jack…" I warned, turning my back on him.

"Ye've always been afraid…an' yer not goin' ta stop tha' lovely tradition anytime soon…"

"Jack…" I growled.

"…So forgive me if I takes the lead when yer too cowardly ta do anythin' else!"

Spinning around faster than I think he expected me to, and slamming down my coffee mug on the counter, I dug my fingers into his shirt and hissed, "…just shut up." And pressing myself flush against his lean frame and delighting in his surprised intake of breath…I kissed him.

I willed myself to keep this kiss strictly business; strictly my rebuttle to his argument about my having no spine to speak of whatsoever, and being so, there was no feminine gentleness in it. I kept it clinical and distant but branding. I could feel Sparrow striving to slow the pace, but I couldn't allow that. I knew only too well where those kinds of kisses led, what they made me feel.

And just as suddenly…I released him, and calmly picked up my tea cup and took a leisurely sip.

Jack looked vaguely shell shocked, and seemed to be trying to get his bearings.

"You were saying?" I murmured into the cup.

The question seemed to shake him out of his stupor. His eyes flicked to mine and a grin twitched his lips; although the look showed he was not at all satisfied with what he had received in that embrace.

"Well, call me a rotten liar…it seems I was mistaken in me assumptions…"

I shook my head, "Just misinformed." I assured him proudly.

He continued, simpering (faking of course), "Please accept me most 'umble apology for 'aving slandered ye so shamefully…"

"Of course…"

"…an' forgive me for sayin' tha' though ye certainly 'ave proved ye 'ave the courage ta do wha' I thought ye wouldn't dare, ye lack the courage of yer conviction in doin' it."

"Why thank you…wait…what?" I stalled; there was an insult in there somewhere.

"The wager…" My smile dropped as I recognized this tone; it's sound of giddy triumph and trickery, "…was in ye takin' as much pleasure in the momen' as I would, an' excuse me if tha' little kiss lacked any real amount o' pleasure."

I furrowed my brow, "Are you telling me I have to kiss you again?"

He merely smiled wickedly at the question.

"I do not believe this…" I muttered. "Alright…" I said impaciently, placing the cup down yet again, "Come here."

He did. In two strides.

"You're terrible," I said looking up at him, "You know that, right?"

"Aye." He husked in agreement.

'Okay, you can do this, Rachel. You don't even like him anymore, right? Right? Right. So just do it…it's not like it's going to change anything.'

With that reasoning in my mind, I raised myself up on my toes (just a bit because Jack's not THAT much taller than me) and gently placed my lips on his.

It was like opening a floodgate. In terms of the kisses we had shared previously, it was likely the most innocent of all of them, and maybe because of that, it affected me the most.

At first contact, the kiss brought back everything from the beginning…and I tried to reel in the emotions that came with it, but it just wasn't working. And I don't know what it was but there was something, something in remembering the beginning that made me stop and think about now. About how I was handling this. About what I wanted.

I wanted Jack. I wanted Jack as I had had him. Without the jealousy, and without the doubt of who he was and who I was. I missed the ignorance and the innocence…of not getting too into the workings of a relationship. And by the time I had pulled away I knew how I could get it all back.

I cleared my throat softly, "Better?"

Sparrow's eyes had opened slowly a fraction after my own and he murmured in the affirmative, "Aye. Much."

Peering at him a moment more I shook my head and made my way back to the den.

Jack followed quickly after, "Wha' was occupyin' yer mind just now, lass?"

"And if I told you 'The Commodore'?" I smirked, picking up the remote and turning to the food network.

"While ye were kissin' me? Never. Ye lie…"

"Maybe…maybe not." I confessed, making myself comfortable on the couch. "But if you really want to know…I wasn't thinking of him…I was thinking of you…" I shrugged my shoulders as he joined me, "…and me…in the beginning. And truthfully, I liked us better then, better when we were friends but not quite friends. Friendly enemies with a dash of something else on the side, or whatever you want to call it."

"We're that now, lass, or 'ave ye forgotten yer newest proposition tha' we stay 'mates' as ye so put it."

I looked at him closely, "Do you think we're friends, Jack? Really?"

There was that slightly threatening spark of dark that alighted his eyes as he glanced at me. Threatening, only because I wasn't ready to accept what it offered. "No, lass…" He murmured almost inaudibly, "I don't suppose we righ'ly are."

I gathered my breath, trying to fight off that darkness that had started to fill my own head, "I know…that's why I think we should just forget what's happened since you've been here…and go back. Be as we were…when we didn't care."

His brow furrowed further, "I don't think I'm quite getting' yer meanin', lass."

"Look, Jack…I don't care anymore, I really don't. I want things to be like they were before all of this. I thought by telling you 'We should just be mates' it would. Now I'm going to make myself more clear." And saying this I placed my chin on his shoulder and looked up at his stunned expression, "Let's maintain the balance we had. You can try to kiss me, you can try to fondle me, and if you can manage it I'll tip my hat to you…but for the most part I think it would be ultimately better if we remained ambivalent in our feelings toward each other."

A brow cocked, "Come again?"

Chuckling, I nodded, "Exactly."

We sat in companionable silence for a while until I caught a bit of movement from Sparrow out of the corner of my eyes…

"Try it and I'll break your jaw." I warned him playfully.

Slowly, with a wicked grin I had come to miss from Jack, he removed his arm from around my shoulder.

* * *

It was morning when I next woke up, and found myself snuggled deep into Sparrow's chest. Oh, that's right…

We had stayed up half the night watching Whose Line Is It Anyway and America's Funniest Home Videos. It had been fun. And our interactions were no longer so…uncomfortable. We were on common ground once again. No one person claimed the other, but each was free to admire and desire (mostly on my part I'm sure.) Friends and yet not. And it felt so great.

Sighing, I slowly worked myself out from under Sparrow's arm…

"Ooof!"

…and promptly fell off the blasted sofa.

Smooth, Rach, real smooth…

Pushing my mass of thick hair out of my eyes, and rubbing my sore deriere, I made to sit up…when something caught my eye.

It was shiny, whatever it was…so much that it winked in the pale sliver of rising sunlight. Peering curiously at the shimmer, half hidden under the couch, I inched nearer on hands and knees. Could Jack have lost one of his many trinkets last night during our pillow battle?

Reaching out a hand I swiped the tantalizing mystery jewel out from under the couch, and my eyes near bugged out of my head.

"You've got to be kidding me…" I breathed. For there in the middle of my palm rested…the fucking Aztec medallion. The same Aztec medallion we'd searched half the city for. With a big whoosh of air expelling from my lungs, I sat back on my haunches.

Well, I guess this was it then. We had the monkey. We had the medallion. The guys were going back.

I spared a glance at Sparrow. Things were finally good between us. I idly began to rub the coin's surface as I thought for a moment. A week ago I would have sold my kidney on the black market to get this piratical rouge out of my hair. But now…I shook my head…

…It just didn't seem right.

I guess my decision might've been different if Vicki hadn't barreled down the stairs, followed closely by Will, at that exact moment.

"Very clever, Victoria. Very clever…" There was an undeniably mischievious gleam in the blacksmith's eyes.

"Now Will, dear, it was only a little splash of water on the face for a wakeup call…" She was trying to suppress a smile, biting her lip as she backed away, one hand raised to ward him off.

"Was that all it was, my beauty? For I believe you sought some other end in wetting my person so thoroughly…"

"Will!" Vicki gasped.

I was likewise shocked. I had no idea Will could be so naughty. It was somewhat disconcerting in my mind.

"…so I find it only fair…" He continued, stalking ever nearer to my friend, "…that you receive the same gentle attentions as you bestowed on me…"

Vicki vamoosed into the kitchen, shrieking in delight, as Will made a lightning fast grab for her. There was silence and then I heard Vicki warn breathlessly:

"Don't you dare…!"

And then with a little scream, I heard her announce, "So ya wanna play? Well then let's DANCE, Turner!"

And then it all went to pot when both of the lovers sprinted out of the kitchen, flicking pelts of water at each other from the well of their cupped hands.

I looked down at the coin in my hand. It seemed wrong to break up the happy couple with my news.

Just then the water fight made its way over to Sparrow and myself. Thinking smartly, I hollered the word, "DUCK!" and proceeded to do just that. Jack, who was still sleeping like a log despite the domestic disturbance going on around us, was not quite so lucky.

Missing her target by a mile, Vicki's next aim hit Sparrow full on in the face.

Sitting up with a sputter and a gurgle, Jack exclaimed with mild panic in his voice, "The Pearl's sprung a leak! She's goin' down by the stem an' takin' on water fast! 'Ang on…why am I moist?"

There was a moment of silence while Vicki, Will and myself took in this question and made the absolute worst of it.

Laughing together, Will finally caught breath long enough to conclude, "Perhaps your dreams, my friend, were more than simply pleasant. I believe that is usually the reason for such a commonplace occurrence."

Well THAT sent Vicki off so that she lost her focus, and Will was able to sneak in another H2O attack that drenched the front of her thin shirt.

"I must say, Victoria, I favor this look above all others, I think…It suits you very well…"

And before you could say, "Turner, you asked for it, man!" Vicki had him by the collar and was doing some serious mackin' on the old boy. It was soon clear they had forgotten anybody else was in the room…

The fire with which Will responded to her kiss gave me a whole new impression of the blacksmith. Limbs all akimbo, Vicki's fingers were frantically trying to work the buttons of his shirt undone, and Will's hands were beginning to tug impaciently on the waistline of her jeans. With pants and groans (to which I had to plug my ears or else I would have gone insane) they fumbled and bumbled their way upstairs, and with a loud door slam all went silent…thankfully.

"My eyes have just been visually raped…" I whispered in horror.

"There was somethin' vaguely distrubin' abou' tha' there exchange, there was." Jack murmured in contemplation.

Disturbing it may have been but I could see now, looking at Will and Vicki and seeing how happy they were, and looking at Jack…

…I could tell I was going to do something very bad indeed.

Without a word I pocketed the medallion, and rose to my feet.

"I guess breakfast will be a little late this morning. I'll start on some pancakes. What doya say?"

"Wha' was tha'?"

"What was what? Pancakes? Oh, I don't think I can describe them properly. You have to eat them to understand them…"

"Nah…wha' was tha'?" He clarified rising from his resting spot and coming nearer, "Wha' ye'd jus' slip in yer pocket?"

I paused in guilty conscious for a moment, and then smiled lightly, attempting to disguise my wrong doing, "Nothing."

"Nothin'?" He raised a skeptical brow at that.

"Well, nothing of any importance, I mean." Again I gave a short smile.

Jack's hand reached for my pocket. I skirted away with a nervous laugh.

"And if you think for one moment your paranoia is an excuse to get into my pants, you've got another thing coming. Come on, I swear you are going to die when you taste these things…"

And taking the hand that had just reached for the coin inhabited pocket a second time, I led him into the kitchen.

* * *

The day went by rather uneventfully on the whole. Breakfast tasted a little bland, so did lunch…as a matter of fact, all of the meals tasted a little wrong. A little empty like. But food was the last thing on my mind, so I didn't worry too much about it.

Vicki and Will re-emerged sometime around mid-day, both looking, how shall we say…replenished? Seeking some fun and games over a helping of cold pancakes, Vicki and I decided to introduce the concept of card games.

"Well wha's it ta be, ladies? Piquet? Cacho? I sincerely 'ope ye've enough coin ta spare if we be playin' tha' 'and o' cards, for there's no one a'tall beats me at Cacho." Jack boasted with an air of complete confidence.

Vicki and I shared a glance.

"Wait, Jack, are you telling me you actually PLAY Cacho?" I asked in amazement.

"O' course! Why wouldn't I? Spectacular game it'is, utterly fantastic…especially ifen one 'as a partner…"

I raised my brows and Vicki looked just as surprised. Looks like good ol' Citadel had been onto something with Jack and his gambling habits…well, he was a pirate, after all. Even so, thinking back to how Citadel detailed his playing methods…(a furious blush crept up my face)…perhaps Cacho wasn't the best thing to play.

"I hate to break it to you, mate, but I don't think any of us are familiar with the rules of Cacho." Vicki supplied.

Will looked up at this, "I am." He admitted innocently.

Vicki's eyes widened, "Onnnnnnnnn the other hand…"

"No! Nope!" I bellowed, "Don't even think it! We are not playing that game!"

Vicki fair about slumped in her seat, "Fine. Spoilsport…" She muttered.

"Well, then with all respect, wha' is it we're playin'?" Jack questioned.

"Just a little game we like to call 'Slap Jack'" I grinned.

"Fairly ominous soundin' game, tha' is, lass…"

"It's pretty easy to play," Vicki explained, "Everyone has a pile and in order we put cards down. The person who slaps the Jack when it appears gets all the cards beneath it. The person who has the most cards wins."

"Sounds simple enough…" Jack murmured cautiously.

"More than you'd think." Vicki nodded and then slapped him lightly on the cheek, "See, nothing simpler!"

Will let out a great bellow of laughter and I nearly dropped the cards mid shuffle.

"Ye fancy puttin' a collar on tha' 'ellcat o' yers, boy?" Jack glared at Turner, as I handed out the cards.

"Indeed not. I've no desire to tame such a wild beauty." Will responded, rubbing the tendons in Vicki's neck gently. She smiled.

"Wild pest is more the like, lad." Jack grumbled picking up his hand. Vicki's smile became an instant glower.

"Let's just play." I pleaded for mutual peace from the group.

We made it two rounds about our little circle before catastrophe struck. Will put down the first Jack and I immediately went for the card…but so did Will. Needless to say, blacksmith hands are a whole lot harder than my-never-worked-a-day-in-my-life hands. We jammed fingers and to make a long story short, Will was successful in getting the Jack and I was left nursing my wounds. Therefore neither of us actually saw what happened at the time, but we sure heard it.

Cue the: SMACK OF ALL SMACKS.

"Merciful CHRIST!"

Will and I both looked up in shock to find Jack's palm laid against his cheek and Vicki calmly placing down a new card.

"Whoops, sorry. Hit the wrong Jack. Your turn, Rachel."

"Bravo, Victoria. Bravo!" Will exclaimed.

"Wrong Jack!" Sparrow fumed, "I'll 'Wrong Jack' 'er!"

"Ugh, I'm going to get a drink…" I murmured, getting up and heading toward the kitchen. On my way, I passed the caged beast in all his furry fury. Lately the thing had been going nutso whenever I walked by.

"Shut up." I muttered.

And trust me when I say, that that didn't help. It just kept on screaming its racous cry. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

"YOU SCREAM LIKE ELIZABETH! NOW JUST SHUT YOUR GOB!" I roared as I got on my knees in front of it.

It peered at me in wondered silence. I was pretty stunned myself that it had actually worked.

"Okay…Thank you." I said politely to it, "That's much better."

Awww…it was kinda sweet looking. You know when it wasn't all dead like and such. It reached out a gentle hand, and it looked so adorably CUTE I had the strangest urge to pet it. Well, I HAD until it tried to attack my pocket. With a piercing screech I pulled back, sliding on the floor, away from it.

It hit me then as I watched mini Jack scramble his paws across the floor, still seeking desperately for my pocket.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I reached into the jeaned depths and withdrew the cursed Aztec gold, hiding in its recesses.

The creature went mad in a screaming frenzy at the sight of it.

Well, I guess that settled that hunch. No wonder the thing lost its shit whenever I walked into the room. It knew I had the medallion in my possession!

Well now what? I couldn't let this zoo monkey gone bad ruin everything for Vicki and Will (or me for that matter). The demon had to be silenced.

Pushing myself up to my knees, I reached for something on the counter that I could use to deal with fuzzy Jack and approached the hairy ape with it firm in my grasp.

"Look, things are really good now," I confided to it, "and I don't need you screwing things up, so I'm sorry…but this has to be done…for the good of all…"

I brought the banana I had swiped into view, "Now, I don't normally resort to bribery but the situation calls for it. So, here's the deal…a daily helping of bananas in return for you shutting the hell up. We clear?" And so saying, I handed the yellow fruit over and mini Jack happily went at it.

"Glad we could come to this arrangement." I sighed in relief, getting up, "But remember," I placed a secretive finger to my lips, "mum's the w…"

"Rachel? Are you talking to that monkey?"

I jumped at Vicki's voice and found her staring at me queerly from the doorway. I hadn't even heard her come in.

"I…um…no…of course not." I shifted away from the animal's makeshift cage. "I…was…uh…talking to myself!"

"Oh, good." She whooshed out in apparent relief, "I was worried about you there for a second. Come on, we've settled for 'Rummy' to start the boys off, plus Sparrow was partial to the name."

"Yeah well, that sounds like Sparrow." I commented.

Vicki looked at me pointedly, "Didn't you come in here for a drink?"

I started, "Oh, yeah…" and reaching into the fridge, I pulled out a Diet Cherry Coke and popped the tab. It didn't taste like anything. Now that was weird, but despite its weirdness I shrugged it off, "I guess I'm not thirsty anymore…" I murmured setting it down and moving past Vicki to the other room.

With a suspicious glance at the now content monkey nibbling on a banana and my discarded favorite drink, she followed.

* * *

"Rachel, come look at this!" Vicki called from the computer room. Excusing myself from the couch next to Jack in which he was trying to solve Hollywood Squares ("Ang on, I know this one! I know this one!") I headed toward my friend's call.

"What's up, chicken butt?" I asked leaning in the doorway, as she frantically typed something in.

"Check this out." She said, scooching over a bit so I could lean closer to the screen and read it's contents.

"What?" It was just some new reports about the upcoming Pirates sequel set to come out next summer. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

"Will you just read it?"

Huffing in annoyance, I went more slowly along the article…

"…filming stalled sometime two weeks ago. Its reasons are mysterious at best, all that our sources know is that this misfortune is due to 'complications concerning the script'. As it stands, it appears that fans may have to wait another year for the re-emergence of their favorite pirate Captain and his swashbuckling friends."

Slowly, I pulled back, stunned, "You don't think…"

"The boys showed up around the same time. It's possible that their being here…" She trailed off.

"…is affecting the future of the movie." I finished her thought. The small disk of gold in my pocket took on a new weight as I spoke.

Vicki sighed heavily, "As much as I hate to say it, I think it's time they went back. Or else we might royally screw something up here." She turned suddenly in her seat, "We need to redouble our efforts in finding that stupid coin."

"Yeah…yeah…" I murmured, feeling as if for all the world, that so called stupid coin was dragging me down to Davvy Jones, via my sinfully full pocket. "Well, I'll…I'll get right on that…" I left before I could see her eyebrow rise. I had things I still had to do anyway. I was being blackmailed by a monkey, and he was an impacient little bugger.

* * *

The monkey weaseled four bananas out of me in my desperation to keep him quiet. Perhaps it was because I was haggling with the beast at the time, that I missed the discussion in the computer room.

* * *

Vicki shut the door behind her.

"Wha's all this then?" Jack asked, taking a seat in the old black rocking chair, while Will sat composedly on the loveseat.

Turning to regard the boys seriously she spoke, "We have a situation…"

* * *

"You really think she's keeping it hidden, then?" Will asked softly.

"I'm pretty positive." Vicki replied.

"Only fools are positive." Jack snorted.

"You're sure?" Vicki crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'm righ' positive, I am!...'Old on…" Jack put a hand to his braids, "Tha's not righ'…"

Vicki shook her head in annoyance, "All I know is what I feel. And I have a hunch Rachel's hiding something from us."

"What makes you think it is the medallion?"

Turning to Will she offered up a small smile, "I didn't watch the movie a hundred and fifty times for nothing, you know. She's been acting oddly lately…and by odd I mean displaying classic curse signs. She complained about the food tasting weird and just a few hours ago, I saw her open a diet cherry coke…and not finish it! Not to mention spending way too much time with that monkey, if you ask me."

"There may be a wee problem with yer suspicions, lass." Jack interrupted.

"Oh?" Vicki raised a brow.

"Ifen the lass DID 'ave the coin she wouldn't be hidin' it, savvy? She's wanted ta be rid of us fer a time now."

"Maybe," Vicki pursed her lips, "but maybe something has changed."

Jack had nothing to say to that and so she continued, "But then again maybe I'm totally wrong." She threw up her hands in indecision, "I just wish there was a way we could be sure."

"Well what are our options?" Will tried to be helpful.

"Short of tying her down and forcing a confession out of her, I honestly don't know…I suppose we could always…"

Jack spoke out of his silence, a deadly expression etched into his every line, "There is a way of course, but I'm afraid ye won't like it…"

* * *

I hadn't seen the others for a while. Oh well. Vicki and Will were probably off somewhere re-deflowering each other, and Jack, well Jack just pops up from time to time in the oddest places, so that gave me some time to myself. Time to be well spent in quiet thought. In the backyard.

'What are you doing?' My angel on the right shoulder scolded me, as I flipped the Aztec medallion into the air and caught it again, 'You can't keep them here forever. You can't keep HIM here forever!'

'Not forever,' I assured my better side, 'Just long enough to…'

'Enjoy carnal pleasures!'

'Oh, there you are Mistress Devil,' I remarked to the demon voice to my left, 'I was wondering when you'd show up.' I continued flipping the coin.

'Oh…you!' The angelic voice of reason huffed at my evil side, "You always have to make things harder than they've any right to be!'

'Some things…' The devil smirked lustily, 'are better harder.'

Well that made me blush. It's bad when your own mind starts corrupting you, that's for damn sure.

'Cleanse these impure thoughts from your soul, child!' The angelic one pleaded.

'Okay, now you're just plain bugging me.' I snapped, 'I'll call you when I'm more in the mood for a sermon, but right now I just want some time to think.'

'Well I never!' And with a burst of divine light she was gone.

'Good riddance!' The devil smirked.

'You know what, for that matter you can take a hike too. Just please, all of you leave me alone!'

'Fine.' And in a flash of flames the she-devil disappeared too. Now it was just me and the flipping coin, and the moon.

I knew what I should do. I knew should go and tell the others what I'd found, and send the boys back, but I couldn't seem to find the strength to do it. Maybe I was just lazy…but maybe it was something else…I didn't know. All I did know is it would be a whole lot easier if someone made the decision for me…

"'Ello, poppet…"

I quickly caught the medallion and hid it in my clenched fist, turning to find Sparrow a few feet away. See, what did I tell you? Pops up in the oddest places.

"Hey." I waved at him with my other hand. "Hey guys." I waved to Vicki and Will. Will looked hardened, and Vicki's mouth was gaping in a look of absolute horror.

"What?"

Slowly, Sparrow approached, "Somethin' ye be wantin' ta confess ta Ol' Jack, love?"

"No, no, not really…why?"

He made no reply save for pointing straight up at the stars…well maybe not the stars. The moon.

"No, Jack, it is not made of cheese. We discovered that a while ago…"

"Lass, yer skin an' bones…"

Okay now that did not make any sense, especially since I knew it to be untrue…I'm not overweight perse…there's just more of me to love!

"I'm flattered, Jack, but that is a big lie…I mean…look at me…"

"I am. An' yer skin an' bones by the very definition."

"No, I'm not! Look! I…HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!"

Skin and bones was pretty much right, all things considered. I was an effing skeleton.

Gently, Sparrow pried my ugly dead fingers apart, releasing the gold coin to glint eriely in the moonlit glow of the night.

I looked up into his face and sighed, "Couldn't resist, mate."

And grinning like a jackal he slapped me lightly on the wrist, "Naughty, gel. Very naughty indeed. Now we know not ta play with cursed artifacts o' any kind, don't we? They make us dead and rotty."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" I muttered, handing over the medallion, and trudging after him, "At least tell me I was a hot skeleton…" I pleaded of Vicki as I pulled alongside her.

"No, you were pretty much just scary and corpsified."

"Damnit!"


	13. Holy sh or Unholy something

Well gentlemen and germs here endeth PH2, but fear not we shall return and bring forth much more hilariousity in about a week or so. So please, relax, sit back, wear a smoking jacket AND A BIB and take on board the genius that is Vicki Fraser and Rachel Hobbes in the last chapter of this wonderful sequel. Everything in this chapter was written by Vicki, save for Rachel's POV which was written by said POV.

* * *

"You're kidding me, right?" You have got to be blooming out of your mind! You've had it the whole time!" How on Earth had she kept this from us? Part of me was angry at her for not telling me while the other part quickly realized this meant the boys had to go back.

"Well, we've got our little trinket, I 'spose we'll be off now, eh?" Jack cut in suddenly, decidedly more upbeat than myself.

"How exactly DO we get back?" Will asked. I looked at Rachel, who shrugged and sat down.

"I don't know…we never planned on you coming here in the first place, nor us going there. It just…happened." Rachel offered.

"Well let's at least go inside and have a look at the demon spawn, perhaps he'll learn to talk and tell us how." I said, leading the way back into Rachel's house.

We must have stared at that thing for hours; Jack even took to screaming curses at it, to which it screeched loudly back. And then, I though of something.

"Ok…think for a moment…how did we get back last time?" Everyone stared at each other, then at the monkey, who was staring at his bum. I rolled my eyes. Sharp as a tack this lot!

"WE RESOLVED! All that we messed up or started there, we fixed and brought to a close! We helped Jack get the Pearl back-"

"Well, ta be quite honest ye really only lay about on deck and annoyed me-" Jack interrupted.

"BUT STILL, you got it back, and as for Will…well, I'm not sure what we helped you with considering I actually kinda messed up the whole plot, but maybe we helped you lighten up a bit?" I said, nudging him.

"Ok…resolution…I guess that's you and me, Jack." Rachel rolled her eyes and grabbed his arm, pulling him up. Jack twisted out of her grip and ran to me, clutching my shoulders.

"Please help me, save me! I don't want ta be resolved!" He pleaded, but Rachel quickly found him again and dragged his screaming body away.

I turned back to Will, but was unable to look and in the eye

"You know what you have to do right? " I asked him, looking down at my lap and wringing my hands.

"I have to go back…" He said quietly.

"Will…you have to go back…and marry Elizabeth." I corrected him. His brow furrowed in a questioning look.

"Victoria, what…why are you saying this?"

I shook my head, "You know this could never work. We both knew that from the start. When we met I was something new…and while I don't doubt that there is true honest love between us, can you really say that you don't still love Elizabeth?" it might have been the hardest thing I ever said, but I knew it was right, and good, and hell…I could spare doing the right thing for once in my life.

"Well I suppose I…growing up we always…" He shook his head and started over, "when you came, Victoria, so many things changed. It's hard to understand it all."

"I know, but Will…think about it. We live in completely different worlds, let alone centuries. Who do you see yourself getting old with?" I was holding back tears; if I cried he'd stop listening to me. I waited for him to speak, but he simply opened his mouth slightly, letting out a sigh. And I knew…he understood me. As much as it might hurt us both, we knew it was right.

"I'll always love you…some part of me. Forever." I spoke, moving my hand to his arm and clutching it gently.

"And I you." He replied, placing his hand over mine.

* * *

RACHEL'S POV:

Vicki had figured out the last ingredient in sending the fellas back. It was closure. Well, Jack and I had already discussed ours…you know…devoid of me telling the truth.

The truth was I had some certain feelings pertaining to…

See!

I couldn't even mutter the truth in my own mind let alone out loud because to do so would in fact…make it all too real. And well making it real was out of the question, so I might as well not even say it. Not telling was an omission, which was more like a lie, which made me a low down dirty deceiver, which made me in a word and one word only:

A Pirate.

I couldn't help feeling some sense of pride in that description. Especially when it was applied to me.

So I simply stood there and did nothing. Said nothing. Where in our last parting I couldn't shut up, now I couldn't find my voice. Oh, don't believe for one second that I didn't have something, several somethings to fill his ear with. I did. Just nothing that would have been of any importance to him.

So I stayed silent. And said not a word.

Not until he commandeered my attention by stepping forward

"So…this is goodbye, eh?" He leaned forward as if trying to see my eyes. They were fastened to the floor, by the way. My head snapped up.

"Goodbye." I don't know if I meant for there to be no feeling in the word, but there wasn't, "See ya later."

That stilled him.

A dark brow rose, "Are ye certain?"

He was mocking me, I could tell. That was who Sparrow was.

I sighed in annoyance, and maybe some slight anger. How dare he be this blind still after all this time! "I have no talent for certain, Jack."

He nodded as if it were enough and turned to go.

"Wait!"

He stopped.

Fuck my ASS! I couldn't just hold my tongue, could I?

"We…" I played with my hands to have something to do, "We…forgive each other then? We're…we're okay, right?" I don't know why I needed to know we were, just that I did. Just to be sure.

He turned, his eyes flicked quickly.

"Aye," He murmured.

I nodded in relief, "Goodbye."

He blinked, "Goodbye."

And that was it. There could not have been a less romantically charged ending between two people. But it was enough.

* * *

Jack and Rachel met Will and me outside, which was strangely calm and quiet, save for a slight breeze and the single solemn note of a mourning dove. Appropriate, I thought.

Rachel held the coin and I clutched the cage containing Jack the Monkey. We stood in front of our boys, Rachel forcibly stoic, myself choking back tears. I handed Jack the cage which he held in front of himself at a distance, his characteristic look of disgust gracing his face.

My eyes finally met Will's as Rachel handed him the shining gold coin. A moment later a tiny hand reached out from within its cage and took the coin, letting out a jubilant screech at his conquest.

"Well girls, it's been a laugh, but I miss me Pearl and so I take my leave." And then, right on cue and after a final "Ta!", Jack's form shimmered…and a second later her was gone. I saw Rachel look away, unable to look on the spot Jack previously occupied.

"Victoria…" I heard Will whisper, and my attention snapped back to him. He leaned forward and took my face in his hands. I closed my eyes to receive his last kiss, but felt nothing. When I opened them he was gone…back to his home.

"Well…" said Rachel, "that's that I 'spose." I nodded.

"Jack was right, we did have a laugh." I replied. Rachel smiled and put her arm around my shoulder. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and we made our way back to the house.

* * *

Life went on, as life generally does. Suns and moons in their orbits, time and tides, the ebb and flow. It all happened as it should have. With it's good times and bad alike, until two years had passed, it's triumphs and failures all rolled up into one afternoon sometime in the spring of 2006. And a new trailer was out.

We watched the trailer in wonder, our mouths agape. After the last drum sounded and the screen went blank we turned to each other:

"Holy sh-"


End file.
